[MtnTime2896]

If you aren't familiar with how Brainspotting works, then what I'm about to write may leave some questions.
It's not hypnosis, not anymore than EMDR. I've only had one session and then refused to go back to therapy for a good two months after. At the moment, my therapist isn't going to make a move to rejoin that therapy until I'm stabilized with my BP. I'm in no hurry to go back to it. The reason is because when I did that first session, and the reason I didn't go back for a while, during the session as my mind began digging deeper and deeper to get to the trauma, three really harsh events came up. One of which, I didn't even realize I remembered. A lot of other harsh events emerged, as well, which has rocked me very heavily since. I had so many traumatic memories come into my mind that I felt like I was about to puke. I felt myself take every single hit I had taken growing up, I had felt the constant fear from when my dad would drink and I felt myself thrusted back into the event that got me into therapy in the first place. By the time I finally got to that memory (according to my therapist), I was beginning to dissociate. However, the beautiful thing about Brainspotting is the fact that the therapist can pull you back to a safe place in your mind as soon as everything gets to be too much. Apparently, I was suppose to tell him when it was becoming too overwhelming. Learned my lesson.
Thing is, I really didn't want to "remember" what popped up during the session. It has made it more difficult to handle what I went through because now I actually have to think about it. I should've kept going with the sessions, considering it would've helped me process them better so that they wouldn't all be stuck in this endless cycle. I'm told that once we start again, after the second or third session, I should start noticing positive change towards my PTSD. To say it will 'cure' would be an overstatement, but it will all become much less painful and the symptoms won't be as severe; this is what he tells me. From what I've seen statistically, I don't think he's lying, but he also warned me that we'll have a lot of trauma to work through. I don't know how long I will need this sort of thing. He also told me that he wants to do talk therapy, post-trauma therapy. Apparently I have a lot of things to work through.
This all sounds great and I won't deny that. But what this means is that I have to actually revisit this ****. It means that I have to actually face all this crap that I just want to forget. I don't want to address these problems because that makes them real. Why can't I just go on believing that my childhood wasn't too bad and I can grow out of these memories? Why can't I just shove it all down again and move on? I don't want to face this.

Sorry, this post is pretty long.

It's OK to wait until you are ready. It does sound promising and I am confident that you will eventually get to a place where you will be ready to tackle these overwhelming things.

[mc2ed]

I read your words....gently I would say......in the reading you express that this event is playing over and over in your mind....without going back to the therapy...where you would....yes have to revisit it....except in therapy....there is a director....that could guide you....to some place beyond...the loop that is playing in your mind now......it is like the lid of something is taken off....and then you realize you don't want it....yet it was packed under pressure and now you can't sweep it back in the container......so even though you don't want it...and you may not BE ready.....it will still lay about tangling up in your life until you....can be with it....getting help...good help.....allows you to let someone who is more accomplished....handle the broom......

I have a brain injury....and I am soooooooo not great with the motivation....though there are people in my life...that know that...and often they will make it...so that I just get where I need to be....arrive in the spot where help is.....taking that 'deciding' to do it out of my hands.....in the afterwards....I have always been thankful.....those professionals.....are so much better at the inner work than I am on my own....

I don't know if what I said makes sense to you....I just know how it is...when something sits in on life with you....after you KNOW it is there....it gets pretty visible and harder to ignore.....

I hope you can get help....then you won't be alone with the memories...