[Kibou]

Ahem.. Sorry there may be possible triggers here ! I'll talk about an event involving physical violence and domestic abuse so ,____,
When I was at primary school, my parents had lots of fights & other relationships problems - I think I know what was the cause.. but that's not what matters here. this situation made me feel very helpless and upset, and even though most of these fights were just verbal and didn't involve physical violence.. someday, when I was 10, things got worse..
It was during summer holidays (I think it's why I don't like summer holidays now.. they always remember me of it ><). Mom and dad had a particulary brutal fight on that day. At first they were just verbally arguing, just as they normally did. My mom seemed a bit upset but rather calm, while my dad was like.. screaming, yelling (he was making so much noise.. it was unbearable), throwing and breaking objects. I got scared and hid in my room, crying alone. After some minutes spend crying, my mother came into in my room, cus she noticed I was sad because of the fight and tried to comfort me. And what happened next..
I heard very loud footsteps, someone was running into the direction of my room. The door opened suddenly. Daddy entered in. I heard my mom screaming "NO!" when he first tried to hit her. She dodged his hand, but then he grabbed her shoulders and pushed her against the wall. I know it's simple to sum up like that, but I feel like words aren't enough to describe how HORRIBLE each detail of the scene was. Dad was looking into mom's eyes, and he looked just.. mad.. His eyes were weird, like full of the will to.. kill, it feels weird to say, but yeah, I really thought it was the end I thought he was going to kill her. I'm sure my mom was screaming, but I can't really remember what she said. After this.. I don't remember what happened exactly, I don't know how, my mother managing escaping and grabbed the phone, threatening him to call the police. He then ran away from the house, crying and yelling horrible things (I don't want to quote them..). A while after I looked at mum's arms and back, she had several bruises, and confessed me it wasn't the first time a such thing happened..
;;Sorry for the wall of text, but even with that I'm not sure that I can properly express how I felt on that day. How could something that horrible happen ? I was living a perfect and happy childhood and then suddenly ?? How could a mentally sane adult, supposed to be safe, responsible, protecting, loving go nuts and clobber his girlfriend in front of his child ? I just don't get it.

Let's say that it really shocked me. And I don't know if I have PTSD or not, like, I think I've got some of its symptoms but not all of them. For example, since that day I have a pretty avoidant behavior, I systematically avoid every situations involving conflict : if someone hurts me, I prefer to say nothing, so we don't get into an argument ; if I hurt somebody, I immediately apologize even when I don't feel sincerely guilty ; if two people start fighting in front of me, I just go away, because it's unbearable for me to see two people arguing now, it just freaks me out every time. Now I have a boyfriend, and I am terrified he would do me the same thing my dad did to my mother. I even do things I don't want to do just in order to please him so he won't get mad at me.

I also have some "triggers" like when I watch brutal fights in movies which remind me of what happened on that day, I feel weird. A few weeks ago I heard my neighbors arguing, oh god I was terrified, petrified.

However I wonder if this is really PTSD ? I mean, these kinds of "attacks" (by which I mean this feeling of terror and powerlessness that occurs each time I witness sometimes that remembers me of what happened) are not too hard to handle and get rid of to me. While I noticed that people with PTSD semm to live in a living hell, I feel like my life is going pretty well atm.
Maybe there's just that conflict-avoidant behavior I can't get rid of.
Dunno.

[Wild Coyote]

I am very sorry for what you've gone through.
Your history would have to have an effect upon you.

That was a lot to share. You are courageous to share. I admire that in you.

Regarding your diagnosis, none of us can diagnose you, please see a qualified mental health professional for the proper diagnosis and for treatment.

You seem very interested in understanding what's going on with yourself. Why not see a psychiatrist and/or a therapists for an evaluation and for possible treatment?

Take good care of yourself.

WC

[leomama]

Only a p doc can tell you

[seeker33]

I'm not diagnosing you and you should visit a professional. However you might be interested in the concept of "complex trauma or complex PTSD". you might like to read a book by Peter Walker, Peter Levine and a book "body keeps the score" (forgot author).
I'd read them and see if that describes you and then talk about it with a professional who specialises in trauma.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Kibou

Ahem.. Sorry there may be possible triggers here ! I'll talk about an event involving physical violence and domestic abuse so ,____,
When I was at primary school, my parents had lots of fights & other relationships problems - I think I know what was the cause.. but that's not what matters here. this situation made me feel very helpless and upset, and even though most of these fights were just verbal and didn't involve physical violence.. someday, when I was 10, things got worse..
It was during summer holidays (I think it's why I don't like summer holidays now.. they always remember me of it ><). Mom and dad had a particulary brutal fight on that day. At first they were just verbally arguing, just as they normally did. My mom seemed a bit upset but rather calm, while my dad was like.. screaming, yelling (he was making so much noise.. it was unbearable), throwing and breaking objects. I got scared and hid in my room, crying alone. After some minutes spend crying, my mother came into in my room, cus she noticed I was sad because of the fight and tried to comfort me. And what happened next..
I heard very loud footsteps, someone was running into the direction of my room. The door opened suddenly. Daddy entered in. I heard my mom screaming "NO!" when he first tried to hit her. She dodged his hand, but then he grabbed her shoulders and pushed her against the wall. I know it's simple to sum up like that, but I feel like words aren't enough to describe how HORRIBLE each detail of the scene was. Dad was looking into mom's eyes, and he looked just.. mad.. His eyes were weird, like full of the will to.. kill, it feels weird to say, but yeah, I really thought it was the end I thought he was going to kill her. I'm sure my mom was screaming, but I can't really remember what she said. After this.. I don't remember what happened exactly, I don't know how, my mother managing escaping and grabbed the phone, threatening him to call the police. He then ran away from the house, crying and yelling horrible things (I don't want to quote them..). A while after I looked at mum's arms and back, she had several bruises, and confessed me it wasn't the first time a such thing happened..
;;Sorry for the wall of text, but even with that I'm not sure that I can properly express how I felt on that day. How could something that horrible happen ? I was living a perfect and happy childhood and then suddenly ?? How could a mentally sane adult, supposed to be safe, responsible, protecting, loving go nuts and clobber his girlfriend in front of his child ? I just don't get it.

Let's say that it really shocked me. And I don't know if I have PTSD or not, like, I think I've got some of its symptoms but not all of them. For example, since that day I have a pretty avoidant behavior, I systematically avoid every situations involving conflict : if someone hurts me, I prefer to say nothing, so we don't get into an argument ; if I hurt somebody, I immediately apologize even when I don't feel sincerely guilty ; if two people start fighting in front of me, I just go away, because it's unbearable for me to see two people arguing now, it just freaks me out every time. Now I have a boyfriend, and I am terrified he would do me the same thing my dad did to my mother. I even do things I don't want to do just in order to please him so he won't get mad at me.

I also have some "triggers" like when I watch brutal fights in movies which remind me of what happened on that day, I feel weird. A few weeks ago I heard my neighbors arguing, oh god I was terrified, petrified.

However I wonder if this is really PTSD ? I mean, these kinds of "attacks" (by which I mean this feeling of terror and powerlessness that occurs each time I witness sometimes that remembers me of what happened) are not too hard to handle and get rid of to me. While I noticed that people with PTSD semm to live in a living hell, I feel like my life is going pretty well atm.
Maybe there's just that conflict-avoidant behavior I can't get rid of.
Dunno.

I cant tell you if this is normal, PTSD, an anxiety disorder or any other mental or medical condition.

what I can tell you is that in ......me...... ptsd is a whole bunch of problems....

in me its having direct exposure to a traumatic event, having nightmares about the traumatic event, having flashbacks about the traumatic event and having panic attack about the traumatic event, Having intrusive thoughts about the traumatic event that affect what I am doing, having intense feelings about the traumatic event to the point where this affects other areas of my life, having unreasonable rage at myself or others because of the traumatic event, easily frustrated/ irritable because of the traumatic event, doing isolative behaviors when triggered because of the traumatic event, feeling numb and spaced out at times, all of which last longer than a month....

example when hurricane sandy hit our city many lost their homes, loved one. I lost my home, a dear relative died and it took a long time in a hotel with my wife and children before we could afford a new home, new personal belongings and be reunited with our pets.

for about a week now we have been planning for the storm called nor'eastern thats about to hit our city. through out all of this I am having all the above symptoms hitting me no matter what I am doing, its interfering with my time doing pleasurable family things, its interfering with my work, its causing me problems as I go about preparing for the upcoming storm...making sure our generators are working and have plenty of fuel, candles, emergency easy to prepare foods for a family of 6, making sure the pets are prepared and cared for.... I am living by lists because I can not concentrate, and I have to keep checking myself so that my mood isnt taken out on my wife who is very understanding and is doing her part of this and also helping me to stay grounded and calm as much as she possibly can too. I am also preparing for whats to come after the storm because I know my body well enough to know that just because the traumatic event is over there is going to be some time while I continue to have these same symptoms as my mind adjusts to what ever happened during this storm that may also relate to what we went though with hurricane sandy.

Again I cant tell you what it is called for what you are going through, for that you will need to contact your own treatment providers.

suggestion... if this continues to bother you contact a mental health treatment provider that can diagnose and treat you for what ever is going on.

[Open Eyes]

A child or even adult can be traumatized by witnessing another individual being hurt and being frightened and unable to do anything to stop it. You can be struggling with some post traumatic stress symptoms and one of these symptoms is avoiding situations that are reminders of a trauma that a person witnessed/experienced where they had no control over what they were witnessing.

[leomama]

Only a psych evaluation can tell you

[Kibou]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I am very sorry for what you've gone through.
Your history would have to have an effect upon you.

That was a lot to share. You are courageous to share. I admire that in you.

Regarding your diagnosis, none of us can diagnose you, please see a qualified mental health professional for the proper diagnosis and for treatment.

You seem very interested in understanding what's going on with yourself. Why not see a psychiatrist and/or a therapists for an evaluation and for possible treatment?

Take good care of yourself.

WC

Thank you for your support >< I'll be able to see a doctor soon..
*hugs back* ;;

[Kibou]

Originally Posted by seeker33

I'm not diagnosing you and you should visit a professional. However you might be interested in the concept of "complex trauma or complex PTSD". you might like to read a book by Peter Walker, Peter Levine and a book "body keeps the score" (forgot author).
I'd read them and see if that describes you and then talk about it with a professional who specialises in trauma.

Thank you, I'll check this out C:

[Kibou]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

I cant tell you if this is normal, PTSD, an anxiety disorder or any other mental or medical condition.

what I can tell you is that in ......me...... ptsd is a whole bunch of problems....

in me its having direct exposure to a traumatic event, having nightmares about the traumatic event, having flashbacks about the traumatic event and having panic attack about the traumatic event, Having intrusive thoughts about the traumatic event that affect what I am doing, having intense feelings about the traumatic event to the point where this affects other areas of my life, having unreasonable rage at myself or others because of the traumatic event, easily frustrated/ irritable because of the traumatic event, doing isolative behaviors when triggered because of the traumatic event, feeling numb and spaced out at times, all of which last longer than a month....

example when hurricane sandy hit our city many lost their homes, loved one. I lost my home, a dear relative died and it took a long time in a hotel with my wife and children before we could afford a new home, new personal belongings and be reunited with our pets.

for about a week now we have been planning for the storm called nor'eastern thats about to hit our city. through out all of this I am having all the above symptoms hitting me no matter what I am doing, its interfering with my time doing pleasurable family things, its interfering with my work, its causing me problems as I go about preparing for the upcoming storm...making sure our generators are working and have plenty of fuel, candles, emergency easy to prepare foods for a family of 6, making sure the pets are prepared and cared for.... I am living by lists because I can not concentrate, and I have to keep checking myself so that my mood isnt taken out on my wife who is very understanding and is doing her part of this and also helping me to stay grounded and calm as much as she possibly can too. I am also preparing for whats to come after the storm because I know my body well enough to know that just because the traumatic event is over there is going to be some time while I continue to have these same symptoms as my mind adjusts to what ever happened during this storm that may also relate to what we went though with hurricane sandy.

Again I cant tell you what it is called for what you are going through, for that you will need to contact your own treatment providers.

suggestion... if this continues to bother you contact a mental health treatment provider that can diagnose and treat you for what ever is going on.

I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go through this ;; Idk what to say, it just sounds horrible, I sincerely hope you'll recover
Thank you for the support.. !

[Kibou]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

A child or even adult can be traumatized by witnessing another individual being hurt and being frightened and unable to do anything to stop it. You can be struggling with some post traumatic stress symptoms and one of these symptoms is avoiding situations that are reminders of a trauma that a person witnessed/experienced where they had no control over what they were witnessing.

I see, thanks.. !

[Unrigged64072835]

I've been a witness to domestic violence, both from my parents and from two major relationships. I was scared of conflict in interactions with people.

Like others have said, you need to see a professional. However, even if you don't get a diagnosis you can still get therapy to manage it.