my attempt

I was diagnosed with PTSD, major depressive disorder, anti social disorder, anxiety disorder, and hypothyroidism. So, I was on Zoloft, Levothyroxine, and the depo-vera shot. For the last four or five weeks I have not had any of them. It was an accident, I know not to stop taking with out tapering off. But, I was very busy trying to move and the bottle with the refill number on it got lost or packed. After the first week went by with very little with drawls, I decided it wasn't a big hurry to get them refilled. Week two same thing and I was thinking more clearly, I wasn't having anxiety attacks. The constant wish that I would just die, just faded away. The only reason that I am here typing to....well, any one that will listen, is because of my daughters. I have worked in the mental health world and I have dealt with my own mental illness since I was a teen.

The last couple of days I have felt it creeping in. I don't want it to come back. I just want to find out how to fight it with out medications. I currently use pot, to help with my anxiety and that has show to work the best. The medications intensified my paranoia I didn't realize that until I had been off of the meds for a couple of weeks and the extreme paranoia faded out. I still have some paranoid thoughts but, not even close to the way it was before. I can walk through a store with out the little voice telling me that everyone is judging me. I have started to go out to restaurants for dinner, by myself and was completely comfortable. I really like this new freedom in my head. But, I am scared that it comes with a price.

I wish that I could be like everyone else sometimes. And just live my life and not worry about all the children being sexually abused and animals being tortured. But, I CAN'T!!! I can't live each day without the constant reminder that our planet is being destroyed in every possible way. And us humans are the ones doing it. But, too many people care to much about themselves and their material things. Not caring that an infant is being raped in Africa because the man doing it has AIDS and was told by his medicine doctor that raping a virgin is the only cure. So, good luck to those little girls, just for being virgins. Or the elephants that poachers are killing just for their tusks. But, why should anyone else care as long as they get the newest and latest of everything.

But, I am the one that is considered mentally ill. Because, I think beyond myself and my life. I am a very ethical and moral person, and would die for what I know it rights. There don't seem to be that many people left. I don't know what I can do to change these things among many others. But, if I could, I would give my life to change the world. I am not a believer of god. I can not believe that someone such as god could let the sick things to happen to the people that least deserve it, let alone what it does to the victims. I just want some answers. Why aren't there more people out there that see the things that I see in this world and care or want to change it for the better? And if there are people that feel like this too, where are they? I feel so alone in the things that I feel so strongly about. That is where the depression started to seep in. I have so much to give and help that it physically hurts my heart. I can't go on like this for much longer, I need to find a way to channel these feelings before they pull me down.

People just say don't watch the news it's depressing. But, ignoring it doesn't make it better it only makes that person feel better not having to think about such horrible things. If people paid more attention to other people then maybe we would have kids shooting up schools. This bully thing isn't new, it just went ignored for so long that now that is the only way kids feel they can get our attentions to see what is happening to them. But, no one wants to look until it is too late, then they want to point their fingers at everyone else. I get very angry at stupid people. Frustrated that it could be changed but no one cares to do anything. I see all the post on facebook about some of the issues I have mentioned above. It's only lip service, people ranting about what they feel or believe. Put your money where your mouth is, I am willing. I just don't know how to do it. I guess that is one of the reasons I am here right now. What is it going to take to get people to make a change????? How do I do it???? These things among others rattle in my head 24/7 for 365. I can't make it stop, it haunts me to the point that I don't sleep, eat, and I just sob for humanity. Why, does it have to be me. Why is it my brain that works like this????? HELP ME I want to save the world and I can't do it on my own.

Hi, Tigerluv. I'm so sorry you can't shut your mind off long enough to get some relief from your worry. I am on of those that cannot watch the news. It drives me insane and I already have enough issues playing merry-go-round in my head. You're right it doesn't help things to bury your head in the sand, but I at least attempt to keep my sanity somewhat controled.

I hope you continue to do well off the meds. I can't do without them myself. Sure wish I could.

Thanks for the post.

I understand how you feel when you see or hear about all the injustices in the world. Do you do volunteer work for an organization? I know with everything happening, it may not seem like much, but I do remember something that makes me believe that it matters:

Do you ever remember hearing the story of a guy walking along a beach, watching another one throwing starfish that had washed up on shore back into the ocean. There were hundreds of starfish. And the one guy says to the other one that's doing it something like "why bother, what you're doing couldn't possibly matter, you can't save them all". And god person doing it tossed another starfish in god ocean and said "it mattered to that one".

Hope it's a close enough rendition of the story to help. Take care.