[mum2four]

Ever since an certain event that caused to get PTSD in 2007 I've felt different not able to be the parent I was despite depression, and anxiety, and OCD. PTSD seems to have taken my confidance as a parent. I dont trust my self to make friend that will not hurt me or my kids. I use to be the sort of person that helped my friend but when it back fired on me and I became the worst day of my life I became lost. I dont trust my self make safe friends i dont feel I have the right to put my kids at risk what if I miss judge a potencial friend again and some thing worse happens.

I cant get back to wanting and loving the idea of throwing my kids a b'day party. How do i trust that people I invite in my home or to be around my kids will be safe for them. How do I allow my self be responicable for the safty of other peoples kids. I know I put my self between the danger and the kids that I had at my house that day but I could not protect them from emotional distress. The parent blamed me like I could have avoided what happened I had know idea he would do what he did he was not even invited to the party. He was angry at his partner my friend. How do I get my personailty back my fun loving sprit back. I can I let my gaurd down take a risk again. I got so stressed out organising my 10y old birthday and that was so not fair to her. I have my sons 14y b'day coming up not metion my own b'day and sisters and brothers b'day november is b'day mth I so want to skip it I dont know how to face people in party situation anymore. I dont trust my self I want to beleaive it was a once off but I cant make it feel that way. I want to be a childcare worker but I've lots my beleaive that I'm a safe care giver that I can pretect kids enough for parants. I want my old self back I want to feel relaxed around kids I want to feel like I can protect them I want have fun and not feel like I be on the look out for danger. I spent most of my daughters b'day watching for danger I was so scared that the park was bad idea but I could not bare to have people at my house last xmas I spent most of the day on my computer trying to ignore the feeling of wanting run or sleep the day away. I want to enjoy this xmas again. I have not enjoyed xmas the last 2 years. I want to have BBQ at my house and invite people over that have kids but i dont feel thats a safe idea. I just thought all these feeling were anxiety and OCD related till my phycologist asked me if I thought it may be PTSD instead. I make sence it explains why it feels so different so new to me why i no longer have patiences why I snap so easily, I've never been short tempered before, I once stayed up for 48 hour with my youngest child when he was 11mth old because he would not settle only to realise he was having an asthma attack on the second night. he has silent asthma the only sign was his tummy being sucked in under his ribs I never forget that I think I was changing him when I noticed you still have to look under his shirt to see if he's having an attack. where my abilty to cope to deal with chalanges I want it back.

[KDlady]

I feel very similiar - I could do anything - overcome every challege - conquer every fear and insecurity. Now I am back to feeling overwhelmed - a victim not a survivor - PTSD never even occured to me until I went to the DR and he suggested the possibility - and now I am just mad about it all over again - why me - didn't I already do all this therapy stuff - can't this just be finished. The lack of control and power is very distressing to me.

[Crew]

I am so sorry (((((mum2four)))) that your having all those feelings that are just as real as you are...

I love the fact that you wrote and wrote that is huge and I need to learn towrite like you!

Not sure what else to say other than your only a victim if you choose not to continue...yet your a survivor and even a thrivor!! However, even with all those feelings your still going to be mum2 four and your a great addition to PC!

Good Luck....... ThaCrew crew for short

[Smilie]

Wow, I didn't know that PTSD quiet that extensive, I am new at all this. Thanks for sharing.Smilie

[mum2four]

The Intrusive Symptoms include:

• Distressing thoughts or images

I've always had the exact images of what happened to in 2007 so to me it just comfirmed my worst fears.

• Nightmares about the event

Dont really have nightmares but I dont sleep properly ever since 2007 I spent 6month sleeping in the lounge room which was near my front door where the event happen in never acured to me that I might have done that becuase I was gaurding the house to protect my kids till my T asked me why....I still dont sleep well I wake up at least 20 times a night, at least 5 of those time I'm awake for min of 30 mins maximum who knows hours...there have been nights I felt like I was a sleep enough to not have the abilty to interact with the invironment but awake enough to be hearing everything that was going on at first I thought I was dreaming but then there was times it was like I was dreaming then woke up but i woke up again so I thought but I was still dreaming or dazed or something cause when I finally woke up I just felt confused I started asking my partner what he just been talking about and I realised that it was not a dream I was really hearing everything word for word...i still cant explain the feeling fully or what caused it but I wonder if it my brain not coming out of being hyper aware of my surounding.

• Feeling or acting as if the traumatic event were recurring

I have not been able to bring my self to even attempt to put my self in is a simular situation that might cause this to happen. I feel bad enough just at the idea of putting my self in party invironment let alone at my own house again. The fue time I've had family over for a meal I have used more sedatives before and after and during for up to a week than I use in an adverage week.

• intense psychological distress when exposed to something that triggers memories of the traumatic event.

This has been the biggest change for since 2007 any thing slightly realated to knid of things that happened to me just make me snippy and stressed and short tempered and more. When I think about the event it's not even the brocken window or the smashed door or the image of being punched that causes me the most distress no its the sound of kids crying (I'm crying now) the fear in there voice the tears rolling down there faces seeing the effect on there behaviour for month after the event. The look on my kids faces when I walked threw the Mc Donalds play ground door and thay saw my face I just had a split lip and a bruising...how would thay have reacted if my own kids were at home that night I thank goodness my mum had them for the week end but the look on my friends kids faces was bad enough. We told the kids what to expect before we took the home but cryed and looked so scared just looking at the brocken glass on the loungeroom floor..I cant bare to imaging the look on ther faces if they saw it. I was not even in the room when I first heard the window smash..I went in to protect the kids mode at first I just thought some one had fallen threw something made of glass, I really dont remember much after the first window was smashed except that I told all the parants to take the kids to very back room and hide and I standing near the front the door telling the very angry guy to go away cause the police where on there way. I have several images of what happened after that but thats all I remember being hit but not the pain of being hit. I remember making sure everyone stayed in safe place I remember checking on everyone and every child I remember doing everything I was the one that called the police I was the one that seemed to be incontrol of the situation. I dont know how much timed past before I really took any steps to help my self at the time it was all about everyone els. I was still helping people trying to comfort people I did not cry I did not act scared I seem to everyone around me that I was fine with everything that happened everyone els was crying thay were unconcerned about any one els that was there. After the police left and the people had left it did not take long for me to 100% compleatly fall apart in my partner arms....

• Physical symptoms such as sweating, muscle tension and rapid heartbeat when exposed to things that trigger memories of the traumatic event.

The Avoidance Symptoms include:

• Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the trauma, as well as any feelings associated with the trauma.
  PTSD sufferers may resort to alcohol or illicit drugs to block out unwanted memories & feelings. According to the Australian Centre for Post Traumatic Mental Health (1999), approximately 50% of men and 25% of women with chronic PTSD have drug and alcohol issues
• Avoiding people, places and activities that trigger memories of the traumatic event.

big time but I did not make the conection till my T pointed it out while I dont avoid doors or windows any more than i use to it seem that PTSD is trigger by parties, the idea of looking after other peoples children specially at my house and big time during a party. I just cry everytime I think about taking a risk of having another child go threw anything bad in my presence let alone on my property and no way can i think about having aparty with kids at my house. Whats even worse is I feel like PTSD is trying to convince me that I wont make good childcare worker. I cant loose the dream of working with kids cause its the only job I feel I'll ever beable to cope with.

• not remembering an important part of the traumatic event

Dont remember much just snapshots

• Losing interest in, and enjoyment of e.g. leisure activities, study, work or stop participating in such activities altogether.

BIG TIME

• Feeling detached from other people

A little

• Being unable to feel joy or have loving feelings

Big time

• Not be able to see a future for themselves, they don't expect to get married, have a family , live a long time

BIG TIME my hopes and dreams seem vague and unatainable, I'm nore negative about my parenting abilty, I question everything I do I parent.

The Physical Arousal Symptoms include:

• Sleep disturbance

What sleep I have forgotten what it feels like to sleep threw the night. I sleep but I dont think I get to proper sleep mode.

• irritability or anger

Short tempered big time

• impaired concentration

What is this I feel like I have had a stroke I can find simple words i cant remember why I went in to a room I cant remember oppointments or what I want to say ect ect .. my head just go's quiet and I zone out and my kids are talking to me and I zone out time and time again during the same converation I ask them to repeat what they said and I zone out again.

• being always on the alert for signs of danger
  The PTSD sufferer may be constantly scanning their surroundings for possible threats, e.g. someone who has been in a major car accident may become a back seat driver. Someone who has been physically assaulted may always sit with their back to a wall so noone can sneak up behind them

did that lots at my 10y party

• being easily startled
  THE PTSD sufferer may overreact to something such as a noise. E.g. a war veteran may be shaken if they hear a car backfire because of their past experience of being threatened by gun fire)

big time if theres even a minor verbal disbute I have to get as far as way from it as posiable and even when my kids argue I cant handle it the way i use to my partner has told me I have over reacted so many times.

PTSD is so hard especially when you are a mom. And that asthma thing, I never heard of that, me and my kids have it the regular kind and that is stressful enough in itself.

It is interesting that you brought this up because I am going to talk about that with my T today. The flight or fight has taken away so much from me. I know it is a normal response to danger that we learned but enough already! right?
I a 40yr. old mom who went back to college a few years ago parttime and now since my PTSD is kicked up in high gear, I can't study or read. I can't retain the info until recently when my doctor put me on Strattera, not of ADHD, but for the flight or fight feeling and dissociation of PTSD. It has helped a lot so far this month. But I do feel my confidence slipping away and the guilt of not being the mom I want to be just kills me. It was the one thing I knew I was good at.

Are you in therapy for this?

[mum2four]

my oldest 2 kids have been put on strattera.... my 14y has asperger syndrome and while there way to cure aspergers it has helped is attention span and reduced the intencity of his obsessive behaviours. My 12y daughter also takes that and shes had a huge change in her attenstion and focus as well shes been diagnoised with depression she also takes and anti D med. I strongly suspect that my 12y has OCD. She crys all the time like I use to at her age she will cry over the wrong cup or plate she seem to think only a certain one is hers....she s my hoarder and I worry about her cause my sister cant keep a clean house and hoards things and my mum hoards things but my mum is a perfectionist and has to have new things alot. My daughter is more like my sister than I would like her to be. She hoards the strangest items and will not throw things away even if they get ruined. I have had to deal with 100s of crying fits and refusal behaviour over paper things that feel she has to keep or stones or strange little item that have no meaning to anything she enjoyed or would have memories connected to them. I have lovingly nicnamed her cyclone kira as she can have a clean room one min and walk away for less the hour and its knee deep in things that should be on her bed or in her cupboard or on her selves. I asked her to clean her room last week and instead on cleaning it she made it so much messier but that not really what concerned me as kids often play with toys and make more mess when asked to clean it was the look of compleate confusion on her face the tears and anger and sincerity in her voice when she tried to tell me she was cleaning her room I tryed to get her to explain how taking all her stuffed toys down from where thay had been neatly sitting for a while, could be seen to cleaning as cleaning means to put things away and make the room neater not messier. She cryed for hour all afternoon.

[mum2four]

Originally Posted by exoticflower

PTSD is so hard especially when you are a mom. And that asthma thing, I never heard of that, me and my kids have it the regular kind and that is stressful enough in itself.

Are you in therapy for this?

yes I'm in therapy have been since I was 25y now 31 nearly 32 and still never had a proper job or learnt to drive a car as the fear has more control over than I would like. I've done volenteer work and thats been hard enough to deal with I dont know how anyone copes with working

I never knew asthma could have so fue symptom either the first thing the Dr said when he saw my son at 11mth was "he's what call a happy wezzer" he was struggling to breath but do you think I could make him want to sit still he wanted to run around and play when we got the hospital thay rushed him into emergency and I was so shocked at how many nurses and Dr's and all the equiptment that were using and how fast they were doing everything they kept saying he'll be fine but I it still had not sunk in as to what was really going on it really was not till about week later when he was prety much over his attack that it hit me and fell apart but I must of seemed like a uncaring mum while in the hospital I swear cause I was makeing jokes and laughing I think because I subconciously new it was serious and I was in fright fight or flight. I also really could not beleave that this child who was runing around and smilling and wanting to play could seriously be in resportary distress it not how I thought a child should be acting if thay cant breath. Still to this day if he gets hyperactive its most likly because he's having an asthma attack. He must be backwards like his mum lol I drank a bottle of sleeping medicine when i was very young and went hyper but I still had to have my tummy pumped. I dont remeber that I was told about.

[Sannah]

Hi Mum, I'm sorry you have so many stressors.

Mum,

I think I responded like you when my son was first diagnosed with asthma. I remember that morning well, it was all foggy and he woke us up on Easter morning telling us he saw the Easter bunny (he was 4), it was only 4am. lol Well that night he had a stuffy nose, so I have him some meds to help him breath and sleep. Well when he woke us up, he was so excited and was breathing so hard. I told him to go back to bed and not wake us up till there was at least daylight. But then I got to thinking, and felt something was not right. (that gut instinct), well I counted how fast he was breathing and it was like almost 200 per minute. I called his ped. and when I told her that, she told me to take him to the emergency room. They were backed up and they had a nurse going around kinda assessing who needed help first, he took one look at my son and he got in right away, I guess his rib cage was heaving too high. Then came all the allbuteral stuff and steroids stuff I am sure you are familiar with. He was in the hospital for 2 nights and during that time I educated myself on it, and realized I had some of the same signs! But I remember when my son was in the hosptial, I think it is normal to go into almost a survivor mode, like you get this sense of energy for your kids. But a week later, I crashed and was depressed that my son had this. My daughter had a heart defect that was diagnosed when she was 7, and the same kind of stuff happened with me. I think when we are feeling danger, whether with us or our kids, we go into this survivor mode of caring for them. But when the danger has passed, our emotions come out then, because at the time of crisis, there are other things that need to come first. I too laugh and joke when I am in the flight or fight, I think it is another way of coping.

For me Strattera has helped my attention span when I am in the fright or flight stage of PTSD. They had brain studies recently done and the brain activitiy of a PTSD person is almost identical to one of ADHD. There is very little on the on the net for the use of Strattera to treat PTSD, I had to actually inform my doctor, he thought it made sense to him how it would help, so he prescribed it. IT has been about a month now and I have been better with my memory stuff when it comes to my classes at school. All year I have been struggling to get C's on my exam and would have to go through unrealistic ways to study and remember stuff on the easiest of classes. I was an A student the year before that. After taking Strattera for almost 2 weeks, I noticed a huge difference in the amount i could remember and got an Bplus on my midterm a few weeks ago. (and this was a very hard class too)

I am glad t have met you on here, it helps to know I am not the only one feeling this way.

[anderson]

mum You are doing good for your self by unloading here. know u are loved
keep writing for sharing