[Canne79]

Hello everyone, I am new here. I am 33 yrs old and have 2 children. I work as a nurse nearly full time and am divorced, raising my kids on my own.
I live in Germany.
So, to try and make my long story a little shorter, I slipped into a major depression back in 2008. I was still married at the time and very unhappy. It started with severe panic attacks and psychosomatic symptoms. After 2 weeks in the hospital I was released since my "body" was healthy. After arriving home I slipped away into what I will call "hell".I have always been a very positive, caring and loving person in life. Loving my children, loving life and the ppl around me. Suddenly within a blink of an eye, it was all gone. I started having irrational thoughts, like harming myself or my babies. And those thoughts made it even worse because I was obsessing over something I would never do! Finally a doctor and my family convinced me to try Prozac 20mg. I refused but got worse and then I started taking the meds. One day I woke up and I felt like myself again. I went to therapy and continued taking Prozac daily. I freed myself from my failing marriage, got a new job and moved out. Then I met a wonderful man I feel in love with and we've been together for 1 year and a half. Everything was going well. So, a few months ago I felt so in control of my life that I decided to wean myself off of Prozac. I started to slowly wean myself off and 5 weeks ago took my last pill. 4 weeks later, to my despair my obsessive irrational thoughts returned and so did my depression. It is not as bad now as it was back then but it's back. I feel terrible now because I really thought I can cope without and my "mental illness" was cured. What a disappointment to realize that is not the case. All the good feelings about other people, life and my self esteem suddenly vanished again . I decided, for the sake of my children that I will go back on the meds. I started yesterday with Prozac 10mg. I still feel down but I can get up, go to work and pretty much do all my daily activities but now I am dealing with the disappointment of not being able to handle my mental state without this drug. How can I get over this guilt of restarting my meds and accepting that I have a chronic form of depression. I have been going through feelings of being "bad" and "weak". Even my boyfriend, whom I love so much, couldn't make me feel joyful. I have to add that we only see each other once a week. The "dark thoughts" make me feel horrible. I can control them better now but maybe it's the meds kicking in. I feel like I have failed but I also know it's my depression talking. Has anyone else ever tried to quit their medication? If so, what was your experience?? Love and Strength to all

[sewerrats]

you made the classic mistake, i have myself any many before you. you gave up a med that was working because you thought you didnt need it. Then bang out of nowhere you back in even deeper , Never ever give up something that is working , leave well alone. Lots of people take meds all there life for some illness or what so why the big upset at a AD. NOW if like me your prozac wont work again second time around, it may it may not, but if not move on to another ssri seeing they help, like sertraline or lexapro , you can straight tapper if prozac fails so no start up effects to worry about. And when you get back on track stay on your med, because if you had depression a couple of time ,you will get it again.

I realize this is an old thread but am posting for anyone who checks in in the future. I did the classic "I can do it without the meds" mistake too and quit Prozac after only two months of taking it because I was doing so well. Depression did return, yes, it was much less intense than before and I could function but it was back and I too felt awkward, thinking with all the effort I was putting into working on myself I should be seeing some permanent improvement. Some of us are very prone to depression, mine keeps recurring and this time it got so bad I agreed to be medicated for as long as it takes. I owe it to myself and the people close to me. Depression is caused by a mixture of so many things sometimes (even if it looks like it came out of nowhere) and the human psyche runs so deep that it's understandable healing could take a very long time. Take your meds dear, you deserve to enjoy yourself, your relationship and your little ones. You're not in any way to blame for not having gotten better in "such-and-such" amount of time. Healing takes as long as it takes and we all need some form of help when times are that hard. I hope you have gotten better since you posted this and I hope anyone viewing these forum posts will have an easier time making the decision to stick to their medication. It's not being weak if you need it, it's doing the responsible thing to heal and function and embrace life. Best wishes and hugs, there's something that can help every one of us, don't stop trying