Can you Shut Down Symptoms or Dissociate At Will?

Currently I am IP due to a PTSD triggered Bipolar Episode.

Four weeks ahoTherapy on side issues triggered the PTSD and within days I was out of control, agitated, focused on revenge or SI. Three days later I 'snapped' out of it and was obsessed with studying for my university exam. This lasted 8 days until I saw my psychiatrist and told him about the bad three days. That night I went dark again and had to sit my exam the next day while in a bad mental state.

Next day my doctor hospitalised me for PTSD triggered mixed mania. After a few days on the edge of sanity I 'snapped' into euphoric mania for 6 days. it was awesome, the past had no hold on me and i felt invincible. the inevitable crash occurred and pushed me into mixed mania (depression with mania at the same time) and PTSD. I was highly sucidal and obsessed. Several times since i have switched into euphoric mania which felt like a holiday from the darkness.

The meds have calmed down the mania and I seem to switch between being ok but 'up' to being hit by PTSD with strong SI. I just can't find stability. It is one or the other, no in-between.

My question is can anyone make themselves dissociate to snap out of very dark places. I do it but have no control on when and how long for. I feel stuck as I cannot live in either state but especially the PTSD/mixed place. It is shear torment. I don't want to 'process' the trauma in therapy as I feel I will not survive it so how can I just shove it down into a box inside me and lock it away forever, or at least until I can cope with it?

I don't know what to say, but here's a hug

Thanks for the reply. Really means a lot. Guess no one understands what I'm talking about or has never been through it. It is driving me to the end of my rope. Lucky I'm IP.

So, I can't really control my dissociation. There are times I can fight it a little to keep it from happening, but that usually makes me sick and it's very exhausting. Snapping in and out of euphoric hypomania and PTSD triggered rage is something I've grown very accustomed to when I'm not depressed. Oddly enough, I haven't really started dissociating until this morning during this round. Which is a nice relief, because it's very frightening. I have depersonlized a lot, though but it's usually welcomed when I'm euphoric rather than malicious. The euphoric episodes make me really not care about the depersonalization and not really be afraid of full blown dissociation.
However, when I'm in a mixed episode, that is when I have the most triggers for PTSD. It usually happens when I'm already in that state, rather than a product of a flashback or trigger. I also dissociate a lot more and it tends to get me all screwed up to the point where I don't even know if I'm actually alive or in a dream.

So, long story short followed by digression of topic: I don't know how to control dissociation. Sometimes, I just choose not to fight it by not grounding myself when I feel the onset. I'm not usually a fan of it, either. Everyone's different, though.

I hope you stabilize soon.

thanks. I am still IP. The mania has been brought under control but I am still switching more mildly between mania and mixed mania/PTSD stuff a bit. it seems to be worse in the afternoons and evenings. The dissociation can get intense like I, and all around me is not real. ON Sat night i was hit with a massive trigger out of the blue. I switched immediately from happy-go-lucky to suicidal in a minute. the nurses gave me meds to calm me down but ignored my pleas for someone to sit with me while I calmed down - they were understaffed. Thankfully a good friend of my talked me down from acting but talking to me on FB for 3 hours. I owe him my life.

Haven't felt 'normal' since that night but am a bit better. Hoping to get discharged in about a week.