[Matt29]

Hi everyone,

I'm bit of in a rough patch.. I was recently diagnosed with a borderline personnality disorder acter years of trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.
I'm 25 and I just can't be in a relationship.. I tried and I just can't. I have a good habit of feeling love towards unavailable women but if I ended up socializing with a woman that happens to be single. Everything goes fine until I feel she is interested. From there I just lose it ! I feel so unsafe and I anxious, so much that I can't concentrate on anything else.. I totally freeze trying to deal with what's happening. And if I do open myself to someone, I have vivid nightmares which I can't even deal with when I wake up.
Now I know that there is a possibility to develop post traumatic stress from a BPD. I just needed to talk about it and have an opinion.

I was abandonned by my dad when I was a kid after he and my mom split up. Then I started having nightmares about him leaving and would wake up terrorized and in tears as if I was always living the father/son breakup all over again, I kept having the same nightmares growing up.
When I was a teen, I didn't seem to be able to deal very well with emotions. I was cheated on by my first "serious" girlfriend. And then had another relationship for a year and a half and the end I couldn't deal with what was happening in my life, I was anxious all the time and very depressed, so that girl which I loved very much ended up cheating on me too. That one hit me hard, I fell in a deep depressive state which caused me to be like a zombie...

Anyway! Since that time I've been unable to be in a relationship. I just keep repeating the same patterns of socializing with girls I'm interested in and end up freaking out and running. I've seen a psychologist, a life coach, a sexologist... I'm exhausted. This affects me on every aspect of my life. I crave for love but I can't even feel it when it presents itself. I get attatched to unavailable girls to satisfy my "hunger" and ended up feeling hurt because they are unavailable. Or even spending time with girls I like while being so insecure it is unattractive.. I feel so ruined. Any idea?

[Open Eyes]

((Matt)), I am sorry about what happened with your father and am not surprised that you felt deeply hurt by that experience.

What you "run" from is the fear of being hurt, not from the relationship so much.

[Matt29]

I thought so too but, the effect is the same in many aspects of my life. Romantic relationship are enough to bring to a violent state of panic but I also feel unable to have professional relationships or just new friends, I mean..I can make friends but it takes a lot of work. It may be that I'm afraid of being disrespected and criticized fearing it will affect me... I already have that huge lack of self esteem when it comes to my emotions and opening up to people but I was wondering if I might have developped certain ptsd symptoms along the way.
Since my BPD diagnosis I knew it would be possible to have other disorders along with it. Anyway.. Guess I should ask a psychiatris:/

[Matt29]

Thank you for your answer!
Why would it affect me so much?
I know it may be caused by a lack of self esteem when it comes to my emotions but how is it that I feel instantly so anxious when there's a trigger? I feel it like adrenaline being pumped up in my brain and I start making decisions out of paralizing fear. Obviously. And I can't concentrate on anything else.. So I've been reading about ptsd symptoms related to childhood traumas and it explains all my behaviors.. Anyway, I guess I should ask a psychiatrist. Its just that last time it seemed clear to her that it was BPD. Now I know its just a label but it's important to me so I know what to do to deal with it.
Thanks

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Matt29

Hi everyone,

I'm bit of in a rough patch.. I was recently diagnosed with a borderline personnality disorder acter years of trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.
I'm 25 and I just can't be in a relationship.. I tried and I just can't. I have a good habit of feeling love towards unavailable women but if I ended up socializing with a woman that happens to be single. Everything goes fine until I feel she is interested. From there I just lose it ! I feel so unsafe and I anxious, so much that I can't concentrate on anything else.. I totally freeze trying to deal with what's happening. And if I do open myself to someone, I have vivid nightmares which I can't even deal with when I wake up.
Now I know that there is a possibility to develop post traumatic stress from a BPD. I just needed to talk about it and have an opinion.

I was abandonned by my dad when I was a kid after he and my mom split up. Then I started having nightmares about him leaving and would wake up terrorized and in tears as if I was always living the father/son breakup all over again, I kept having the same nightmares growing up.
When I was a teen, I didn't seem to be able to deal very well with emotions. I was cheated on by my first "serious" girlfriend. And then had another relationship for a year and a half and the end I couldn't deal with what was happening in my life, I was anxious all the time and very depressed, so that girl which I loved very much ended up cheating on me too. That one hit me hard, I fell in a deep depressive state which caused me to be like a zombie...

Anyway! Since that time I've been unable to be in a relationship. I just keep repeating the same patterns of socializing with girls I'm interested in and end up freaking out and running. I've seen a psychologist, a life coach, a sexologist... I'm exhausted. This affects me on every aspect of my life. I crave for love but I can't even feel it when it presents itself. I get attatched to unavailable girls to satisfy my "hunger" and ended up feeling hurt because they are unavailable. Or even spending time with girls I like while being so insecure it is unattractive.. I feel so ruined. Any idea?

Hello Matt and welcome to PC. Wow, sounds like you are in somewhat of a slump there. It does sound like you fear that abandonment of a person you care for, so you just call it off before it happens. Is that right? Tell me this...what's the worse thing that could happen if you open up and love someone? What's the best thing that could happen if you did the same thing?

[Matt29]

Hi Trace! Thank you for answering.
Well I have to admit there many things twisted altogether. :/
I had crazy panic attacks for so long.. I dont even care for people anymore and I get scared "to death" when people like me, AND I feel like **** when the ones I like don't show specific signs that they like me back.
I know there is a lot of Acceptation to have towards myself but I feel like I just can't ! Like I am locked out of my feelings. They still happen tho.
Thing is, I'm a very lovely person, I like to be with people and they like to be around me too.. It is the biggest contradiction I've seen so far. And yet I feel SO ashamed of myself. And of course there is that struggle with ADD which is much harder than I thought.

I am indeed really scared to get hurt, anything that can make feel bad about myself.
My dad used to say I was weak, that I have to man up. But as all of you know, it is NOT how it works. And I'm the one stuck with that pain now. Being rejected so often by my immediate family caused me more pain than anything else. And I don't get it, I always felt hurt and still would try to make others feel good about themselves. I'm a good person, I wish I could be that good towards myself.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Matt29

Hi Trace! Thank you for answering.
Well I have to admit there many things twisted altogether. :/
I had crazy panic attacks for so long.. I dont even care for people anymore and I get scared "to death" when people like me, AND I feel like **** when the ones I like don't show specific signs that they like me back.
I know there is a lot of Acceptation to have towards myself but I feel like I just can't ! Like I am locked out of my feelings. They still happen tho.
Thing is, I'm a very lovely person, I like to be with people and they like to be around me too.. It is the biggest contradiction I've seen so far. And yet I feel SO ashamed of myself. And of course there is that struggle with ADD which is much harder than I thought.

I am indeed really scared to get hurt, anything that can make feel bad about myself.
My dad used to say I was weak, that I have to man up. But as all of you know, it is NOT how it works. And I'm the one stuck with that pain now. Being rejected so often by my immediate family caused me more pain than anything else. And I don't get it, I always felt hurt and still would try to make others feel good about themselves. I'm a good person, I wish I could be that good towards myself.

I have no doubt you are a good person. Why else would you even discuss this and want to feel better if you were not. Do you have a therapist? Are you taking any medications? Why would your immediate family reject you? Or anyone else? What specifically is causing this?

[Matt29]

I've been using Effexor for two years now, it changed my life. And I started Concerta 4 days ago see if it can help me focus and stopped being drained of energy at the middle of the day. I was seeing a sexologist not too long ago but was recently diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and waiting to enter the "rehab"program. For now I'm seeing a Social Worker so I don't get crazy and hurt myself I guess -.- not that I'm thinking about but when I find myself in emotionally hard to deal situations I feel so hurt that I want to hurt myself. Now, it is exactly why I went to the hospital to see a psychiatrist to know if she would see something I don't.

Thing is, I don't actually live any rejection anymore. But I keep living emotional flashbacks. I don't even need to think about it, it just comes by itself you know?
So in other words, I am causing this to myself without being able to do otherwise. Like if I am still a child emotionnally, living in the past. I don't really know how to go past this anymore. I have a very healthy lifestyle, it changes everything on the day to day but doesn't change a thing with deep wounds. It does help me feel good about myself tho. I can function in a way, but there is always this deep feeling of helplessness. Love is so important to me, connecting to people I like feels like a dream, which is why it's so frustrating.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Matt29

I've been using Effexor for two years now, it changed my life. And I started Concerta 4 days ago see if it can help me focus and stopped being drained of energy at the middle of the day. I was seeing a sexologist not too long ago but was recently diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and waiting to enter the "rehab"program. For now I'm seeing a Social Worker so I don't get crazy and hurt myself I guess -.- not that I'm thinking about but when I find myself in emotionally hard to deal situations I feel so hurt that I want to hurt myself. Now, it is exactly why I went to the hospital to see a psychiatrist to know if she would see something I don't.

Thing is, I don't actually live any rejection anymore. But I keep living emotional flashbacks. I don't even need to think about it, it just comes by itself you know?
So in other words, I am causing this to myself without being able to do otherwise. Like if I am still a child emotionnally, living in the past. I don't really know how to go past this anymore. I have a very healthy lifestyle, it changes everything on the day to day but doesn't change a thing with deep wounds. It does help me feel good about myself tho. I can function in a way, but there is always this deep feeling of helplessness. Love is so important to me, connecting to people I like feels like a dream, which is why it's so frustrating.

Well you are connecting with us here, that's a good start. This sounds like something a professional is going to have straighten out. I'm sorry this has got you so wound up. Have you ever tried any grounding exercises? Meditation? DBT training?
Did the psychiatrist see anything new or different?

[Matt29]

I usually don't have any trouble speaking about these things, its really when I have to connect emotionally. That said, its really nice to talk with people who can relate! I meditate from time to time but not as much as I should! The past few weeks have been hell, I am currently off work, I feel okay but its a lot of processing. When I saw the psychiatris was the time she told me about BPD. I asked her why she thought so and the way she explained it to me totally made me cry haha, since then I've been reading a book about it and I can relate a little too well.
Tho I have to admit, I felt so relieved to finally be able to know what's happening.
Thing is, there are so many symptoms surrounding BPD, and I know Post traumatic stress is one of them. So I've been doing research on the topic. I have a massotherapist who I like very much. And she is also an Hypnotherapist and accepted to help me, try to heal from these emotional/subconscious wounds. I look forward to it! She's one of the rare with whom I'm ready to really open up

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Matt29

I usually don't have any trouble speaking about these things, its really when I have to connect emotionally. That said, its really nice to talk with people who can relate! I meditate from time to time but not as much as I should! The past few weeks have been hell, I am currently off work, I feel okay but its a lot of processing. When I saw the psychiatris was the time she told me about BPD. I asked her why she thought so and the way she explained it to me totally made me cry haha, since then I've been reading a book about it and I can relate a little too well.
Tho I have to admit, I felt so relieved to finally be able to know what's happening.
Thing is, there are so many symptoms surrounding BPD, and I know Post traumatic stress is one of them. So I've been doing research on the topic. I have a massotherapist who I like very much. And she is also an Hypnotherapist and accepted to help me, try to heal from these emotional/subconscious wounds. I look forward to it! She's one of the rare with whom I'm ready to really open up

Wow, that sounds awesome. You have so many resources to work with! That really is great. What about medications? Are you going to be able to see the psychiatrist regularly? Or was that a one time deal at the hospital?
You are absolutely right about educating yourself about BPD and I know that relief once you get a diagnosis.
You know it's kind of scary how so many symptoms overlap into other diagnosis. So many are so similar.