[MINIME]

I thought about posting this or not. I have been told that my work has helped others do their own therapy and given them hope and encouragement. So I want to post about Emdr today in the spirit that my work can still help.
My time has changed for october because my emdr T has a training on our reg time and today was in a diff office. It felt weird.
We started the work on the ER exam after the kidnapping and yucky thing. Its hard to do because all i feel is anger and pain and no words. I cant put it into words. I was just 9 barely nine when it happened. As I write this my heart is beating fast and the pain is coming but Im ok. The only thing that I can say is that I wanted to hurt myself badly. The urge was over whelming and scary. I can remember that feeling when they were holding me down and examining me. I wanted it to stop. I cant tell if the urge to hurt myself is from back then or what I feel now. I wanted to stab myself with a pen. When I was a kid I had these strong urges also. i would also lay down in the street and cover myself up with leaves. I cant put words in the feelings. I have no idea. Its circles and shadows and stuff i cant say. I didnt have the tools then and I dont know how to do it now. I told my T how I felt and she sat by me. I had this little girl urge to throw my arms around her. I just didnt. I think I have a lot to process and work on. I just dont know how. I dont know how to do this. I know that i am in a way because I told my T that I wanted to hug her and it scared me and she hugged me. I just felt over whelmed by this feeling i cant put to words and the urge to hurt myself. The feelings went down and I heard my T saying things like helping stuff and the little part of me felt better. Im not sure if this is how emdr is supposed to work but it seems to help. I cant explain things and I cant say things because there are no words. I can draw them at times and my body shows them. There is no words. But the thing is when they get strong they get big they get scary and then they get calmed down and comforted and heard and thy get less and less. She wrote me a note telling me stuff and I left feeling better. Weird how this works this wordless emotional therapy. I have some words but I cant explain a lot. I am so lucky for having my T's. I remember that I tell my T what i can when we do this and not hide things like the urge to hurt myself and when the feelings are to big I say I need to stop and she sits by me and comforts me by her company and I close my eyes and feel the safety of being cared about and by the presence of another human being who is safe and somehow this heals. I dont know how. I left feeling happy and tired and a bit of body memory pain, but knowing that this pain is telling me to let it have a voice. Knowing that I have my T's there to comfort this nine year old girl makes the pain easier then before. I feel tired but I feel stronger and i feel heard. I am sad and the sad comes and goes but I read the words my T's write for me or I call them and they say gentle things and tears fall if they have to but I cant fight it. I cant judge it and i cant force healing.

((( MINIME )))

I'm sorry I couldn't read your whole post. I got as far as the ER Exam and that's a touchy childhood subject for me as well.

I promise I will come back to this and read it but today was P-doc day and I'm always a little shaken after I see her.

I just wanted you to know I'm here with a hug if you need one.

[Justgiving]

The healing will come at its own time. You will get there because you are working hard on it. You have a lot of courage and mostly a lot of love in your heart.

Much much love to you.

[lifeblows]

I am amazed by your Ts & how they'll utilize different forms and are willing to be flexibile about their methods to do whatever it takes to help you. They always say talk, talk, talk, talking is the only way. But I don't understand how to do that, especially if it's for those trauma-related things we don't have words for. Especially if we were young and didn't even know what the hell was going on or happening to us. Or didn't even know it was bad, we just knew it felt bad, but if it was bad then it wouldn't be happening, right? Really confusing. I'm glad you have Ts who are willing to help you in a variety of ways. Still amazed by your bravery.

[Sannah]

Mini, I am so happy that you are getting such competent help right now. You are doing such a good job of getting better.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( MINIME ))))))))))))))))

[MINIME]

Thanks guys for the support. It is hard work and it is painful. I get encouragement when people get hope from this. I know that my T's are very special. I got lucky this time. It wasnt always that way. I had a trauma group and a reg therapist before. Not so good. But then again I wasnt open and ready to do this work. I am also lucky to have all you guys here. Yesterday i was trying to get on the other side of the freeway during a very busy rush hour traffic hour. I turned my blinker on and sighed because I knew that it would be hard if any one would let me over or not. To my suprise the next driver in the next lane let me over I was like ok and then right after i got over the other driver let me in and then the same thing happened all the way over 5 lanes I think. I was like weird. I felt like you guys were all on the freeway and I thought of you. ((HUG))

[Sannah]

Mini, when people act from love and not anger and whatever people respond in kind......

[MINIME]

((sannah)) you so rock. I called my reg T today and told her she was going to take the nine year old home tonight. I need a break from the nightmeres and pain and I need to feel big. LOL So she will call me tomarrow and drop her off we drop her off by the phone . LOL My T's are good.

[Sannah]

That is too cool Mini!

[PleaseHelp]

I am glad to hear that EMDR is working for you.

I am in the beginning stages of starting it. I feel very drained after a session.

Keep up the good work.