[Werewoman]

...which is a long story, but the short version is simply shame and humiliation.

I like to tell the world what a fighter I am, how I'm all leather and lace and don't even think about effing with me cuz I'll annihilate you...blahblahblah.

What a load of....

Anyway, on Dec. 30, 2015, my husband of 23 years beat me senseless for the one and only time - so far, anyway. I left him for about 6 weeks, determined not to return. He lured me back when his thyroid was shown to be hyper and that supposedly explained some of it and I was so miserable and he was so repentant. I went back. Now I'm just wishing he would hit me. It wouldn't hurt so much.

I know it was dumb to come back, but I can't exactly take care of myself, or at least, I need to relearn how before I can just disappear as I'd like to.

I do things that I can't always help, and he persecutes me for it. He withholds affection when he's angry and he's always angry now. He doesn't hit me, he just turns his back on me, saying he needs space from me, which I'm sure he does, but what a lousy way to show it! He throws me into a tailspin causing panic attacks and major depressive episodes (I'm also bipolar II) and then has the gall to text our therapist and tells him I've "gone off the reservation" instead of "she's having a panic attack" and "she's really, really depressed and can't stop crying".

I really, really am starting to hate his attitude towards me. I'm scaring myself.

Anyone else ever feel this way?

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Werewoman

...which is a long story, but the short version is simply shame and humiliation.

I like to tell the world what a fighter I am, how I'm all leather and lace and don't even think about effing with me cuz I'll annihilate you...blahblahblah.

What a load of....

Anyway, on Dec. 30, 2015, my husband of 23 years beat me senseless for the one and only time - so far, anyway. I left him for about 6 weeks, determined not to return. He lured me back when his thyroid was shown to be hyper and that supposedly explained some of it and I was so miserable and he was so repentant. I went back. Now I'm just wishing he would hit me. It wouldn't hurt so much.

I know it was dumb to come back, but I can't exactly take care of myself, or at least, I need to relearn how before I can just disappear as I'd like to.

I do things that I can't always help, and he persecutes me for it. He withholds affection when he's angry and he's always angry now. He doesn't hit me, he just turns his back on me, saying he needs space from me, which I'm sure he does, but what a lousy way to show it! He throws me into a tailspin causing panic attacks and major depressive episodes (I'm also bipolar II) and then has the gall to text our therapist and tells him I've "gone off the reservation" instead of "she's having a panic attack" and "she's really, really depressed and can't stop crying".

I really, really am starting to hate his attitude towards me. I'm scaring myself.

Anyone else ever feel this way?

Wow, so sorry you are going through this. So can your therapist help with this? Words hurt bad enough but when it becomes physical I would think your therapist should be looking for alternative measures for you both. Be careful.

[Werewoman]

Oh, my therapist knows and I have a DV advocate.

I've always thought that words were worse than fists, and they are. We're waiting to hear back from the therapist now. We see him on Saturday, but I'm not real hopeful. I'm just so depressed, and nothing seems to be pulling me out of it right now.

I wanted hubby to go to a dv class, but he never did. He doesn't seem to understand that 'normal' people have to adapt to us - or let us go. Right now I don't care which. Just make this awful feeling go away.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Werewoman

Oh, my therapist knows and I have a DV advocate.

I've always thought that words were worse than fists, and they are. We're waiting to hear back from the therapist now. We see him on Saturday, but I'm not real hopeful. I'm just so depressed, and nothing seems to be pulling me out of it right now.

I wanted hubby to go to a dv class, but he never did. He doesn't seem to understand that 'normal' people have to adapt to us - or let us go. Right now I don't care which. Just make this awful feeling go away.

Are you on any type of medication for the depression? If the therapist is not helping you think maybe another therapist may be an option? Have you talked to the DV advocate? It sounds as if this could be reaching a critical moment for you and you do need to reach out to MH professionals that can help. Even call a Crisis Line if need be. Don't let this take to a dark place and point of no return. Be proactive and get the help you need before then, okay?

[Werewoman]

Oh yeah, 8 different meds, a psychiatrist that's a professor at OU, an actually pretty good therapist, when he's available, and usually a good husband.

I think what is happening is this situation is reaching critical mass. I think hubby has simply had enough of living with me, though he denies that. He just wants me to stop taking everything so personally. He simply doesn't understand, and I've tried everything I know to try to get him to. We have a call in to our therapist now and waiting for a call back. I plan to go in there with an ultimatum. Either learn to understand and help me, or let me go. Simple as that. I'm not waiting until I have no other choice but to be homeless, which is what I see happening all the time to the mentally ill.

I have (mostly - on my good days) been pro-active with all of my diagnosis', but I can't say it has made much difference.

I may end up going to hospital before the end of the day. Hubby is refusing to go to work because he's afraid to leave me alone.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Werewoman

Oh yeah, 8 different meds, a psychiatrist that's a professor at OU, an actually pretty good therapist, when he's available, and usually a good husband.

I think what is happening is this situation is reaching critical mass. I think hubby has simply had enough of living with me, though he denies that. He just wants me to stop taking everything so personally. He simply doesn't understand, and I've tried everything I know to try to get him to. We have a call in to our therapist now and waiting for a call back. I plan to go in there with an ultimatum. Either learn to understand and help me, or let me go. Simple as that. I'm not waiting until I have no other choice but to be homeless, which is what I see happening all the time to the mentally ill.

I have (mostly - on my good days) been pro-active with all of my diagnosis', but I can't say it has made much difference.

I may end up going to hospital before the end of the day. Hubby is refusing to go to work because he's afraid to leave me alone.

Maybe going to the hospital would be a good idea and give yourself some time to heal and rejuvenate. Maybe some of your meds need to be changed. There's just so much to mental illness that constantly has to be fine tuned. We are like automobiles, we need to be tuned up every now and then. I really do hope you go to the hospital if you feel that is a safe place for you right now. We want you to take care of you.

[*Laurie*]

You are in a typical, common abusive relationship. All the signs point to that. You live on eggshells. I have been there, and I left after the first violent episode. I never returned and it is in my past. I have nothing to say to you except what you know, deep inside - that you need to be out of the relationship before he beats you up again. Because he will. And you know that to be true.

[Werewoman]

One of these days I'm going to learn not to post while deep in a mde...

Laurie, I agree with you up to a point, but there's nothing typical or common about our relationship. I was having a very, very bad day when I posted, and for me, that means a lot of crap falls out of my brain that I wish I could take back.

Everything I said was true at the time, but it's not true all the time. Does that make sense? Probably not, but basically what happened is his actions triggered my PTSD which my bipolar depressive episodes feed off of. That's the conclusion I came to after talking with my therapist.

Hubby did try to take me to OU medical center's psych unit, but they wouldn't take me. Oklahoma is so screwed up. I was told I could end up anywhere in the state once they finished my intake, and I wasn't willing to end up in some dump in some hick town. That wasn't the solution either.

I am still learning to be proactive with myself. I have stopped drinking, and so has my husband. We were both smashed that night we had that fight, and it was a fight - that I started. I'm not saying I deserved what he did, but I am saying I share in the responsibility for the events leading up to it. He wasn't the only one who got physical. It's hard for me to admit that I've hurt someone I love, as it is for him, but we both know our own hearts, and as long as we don't drink, we feel it won't happen again. If I'm wrong, well, I can still leave.

Now if I can just figure out a way for my PTSD and bp to coexist, I might just be okay.

WW

[Nammu]

Sometime when a person is walking on eggshells they start the fight just to advance the wheel past the eggshell stage into the I'm sorry stage.

[Werewoman]

What if everyone involved is walking on eggshells all the time?

[Nammu]

Then something needs to change, like leaving. Have you checked out shelters you could go to?

[Werewoman]

Like I said, I have a DV advocate, so yes, I know where the shelter is. I just don't feel that throwing away 25 years (this month) of marriage is a good idea until I've exhausted all possible solutions. My advocate agrees, and so does my psychiatrist and my therapist as things stand right now. My husband and I are both working hard to resolve our issues.

[Nammu]

If he was working hard at resolving this he should be going to the DV classes. I made that a condition for my ex. but I had a 3 yr old child to protect and that made it easier to leave, I did so for her. It's hard to put ourself so in high esteem when we are getting treated badly everyday. Good luck