[CaptainRubyHeart]

Hello, everyone. I'm new to these forums. I signed up about five minutes ago after learning that something like this existed. I have had a hellish two weeks and am struggling to make it through...

Here is my story:

Back in February (2009), some creep broke into my house at 3 AM. My husband was asleep downstairs on the couch (he had fallen asleep watching TV or surfing the internet or something), and I was up in our bedroom alone. This creep (who was very drunk) ended up in our bedroom and tried to sexually assault me. He stuck his disgusting, tequila-coated tongue down my throat and pulled my pajama pants and underwear down. I immediately bolted out of bed and saw him standing right there next to me, completely naked. I'd never seen him before in my life.

I screamed at him, "Who are you and what do you think you're doing?" He froze and said nothing. He pulled his shorts back on and started moving toward the door. "NO," I screamed at him, and I clamped my hand on his shoulder, "Answer me! How did you get in here?" I was practically foaming at the mouth at this point, I was so angry at him. He finally stumbled and spoke to me and started answering my questions (surprisingly). Apparently, the door had been unlocked. He told me he lived down the street. He begged me to let him go. "I'm married," he said, "Please, think of my wife!"

"You stay your *** right there!" I screamed. I carefully walked to the bedroom door and unlocked it (he had locked it). I peeked my head out and called for my husband, who woke up and came upstairs. I also knocked on the door down the hall (we have a male friend living with us) and woke him up. When the guys were gathered and at my bedroom door, I explained to them, "This guy was trying to rape me. What should we do with him?" They were all silent. Finally, my friend said, "Call the cops."

"NO!" the creep shouted, and he started struggling to get past me. I blocked him and wrestled with him for a moment, but he managed to get past me (I'm not very strong). My husband chased him down the stairs and as he was trying to slip through the front door, my husband slammed the door on him. Hard. And kept him pressed between it. Meanwhile, our friend called the police. The creep actually did manage to eventually slip through the door, and my husband followed him at a distance and watched where he went. About that time, the police came and started asking questions. My husband led one of the detectives to the house he saw the creep running off to. Basically, the police went into the house and dragged the creep out. Asked me if that was the guy, and I said yes. They arrested him on the spot, and he is now in jail awaiting trial.

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It's been three months and I thought I was emotionally OK. In fact, I was even a little bit of a local celebrity shortly after this happened, what with my being able to defend myself and getting this piece of garbage off the streets. I did have some fairly minor problems at first (e.g., I made my husband walk me everywhere, even from the front door to my car), but I eventually decided I was just going to get on with my life.

Then something happened two weeks ago that changed me. My husband left to go see his family and friends in Canada for three weeks. Right before he left, I begged and pleaded with him not to go, although I was not sure why I was so affected by his leaving . Ever since he left, I have had a TON of trouble sleeping, and I keep thinking about that creep coming into my house again. I keep the bedroom door locked now. I am so terrified of being alone, and I hate with every fiber of my being the fact that my husband is gone...

I have tried telling my husband this every day I talk to him from Canada. I break down and cry all the time. I admitted to my husband how scared I am, especially at night, and how badly I need him during this time, and that I'm so angry he's not been here for me because I wasn't ready to be left alone.

He thinks I am being completely ridiculous. He wants me to "get over it" and thinks that I'm "milking" the situation just to get attention from him. He tells me that he doesn't see why I'm so freaked out because "nothing happened to you." He thinks I just need to stick it out for another week, which to him "isn't a big deal," but to me, is a nightmare--the insomnia and terror is overwhelming. I asked him to please try to be understanding because I'm in a really bad place emotionally right now. He said if I'm looking for sympathy, to go talk to a therapist instead of him because he has no sympathy for me. I've been crying all day because of that reaction.

Our marriage is falling apart. I am so torn up inside and don't know what to do anymore. I drove over to my mom's house tonight to try to spend some time with her, and that helped me feel a lot better...

But eventually, I'm going to have to return to my own house, my own life, and have to deal with my own husband and his lack of understanding of this situation...

What in the world should I do? I am so downtrodden and exhausted. And so scared and p***** off that I may lose my husband, the most important person to me, all thanks to this ****** who broke into my house and tried to assault me.

[sillyfish]

Wow. You've been through a really traumatic situation. I'm glad you shared your story and i hope things go well for you.

You can't expect to recover overnight, and no one should try to push you into getting over it any faster than you do all on your own. It may take a very long time.

It sounds to me like everyone around you is cheering you on for being a hero, and you were! but what they aren't noticing is that you were also a victim. You were traumatized, and its ok to need time to recover from that. (I know you already know this stuff, but its good to hear it again anyway i think)

My best advice is to read up on healthy communication. Finding new ways to talk to your husband about how you feel, and about how he feels is the very best thing you could do for your marriage I think. You'd be surprised how effective communicating can be in a relationship that feels broken, if you just try it from a different angle. Maybe write him a letter? It wont fix the problem but it might open the door to recovery in your relationship.

As a final note, dont lose hope. Things WILL get better, one way or another. After all, your on this forum which means your trying to heal. Your in my prayers, and i hope things go smoothly for you.

[(JD)]

Unfortunately few relatives understand. You need to see a psychologist who has training in PTSD. The sooner, the better. PTSD doesn't heal itself.
Do your best to take safety precautions, as you appear to be doing....

[darkrunner]

Hi CaptainRubyHeart, and Welcome,
I'm sorry for what you went through. Just because you were not physically raped, doesn't mean that the situation wasn't traumatic.

You are traumatized. And that is perfectly normal.

It sounds like you need to seek some help with a therapist, or rape crisis center, or support group.

Your husband probably just doesn't understand what effect such an experience can have on a person. It isn't his fault, but it sounds like he needs to learn a bit more about the effects such a trauma can have.
Marriage counseling may be helpful.

I know this might seem overwhelming. But please be patient with yourself. A T once told me that when you go through a trauma it is like there is a flood, and as you process and deal with the trauma the floodwaters gradually recede, and you can start picking up the pieces.
Take good care of yourself.....

[bearchic34]

I have no words of wisdom for you but wanted to give you a ~gentle hug~ and just say be gentle with yourself. Your emotions seem totally natural to me, I agree you need to see a therapist ASAP to help you through this time. I'm sorry your husband is being less than understanding....He needs to realize what a serious issue this is. Maybe some literature from a rape crisis center will help both of you...

[phoenix7]

I am so sorry this happened to you - and yes something happened - your husband is wrong there - its hard for him to understand -

Im sorry he went away - Im glad you are staying at your mums place and agree that a psychologist or therapist would be able to help you through this and that you do need and deserve help.

Please think about looking into a therapist - PTSD is a very hard thing to get over and a T canreally help you.

Come here and post as often as you need to we are here to support each other and to help with information where we can.

P7 sending safe hugs if its ok