I feel alone sometimes

There's times where I feel so alone. So many people tell me that I'm not alone and that they won't give up on me, yet sometimes I feel alone deep inside. Anytime my friend stops speaking to me or I haven't heard from them in awhile I can't help but get depressed because anytime I talk to them I feel happy.

The moment they stop speaking to me, I feel damaged again. Maybe I'm relying too much on my friends. It's just I feel alone all the time and crying from recovering from a domestic violence relationship and rape. It's very hard for me to take all of this in. Anytime I have friends around me, I feel happy and full of life. When I feel alone again and nobody is speaking to me, I feel like I'm sinking again and sometimes I blame myself cause I suffer from PTSD.

I don't expect anyone to understand how I feel or what I'm going through, I just want friends by me that support me and won't give up on me. I'm never the type of person to give up on anyone. It's so hard to find loyal friends these days who will stick by yourself no matter what. It seems the moment you're going through a hard time, everyone leaves and I think it's unfair to be honest..... I'd never do this type of thing to a friend. If anything, I'd try to do anything to be supportive of them.

So when my friends are not speaking to me and it goes for weeks or a month at a time, I immediately blame myself again and think to myself, "They're not speaking to me cause I have PTSD. I must be a freak of nature..."

I relate so much to this. The moment I'm alone, I just feel like damaged goods, a defect and more than anything I feel weak. I can feel like this when I'm with friends (like when we're about to do something and I have to back out because it's just too triggering), too. When I'm with people though, and making them laugh or talking about the universe etc., I feel a little less alone and I'm distracted from the chaos in my head. Lately, I've been forcing distance from everyone, probably because of depression, but also because I hate that feeling once I'm alone again.

I wish you had friends who understood better. It took me a very long time to find them myself. Once I did, it helped tremendously. Just know that you deserve people who won't just leave, who will stand by you when you're hurting and that you're not damaged. You're different from how you were before the trauma, but there's nothing, nothing wrong with that. You are you, and that should be enough.