[xIxAmxSadx]

Hi All,

Posted this in the complex PTSD forum but I'd like to post it here too.

I find that no matter how much progress I make in therapy and how well I am doing I still have urges to look at things that trigger me, specifically look at my abusers Facebook page and read their blogs which upset me very much. I don't know why I do this. I believe it makes me feel like I have control when I look at it, but I know it also makes me feel out of control. Does anyone else do this or something similar? If so, how do you deal with these urges or do you know why this happens? Thanks!

xx

[Yaowen]

It is hard to deal with powerful urges. Sometimes it helps me to aim at small victories rather than complete conquest. If I do something that is counterproductive to my mental health, I aim at doing it less.

Instead of aiming at 100% control I congratulate myself if I can do anything above zero. For example, if I gravitate towards my triggers 10 times per day, I aim to lessen that number by one.

If I cannot conquer an urge I congratulate myself on trying to conquer it. If I cannot try to conquer it, I congratulate myself for wanting to try. If I cannot even want to try, I congratulate myself on at least wanting to want to try.

There is always a part of me above the struggle that is observing it, that part of me that doesn't want me to be conquered by powerful but self-destructive urges.

I am sorry that your brain causes you to gravitate towards your triggers. This happens to me too.

Sometimes I do it for noble purposes, to test myself and see if there has been some improvement in my mental stability and resilience. But sometimes it seems I don't really have a good reason for what I do, at least that I am consciously aware of.

I try not to beat up my brain mentally for its falls.

I realize my brain is doing everything it can to serve me 24/7. It doesn't make mistakes on purpose.

My brain is not an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing, all-perfect being. It is a little 3 pound organ of my body which is doing the best it can at each moment given everything influencing it.

I hope you will not beat yourself up over what your brain is doing. Sometimes it seems like the brain has a mind of its own.

Wish I knew how to help you, but sadly I don't. Hopefully others here with more knowledge, experience and insight will see your post and respond with helpful ideas.

My heart goes out to you.

[MuddyBoots]

Yeah. I had two abusers (my dad and a neighbor). I even moved in with my dad for a bit recently and I met up with the neighbor a while back. I used to get drunk and call him all the time, but stopped when I stopped drinking so much and eventually he stopped calling me too.

Yaowen has a very fine outlook on the deal. Every time you resist the urge is an achievement.

[Fuzzybear]

Yaowen and MuddyBoots make good points. I try not to beat my brain up when it makes mistakes

[xIxAmxSadx]

Thank you all so much for your kind and thoughtful replies! I really, really appreciate it! They helped a lot!