Life isn't fair... and I know this.... I do...

I am DID... and due to recent very traumatic events in my life... I have shattered....the hard won integration gone... newly created alters.... alters that took care of me not to be found...my "infra-structure of alters.. unknown to me.. to my T.. to my pdoc"

I saw.. my pdoc today... and he said.. "you won't 'do the unthinkable' " (I subsutited a word there unthinkable).... because you... fight... you have a spirit that always.. fights...

You.. he said.. "have gone thru so very much in your life - and look at you - you are still here... still fighting"

He asked me.. if I was angry " about spending the night with a predator.. listening to every vile thing that he had done to each of his victums"..

and.. I said "no, I am numb - why would I be angry - it isn't anything.. that I have not myself experienced..." and he said " you should be angry for the other people"..

and... I feel like I failed the other people... because I am just numb.. numb... numb......

Yet... I am unbearably sad... so.. so.. so.. sad..

Does.. no one hear.. or anyone care... about me????

I am SCREAMING>>>>yet.. my screams... my terror.. my revulsion.. they do not count..

I do not count.. I am "nothing".. not loved... non-existent... a non-entity..

that is me...

I want that on my gravestone... "non-entity" resides here...

I care. A lot. You really touch my heart and I wish I could take the pain away from you somehow.

(((((freewill)))))

[gimmeice]

((((((((( freewill )))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( freewill )))))))))))))))))

[YCATS]

I hear your screams - i think we're screaming in the same room and thats why we dont hear eachother

[(JD)]

No life isn't "fair." And it's our problem when we think it's supposed to hand us a better plateful than it does others. It's a no win situation that one.

((((freewill))) This is common with DID patients: to have integration and then find that things fall apart for a while, going back to your old "habit" if you will, of using alters to handle the stress and grief and issues in your life. I don't think it will be permanent. You are stronger now than in the past. This is a setback, perhaps, but nothing un-fixable.
It's good to hear your Ts are keeping track of you and caring for you. PC members care too. Do stay safe. After you're done screaming, you'll figure some things out. I believe you will be able to do this.

[lifeblows]

Oh I know, I freaked out really badly last week, was feeling like a major non-entity as you called it. Know exactly what you mean. I was an invisible and imaginary person and that's what I kept saying over and over to myself while I was freaking out. Don't even know if I'm real. I'm a non-existent person.

I gasped when I read the line about the predator, that's awful. I am sooo sorry you had to go through that. Why do we always get dragged back into those situations?

Wanted to tell you to try not to beat yourself up for being numb. I've had similar situations where I feel worse for not feeling things because it makes me feel evil or like I don't care or like I'm one of them. But I think you'll find numbness comes first, the anger will come later. Sometimes we're already too shocked, depressed, distressed, and dejected to even care when something's going on around us that would ordinarily make our blood rage and boil. I think you were stuck back in an ultra-scary situation and what could you do other than go numb out of habit and in an effort to protect yourself.

That is really horrible. Know this won't fix it all, but I'm sending you a handshake instead of a hug. I know a hug would be too scary and intimidating right now. It's meant to have the tenderness of a good hug though.

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by freewill

Life isn't fair... and I know this.... I do...

I do not count.. I am "nothing".. not loved... non-existent... a non-entity..

that is me...

Hi Freewill....

Life itself cares not for justice...it only cares for continuing life. But in being given life you have, like all other living things, been given a fair chance. What life does with that chance is what dictates future life.

It is the way...

Some of us fail miserbly with that chance...there are no more dinosaurs (except in beaurocracies..LOL), and millions of other species. Some of us can't see the writing on the cave wall..or even the wall...

But you have freewill,,and though you have banged into it and upon it...you have seen its message.

You fight on...and with your fight you have carried the flag,,,the flag of freedom from fear and pain..

I have witnessed your plight and as I have had some of my own,,your struggles,,,honestly shared and described, your victories,,humbly expressed and your set backs filled with frustration and tears, are bold displays of courage.

Thank you for your example freewill and that alone makes you a priceless entity.

Please keep going,,,it is hard I know,,but it would be harder for a person with such courage as you to stop...

Humbly,

Lenny