[sugahorse1]

I know what everyone always says, but really, I'm not seeing the point. I still cycle. Last week I was so low I had no idea what to do with myself. I was meant to be hospitalized. At the moment I'm pretty stable.
That makes no sense to me. My tabs haven't been changed!?!
It seems like a waste of time, money and effort

You haven't been on these meds all that long, have you? Seems like you've been off and on them kind of irregularly (or do I have you confused with someone else; if I do, I apologize). You are on a waiting listing for inpatient hospitalization because you have been so unstable lately (really for quite a long time now). You are NOT stable. A couple of days does not mean you are stable. This just kind of sounds self-destructive. As soon as a bed opens up, you need to go inpatient and allow the doctors to really work on your meds and getting you truly stabilized. In the meantime, keep taking your meds as prescribed. Stay away from overdoing the benzos. Stay off the alcohol. Keep in touch with your therapist.

[sugahorse1]

I've been on these meds in these dosages for about 3 months. Before that, I have been on these meds for about a year, but on lower dosages.
Gee - I hate this eternal battle.

[venusss]

You may never be truly "stable". That doesn't mean you will not be able to handle it. But I don't feel like repeating what I said before.

Get your **** together. Work on dealing with the bumps rather then numbing yourself with in the end is a downer and will screw up with your moods even worse.

also... when going on meds... you either take them as you should, or not at all. On and off will screw up with your chemistry even further.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks Venus. I think I'm very confused and not sure what my motive is...

You just want to feel better and are grasping at straws right now. Hang in there as you wait for that hospital admission. It will come. Try to be consistent with your meds and your self-care until then, and please don't do any more playing with meds/substances of any kind without consulting your doctor first. You are just not doing yourself any favors that way.

[ECHOES]

If I remember correctly, you don't see your therapist often. I think it might help to see your therapist more frequently.

It is always up to you whether to take meds or not. The reasons you give are the reasons I stopped taking meds. I stayed off for a long time, then recently tried again to see what the effects would be after a few years of therapy. The effects were the same as you describe. For me, I decided to discontinue, and take this as meaning I have more work to do in therapy.

It is understandable to want to feel better, and as soon as possible.

[sugahorse1]

I see my T weekly, but have only recently started again.
Yes, I hate the bad days. I do just want to feel better. I hate being ok for a few days, then having panic attacks for a few days, or being very aggressive, then very depressed. Just all over the place.

[Yoda]

If you are going to make major changes to your meds like stopping all that you currently take and start others you probably would be best to do so in hospital. I've done that a couple times and the daily assessment by the pdoc made it easier to fine tune my meds.

[sugahorse1]

Aaaaaahhhh - I am just so confused and all over the place. Even doubting my diagnosis at the moment.
I was on 300mg Wellbutrin XL and 500mg Sodium Valproate in the AM, and 800mg Sodium Valproate in the PM

I think I need to do this for myself, because I am doubting myself