[AmandaBroken]

I was with my parents on vacation. We were driving home from a vacation. We were singing songs and having lots of fun. My dad was singing silly songs with me suddenly there was a crash, the sound of metal crunching, tires screaming, blood everywhere, a loud bang and then nothing.

I cried out to my mom and she asked me if I was okay. My dad said he loved me and starting to sing our favorite silly song then more silence. Finally, the silence was broken when I heard sirens, people yelling and loud shouts. Screaming. Only I didn't realize it was me screaming. I remember being removed from the car. I remember being placed in the ambulance and then nothing.

I remember after the accident everything was a blur. I remember the funeral. I remember family members being present but I was walking in shock. About a week later I collapsed. I woke up two months later. I was in a hospital in my hometown. Sitting next to me was my sister. She yelped when she saw me and gave me a big. I don't remember much more than that.

The doctors said I suffered some brain damage. In an area that soldiers do when they get a concussion from an explosion. The only ill effect for me was a sudden and complete change in personality. I was not the sweet innocent girl anymore. I graduated high school at the top of my class. I started college and then the real changes started I started to dress sorta gothic. I wore very sexy clothes, revealing clothes, rebelled against the church, started to date a girl from church.

The only one constant was school. My school work didn't drop it got better. I could remember things more clearly and better at least as it related to school. I could read faster. The threw around the word "savant." In May I will graduate. Again at the top of my class.

I miss my parents. More my dad than my mom. I was closer to him. They were killed by a drunk driver with a repeated history of drunk driving. A tragedy that could have been avoided if only he was jailed. I honor my parents every day and visit the cemetery often.

[Foucault pendulum]

Originally Posted by AmandaBroken

I was with my parents on vacation. We were driving home from a vacation. We were singing songs and having lots of fun. My dad was singing silly songs with me suddenly there was a crash, the sound of metal crunching, tires screaming, blood everywhere, a loud bang and then nothing.

I cried out to my mom and she asked me if I was okay. My dad said he loved me and starting to sing our favorite silly song then more silence. Finally, the silence was broken when I heard sirens, people yelling and loud shouts. Screaming. Only I didn't realize it was me screaming. I remember being removed from the car. I remember being placed in the ambulance and then nothing.

I remember after the accident everything was a blur. I remember the funeral. I remember family members being present but I was walking in shock. About a week later I collapsed. I woke up two months later. I was in a hospital in my hometown. Sitting next to me was my sister. She yelped when she saw me and gave me a big. I don't remember much more than that.

The doctors said I suffered some brain damage. In an area that soldiers do when they get a concussion from an explosion. The only ill effect for me was a sudden and complete change in personality. I was not the sweet innocent girl anymore. I graduated high school at the top of my class. I started college and then the real changes started I started to dress sorta gothic. I wore very sexy clothes, revealing clothes, rebelled against the church, started to date a girl from church.

The only one constant was school. My school work didn't drop it got better. I could remember things more clearly and better at least as it related to school. I could read faster. The threw around the word "savant." In May I will graduate. Again at the top of my class.

I miss my parents. More my dad than my mom. I was closer to him. They were killed by a drunk driver with a repeated history of drunk driving. A tragedy that could have been avoided if only he was jailed. I honor my parents every day and visit the cemetery often.

Hi Amanda,
I am also new in the forum and bipolar (I). Although I never suffered from PTSS, twice in my life I tried to obtain benefits from the EMDR therapy which I consider optimal for things -incredibly big tragedies- as you write us. Hope you do not find my commentary intrusive.

[Hairball]

What an awful trajedy, I am so sorry for your loss hun!!

I am sorry that you lost your parents so early and unexpectantly in life. They will always be a part of who you are.
Kudos for successfully navigating school while you were dealing with so many challenges. As far as "I started college and then the real changes started I started to dress sorta gothic. I wore very sexy clothes, revealing clothes, rebelled against the church, started to date a girl from church." goes--perhaps this would have happened regardless of the accident? Who knows. It seems normal to me to change the way we dress and date in college. I can relate to the feeling that I "rebelled against the church." It can be hard to stay on the straight and narrow when there is so much to be experienced, etc. I am in my 50s now and recently starting going to church again after having rarely attended for the last 35 years!
Enjoy this time in your life! Hopefully you get a good job after you graduate and with more income you can have good adventures and set your life on a course that includes more financial security. You may cry on your graduation day because your parents will not be there but they would have been very, very proud of you!!!!

[AmandaBroken]

Originally Posted by Foucault pendulum

Hi Amanda,
I am also new in the forum and bipolar (I). Although I never suffered from PTSS, twice in my life I tried to obtain benefits from the EMDR therapy which I consider optimal for things -incredibly big tragedies- as you write us. Hope you do not find my commentary intrusive.

I have tried this it hasn't worked. It's an issue of brain damage.

[AmandaBroken]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

I am sorry that you lost your parents so early and unexpectantly in life. They will always be a part of who you are.
Kudos for successfully navigating school while you were dealing with so many challenges. As far as "I started college and then the real changes started I started to dress sorta gothic. I wore very sexy clothes, revealing clothes, rebelled against the church, started to date a girl from church." goes--perhaps this would have happened regardless of the accident? Who knows. It seems normal to me to change the way we dress and date in college. I can relate to the feeling that I "rebelled against the church." It can be hard to stay on the straight and narrow when there is so much to be experienced, etc. I am in my 50s now and recently starting going to church again after having rarely attended for the last 35 years!
Enjoy this time in your life! Hopefully you get a good job after you graduate and with more income you can have good adventures and set your life on a course that includes more financial security. You may cry on your graduation day because your parents will not be there but they would have been very, very proud of you!!!!

My parents left me and my sister (who was not in the accident) in great financial shape. I will never have to work unless I choose too.

[Open Eyes]

(((AmandaBroken))), I am so sorry about your very traumatic loss. It's totally understandable that you were in a bit of a fog for a while, that is "shock" or a kind of freeze that presents when involved in a major trauma where the brain has no way of knowing how to "deal" with the major trauma.

As far as this?:

then the real changes started I started to dress sorta gothic. I wore very sexy clothes, revealing clothes, rebelled against the church, started to date a girl from church.

When someone experiences a major trauma it's not unusual for that person to take steps towards doing things that change their identity. This is an effort to distance from the part of you that is very hurt/devastated and still can't process it other than to try to be someone else. It's actually an intelligent way to make an effort to move forward while distancing from something one is simply not in anyway able to process. It's a form of avoidance and trying to escape from reminders and create something very different away from the person one is when they experienced so much trauma.

I honor my parents every day and visit the cemetery often.

It's good that you honor your parents every day. As a parent myself, if I was killed in an accident and my child was left with that trauma of losing me, I would want her to find her way forward even though I was not physically there for her to support her. I would want her to remember the love I gave her and how much I wanted her to live a healthy life and go forward accomplishing in her life using how much I love her and want that for her. I would not want her to focus on the loss and trauma of losing me, or to change who she is as a person, how that is connected to the love I gave her while I was present in her life.

Honoring your parents means honoring what they wanted "for" you and I know your parents would not want you to spend your life grieving them and the trauma that took away their physical presence in your life. Your parents don't want the singing to become something sad, but instead something you could embrace as a comfort as you march forward in your life towards "living" your life in a positive way. They would want you to take "their lives" forward with you in a positive way rather than hold you back in the grief you experience instead. Your parents don't want you to change who you are, instead they would want you to continue to grow in who you are and grow from who you were and still can be. Even though your parents are gone, they would have rather that happen than have you lose your life. So honor that and think about living your life honoring your parents in that light.

[AmandaBroken]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

(((AmandaBroken))), I am so sorry about your very traumatic loss. It's totally understandable that you were in a bit of a fog for a while, that is "shock" or a kind of freeze that presents when involved in a major trauma where the brain has no way of knowing how to "deal" with the major trauma.

As far as this?:

When someone experiences a major trauma it's not unusual for that person to take steps towards doing things that change their identity. This is an effort to distance from the part of you that is very hurt/devastated and still can't process it other than to try to be someone else. It's actually an intelligent way to make an effort to move forward while distancing from something one is simply not in anyway able to process. It's a form of avoidance and trying to escape from reminders and create something very different away from the person one is when they experienced so much trauma.


It's good that you honor your parents every day. As a parent myself, if I was killed in an accident and my child was left with that trauma of losing me, I would want her to find her way forward even though I was not physically there for her to support her. I would want her to remember the love I gave her and how much I wanted her to live a healthy life and go forward accomplishing in her life using how much I love her and want that for her. I would not want her to focus on the loss and trauma of losing me, or to change who she is as a person, how that is connected to the love I gave her while I was present in her life.

Honoring your parents means honoring what they wanted "for" you and I know your parents would not want you to spend your life grieving them and the trauma that took away their physical presence in your life. Your parents don't want the singing to become something sad, but instead something you could embrace as a comfort as you march forward in your life towards "living" your life in a positive way. They would want you to take "their lives" forward with you in a positive way rather than hold you back in the grief you experience instead. Your parents don't want you to change who you are, instead they would want you to continue to grow in who you are and grow from who you were and still can be. Even though your parents are gone, they would have rather that happen than have you lose your life. So honor that and think about living your life honoring your parents in that light.

I believe I am doing this. Thank you for the kind and thoughtful insights.

I am so very sorry.