Home movies/old family pics

T asked me if I had any and if I would bring them in. So I did.

It was very difficult, not only to see that a family such as ours who "looked" so normal ended up so %$#$%$ up, but to see my dad walking around and laughing etc. It was painful.

At one point my father lifts me up from behind a snowbank and everyone is laughing and having a good time and my mother and him start a snowball fight. That should make me laugh and feel good. No. I cry. Even just writing this.

People always say to me, "you should hold on to the good memories" but they don't know that's the problem. They don't know, that for some reason I'm still trying to figure out, I chose to discard the good and hold on to the bad, sad, scary, angry ones. I have done that with all who die.

When he died, it was so very painful for me. I stuffed all memories of him way, way down in my toes. I cried for two years until I was twelve, asking God to let me die so I could be with my father. I did this quietly because no one knew what to say to me. Then I woke up one day and said to my mother "I can't remember Daddy." Her response, typical of her, "OF COURSE you can remember him. For Chrissakes you were ten years old!" I quickly realized my mistake and lied to her, telling her I remembered him until about 12 years ago when my brother died. (My favorite one of the two who died)

What I remember of my father's death is the six months before he died when he struggled with his brain tumor. (we didn't know until three days before he died that's what it was) He became a father I didn't know. I remember being told when he died. I remember going to the wake and I remember the funeral all the way up to the point where we headed towards the grave.

It's as if my "life" started at age ten. I guess that's because it was an enmpty, scary, new life without him and then my house became a flop house for junkies and &^%$%$ me up even more.

Don't know why I rambled so. Just wanted to mention the movie part. Even with the sadness it brought up, it was pretty cool to share that part of my life with T, cuz all she usually hears is the creepy stuff.

Thanks for listening.

Thanks for the hug Kaika.

I often feel 'torn' when I'll remember something positive in my childhood when it is in a sea of negativity. It is a little hard to know what to feel.

Take care.
((( Orange )))

(((((((((((((((orange)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Its so hard for me to look at pictures of the past too
you said
"People always say to me, "you should hold on to the good memories""

sometimes its hard to remember the good
i understand
somewheres in you are a few good ones I hope
((((you matter so much)))))
((( you are such a good friend))))))))))))))))))))
I am having a hard time posting to you
((crying)))
my life started at age 12 it seemed
I find you very brave
Thank god you are at pc
((((((((((((((((orange))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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Griffe said:
It is a little hard to know what to feel.

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I agree. It was very confusing to me to watch my brothers get the crap kicked out of them and me stand by unscathed. (at least physically) When my dad died, my brothers were 16, 14 and 13. They "hated" my father. I adored him (pre brain tumor)

Then one day they gave each other tatoos. They were a cross with the word dad over it. It really messed me up (I was still only 10 so I can see why) that they would rage against the injustice yet turn around and "honor" him.

((( muffin )))

I have good memories of school and playing with my toys and stuff. Being at friend's houses, jump rope that kind of thing. Home life, well I have no idea where I even slept till I was six, and when I asked my mother and my brother...they both kinda scratched their heads and said "Geez, we don't remember."

No home memories before six at all. None. Not one room. We lived in a two bedroom apartment attached to the house my parents bought when I was six. I am on the home movies at about two crawling out of a crib on Christmas morning that was in the corner of my parents' room. But I still can't remember anything about it.

(((((((((((orange)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
sometimes I think the mind blocks things
well we know thats true...........
I can remember bits and pieces.....
once in awhile a memory will float back.....
had one the other day was not real ready for it
but i did ok
this is not about me but you
Take your time with them......
I think when you are ready to handle them
some will come floating back.
If that is what you want....
All that pain you have had in your life...
Makes it hard I think imo for some things to come back
You are a amazing person.........
(((((((((((((((orange))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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muffy said:
All that pain you have had in your life...

Makes it hard I think imo for some things to come back

I think when you are ready to handle them
some will come floating back.

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There is a part of me that really does not want to know any of it and I feel more allegiance to that part than any other.

It concerns me that I really don't want to look at it. Why? I wonder.

Thanks muffy ((( HUG )))

I miss what was.
I miss what could have been.
I miss the dead.

(((((OB)))))))

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It's as if my "life" started at age ten.

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So this is when the big split happened for you? I always said that my life began at age 12.

Sigh. So sorry and big big big big hugs.

((((( Orange )))))

Wish I had wise words to help, but hyenas aren't known for their wisdom, so I'll just give you a big hug. I know it's really hard to miss someone who has passed But I think it's important to not focus on what could have been or should have been in the past. We can never change the past.

((((((((((((Orange_Blossom))))))))))))))

I wish I knew what to tell you..but I don't. But I can give hugs and support

You are right, Griffe. It is important not to focus on the past. I am working hard at it.

((( Silversparrow )))

You are so sweet. Thank you bunches!

(((((((((((((((Orange_Blossom))))))))))))

Much much love to you dear one.

((((((((((((((( orange_blossom )))))))))))))))

Lots of hugs just for you.

Oh thank you so much gimme, you have no idea how much I could use one right now.

Hugs are most welcome.

((((((((((((((( orange ))))))))))))))
Thinking of you dear orange, many hugs

I know I should be grateful that T wanted to see pics and movies of me when I was little.

I know I should be grateful that even if I can't remember, I can at least "watch" the memories of the past.

I know I should be grateful for a lot of things.

But instead I'm sad.

((((( Orange )))))
Sometimes we tell ourselves how to feel, and it doesn't help. I second-guess my emotions a lot, and tell myself "I should be happy, I should be thankful". We can't 'choose' our emotions, the emotions that come and the emotions that come.
Being sad is okay. I'm sorry you're sad, but it seems like a natural reaction, and no one can tell you how to feel. Everyone is different and will have a different emotional response to everything. Beating ourselves up over emotions doesn't help. I do hope the sadness goes, though.

Take care.

Thanks Griffe. It's one of those things where intellectually I understand it but it just doesn't connect with the emotional me... yet. I'm working on it.