[catatonicmania]

I have PTSD due to molestation from my mom's boyfriend ever since I can remember until I was 16. I took him to court after they sent me to therapy for cutting myself.

Anyway...My mom basically lead on like I was a liar and she was there.
she knew what was going on. She still lives with him to this day.

A therapist I used to see said to help me heal I will need to forgive my mother. Do I need to forgive her?

But who is going to be there for my milestones in life like marriage, child birth, death, anything??

[phoenix7]

First Im sorry you had to go through that - and that your mother didnt support you - I am sorry that when she should have protected you she didnt - some people are toxic and we can lead better lives without them - but thats your decision -

forgiveness - thats a hard question - I have forgiven my brother for the SA - but I havnt been able to forgive the guy who attacked me - its not in my heart to do so im afraid I have said the words... but I didnt mean them - maybe some day I think if it feels right to fogrive then do it - I understand why the guy attacked me - but I dont know if I will ever forgive him

and who will be there for your milestones hopefully the family you make for yourself and your friends - i think I may sound harsh - I dont mean to be - I think you need to take care of yourself and let yourself heal and live the life you deserve to live - happy and free

[catatonicmania]

you probably are right in the sense that that relationship could be toxic. It's just hard when people talk about their families and I dont have anything near the relationship that they have. it just hurts... you know.

[Junerain]

In what other ways has your mother hurt you(not that you need ANYTHING else!!!.........)...

How has she been in your day to day life, supportive, or someone that just hurts every time you deal with her?

It IS possible to build a life around your friends, I know, I have relied on friends and no longer my mother

[lynn P.]

Hi,
I'm very sorry to hear what you went through . I commend you for having the courage to stand up and take him to court. I'm a mom and I can't imagine not sticking up for my daughter. It I was in her shoes I swear I would have killed him. I think the fact that your mother didn't support you proves that she is somehow a mentally sick person.
Forgiveness is a tricky emotion and difficult to do sometimes. If you never forgive her - no one would blame you. I think what the therapists was getting at was that forgiveness would lift the burden from you. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves and it doesn't mean we condone the wrong doer. If she is remorseful about how she acted , then I would say yes - forgive her. But she is still living with him so I don't think that's the case. Maybe one day she'll regret how she acted or should I say "didn't act".
I just wouldn't worry about it and instead form other attachments to other family members and friends. They can support you through the miles stones. No matter what you did the right thing. Take care and don't let them ruin your life. You're obviously a fighter and a survivor so I think you're gonna do fine.

[(JD)]

One does not have to forgive unless the other requests forgiveness.

However, you might wish to reframe what it is you are forgiving her for... and that might help you find something to forgive? If she denies you were harmed, then no, you can't forgive her for not validating the truth. You might forgive her for her ignorance, or some other negative trait she has. See what I mean?



It does no good to say you forgive, because you want to take the higher road, or because you feel it will help you heal, if you can't embrace it. Find another word to apply to the situation, that will help you heal ..in case you really can't forgive.

hmmmm...forgive my abusers?????

that is a tough one. politically correct me says..."ah yes, but of course i will."

honest me says.."no i probably will not."

my parents did some horriffic things to me. many times. damned near killed me. many times. did some lasting damage. many times (oops sorry got in a rut there) i'll be struggling for the rest of my life to fix and cope with.

they were adults. yeah obviously damaged sick evil adults...but adults, and they should have known better. granted maybe in some of their twisted logic maybe they were unsure but many of their actions were so far over the cruel edge that there was no doubt.

i will cut my mother a little more slack than my father since she came from an abusive background as well...but still i do in no way condone the acts she did to me or my sister. sometimes you need to stand up and for your children if not yourself. she did neither.

do i hate them? no. because that would give them power still over me. iw ould be tying up my energy and emotion on them, and i choose to use it in a more positive ffashion.

so...while i will not forgive them...i will not let their action go unheard either. i chose to be vocal about the abuse instead. for me forgiveness=tolerance...BUT THAT IS JUST ME and i am pig headed.

personally this is something that each individual has to decide. it is what is right for you and what you can live with and be comfortable with.

[catatonicmania]

Originally Posted by stumpy

do i hate them? no. because that would give them power still over me. i would be tying up my energy and emotion on them, and i choose to use it in a more positive fashion.

so...while i will not forgive them...i will not let their action go unheard either. i chose to be vocal about the abuse instead. for me forgiveness=tolerance...BUT THAT IS JUST ME and i am pig headed.

I like your way of thinking. All the energy I spend thinking of what has happened is giving them power over me. Maybe tolerance enough to close my mind on the situation will free me from this decision. Which I always thought I needed to make. Thank you. I think this helped.