[wisewoman]

Well, one of my abusers died a year ago this month. I didn't hate him but often had nightmares where he was involved in holding me captive and other more lurrid details. I had stopped having those dreams about three years ago and now these past few weeks have been filled with them. Always same themes too.

Part of it is that I dream I am being blamed and accused for what has happened and I am trying to defend my innocence. That is a big current theme in my life right now with me personally due to real life issues. I feel like I wear a sign on me that says go ahead and screw me everyone else does. Easy target I guess.

So the dreams are troubling. The whole thing about being accused of doing bad things in real life has flared the PTSD stuff. It seems like a vicious circle.

Help?

[Perna]

Sounds like same-time-of-year, anniversary dream but too, maybe you blame yourself for something? Don't feel you're doing enough? I think if people make outrageous accusations, we know they're outrageous and it just "annoys" us. But when it makes us anxious, it's because there's a bit of poison still in the wound?

I remember when a boss humiliated me and made me cry at work once and I got to thinking about it and it was because some of what he said was "true" only I was doing my best, working on the problem, but couldn't quite fix it yet. People sometimes deliberately use or stuble upon old issues that haven't quite been resolved and that hurts. Do you see/still see a therapist? I'd look for poison near "it was my fault I was abused" and see if you find anything. Getting that out might make you more comfortable and able to see present outrageous accusations as what they are, outrageous.

[wisewoman]

Perna, I do see a T and it's clear that this is happening because in real life I am being accused of things I didn't do so that with the anniversary is too much for my brain. I also have feelings of confusion as when he died I was happy to know he did good in his life despite severe mental and physical illness. I think it is stirring up another abuser's stuff. My mother. Always accusing me of being a horrid person, doing bad things etc. Make sense?

[Perna]

Ah, and dear mother is playing dominoes with her feelings, trying to topple your good ones.

{{{wisewoman}}} Hope your T can comfort you some.

[wisewoman]

I don't have contact with her of which to speak. It's the old demons let out somehow now.

[_Hope_]