Where to start...

I'm having a hard time formulating this into the right words... maybe because I've never really talked about it before.

I don't think I've ever been normal. I never felt safe around people, as far back as I can remember. The more I think about it, the more I wonder what made me this way. Some part of me has a feeling that something bad happened to me before my memories start, but I don't think I'll ever know for sure. What I do know is my fear. I'm so afraid of so many things, and many for no reason. That has always been a part of me.

From when I was 16-21 I was in multiple abusive relationships. The men I ended up with would all tell me I was a horrible person, that I was a wreck who didn't deserve their love. I believed them, and I stayed with them because I knew nothing better. Eventually the emotional abuse evolved into physical abuse, and still I took it. Not only that, I accepted it as something I deserved. I don't know why I let them.

As I've become older, I've questioned how I ended up this way. The truth is, I still don't know. For a while I've wondered if my mother was to blame, she took me to so many doctors and had me put on meds at a young age. But I'm not sure I really can blame her.

I just wish I knew why, and could have a normal life. I'm so tired of feeling like the world is ending.

Hi BadWolf! Thanks for sharing!

I don't feel "normal" either. I was isolated and brainwashed as a kid and am still trying to integrate into society. I like to people watch and imitate what they do.
My therapist and I are exploring ways for me to realize where these feelings come from and help me get empowered thus more normal. Have you got a therapist?

Hi BadWolfC: Your post touched a chord with me. (I'll just mention, for reference, that I'm an older person.) But, like you, I have also lived all of my life with great fear & have never felt safe around people. (Nowadays I simply keep to myself.) And I have also always had the feeling that something must have happened to me at a very young age that caused me to be the way I am. But I have no firm idea what that might have been. (Well...I do have one possible idea. But I don't know to what extent it is real or if it might have been the cause. And there's no one left to ask about it anymore.)

I also don't think I ever was normal. In fact, I know I wasn't. But way back when I was growing up mental illness was something to be frightened by & ashamed of. Plus there was little or no help available anyway. So my troubles were simply dismissed (and sometimes punished) as bad behavior. Plus, I learned, at a very early age, I don't know how, that there were things about myself I must never talk about with anyone. And so I kept them a closely guarded secret literally for decades. (By the way, whenever I have tried to talk about a lot of this, I have also always had difficulty putting it into any kind of understandable language.) I've given up trying at this point in my life.

There was a time, a few years ago, I went through a relatively short period where I thought maybe I could finally figure things out. But when I stuck my head out of the closet, so to speak, I found no one wanted to hear it. As it had been my whole life, the expectation was that I would simply resume playing the role I had always played regardless of the toll it might be taking on me to do so. And so that's what I've done. I've come to the conclusion that, at least in my case, how I ended up becoming the person I am is a gnarled ball of wire that will never be untwisted. It all just is what it is. So I strive to accept it all... with compassion. I hope that, in your case, you can find the answers you seek.

BadWolfC,

I have worked with and around countless children. Truth is some children are simply just more sensitive then others are.

Also, I recently read an article where some of the extra sensitivity can be due to how the mother was stressed during pregnancy.

As far as those abusive relationships are concerned, during the teen years some early relationships can be very challenging because there is still a lot of narcissism during those years. So those Bf's that put you down and you stayed because on some level you believed them? That was not your fault. Sixteen to 21 is still so young, so little life skills to understand how to protect "self".

I am supposed to start with a new therapist next week, I'm hoping they'll be more helpful... my last one didn't take me very seriously.