[MtnTime2896]

If people knew just how violent and twisted my thoughts get, would they still associate with me? Would they still see someone who cares, regardless of the thoughts that enter my mind many times in a single day?
Would people run the other direction? Would I be locked up? Would they be scared?

I wonder these things a lot, lately. I don't think people are safe near me anymore. One dissociative episode brought on by a flashback and I'm afraid I'll "wake up" with blood on my hands.

It wouldn't be the first time. And those memories scare me to death.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I'm sure you're a lovable, caring person... the thoughts you have, aren't your fault. It's just your mental illness that's making you think of those nasty things.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I'm sure you're a lovable, caring person... the thoughts you have, aren't your fault. It's just your mental illness that's making you think of those nasty things.

Thanks for being here. I've just been scaring myself these past couple days. I really...

I might as well be a pacifist, but I've hurt people.

I don't want to hurt anyone. There's no worse feeling that I've ever experienced.

[Reao]

Hello, Só leigheas. Learn. Forgive yourself. Move on. Use the rumination energy to make a better life.

Godspeed.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Reao

Hello, Só leigheas. Learn. Forgive yourself. Move on. Use the rumination energy to make a better life.

Godspeed.

That's what I do with writing, drawing, making music etc.. Doesn't make the thoughts leave. Just channels them. My mind doesn't shut off. Not when I'm awake, not when I'm medicated, not when I'm intoxicated (by any substance), not even when I'm sleeping.

Moving on would be great. I'd welcome it with open arms. My mind never stops. It can cover fifty subjects per minute, making it impossible to really focus on anything (ADD has it's pros and cons).

Since I can't seem to stop the thoughts, I'm trying the forgiveness route. It's not working out so well. Maybe I'll get there eventually but it won't happen over night. I still have to look at the scars on my knuckles everyday. I think I'm going to start wearing gloves all of the time or something. Maybe tat up my knuckles with something. It's just a reminder of what I've done...things I'm not proud of.

[Reao]

My therapist helped me with mindfulness and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). See here: https://contextualscience.org/about_act

ACT provides the skills to live with what you speak of and author a more rich, joyful and meaningful life.

[MtnTime2896]

"I am not as fine as I seem.
Pardon, me for yelling and telling you green gardens
Are not what's growing in my psyche, it's a different me
A difficult beast feasting on burnt down trees
Freeze frame, please let me paint a mental picture portrait
Something you won't forget, it's all about my forehead
And how it is a door that hold's back contents
That makes Pandora's box contents look non-violent
Behind my eyelids are islands of violence
My mind ship-wrecked this is the only land my mind could find
I did not know it was such a violent island
Full of tidal waves, suicidal crazed lions
They're trying to eat me, blood running down their chin
And I know that I can fight, or I can let the lion win
I begin to assemble what weapons I can find
Cause sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind."
-Twenty One Pilots, 'Migraine'.

[Dumpty]

“Dare to Be

When a new day begins, dare to smile gratefully.
When there is darkness, dare to be the first to shine a light.
When there is injustice, dare to be the first to condemn it.
When something seems difficult, dare to do it anyway.
When life seems to beat you down, dare to fight back.
When there seems to be no hope, dare to find some.
When you’re feeling tired, dare to keep going.
When times are tough, dare to be tougher.
When love hurts you, dare to love again.
When someone is hurting, dare to help them heal.
When another is lost, dare to help them find the way.
When a friend falls, dare to be the first to extend a hand.
When you cross paths with another, dare to make them smile.
When you feel great, dare to help someone else feel great too.
When the day has ended, dare to feel as you’ve done your best.
Dare to be the best you can –
At all times, Dare to be!”
-- Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

[Fuzzybear]