Therapy or no meds?

My Dr., who has met with me all of 5 times maybe..over the course of a year and a half has told me that I can no longer receive meds from him unless I am in therapy. I have a very long history of depression, lengthy hospitalizations when I was a teen(appr. 1 yr) taken the worst meds in the beginning(thorazine, hadol etc.those were the only ones available 30 yrs ago) along with ECT. But was med free for awhile after that.. ..then I began the cycle of getting depressed, becoming suicidal and scared..going to the Dr. getting an anti-depressant maybe a little therapy, but frankly with my past history it never was a big question that I did need the meds. When I felt better I would stop the meds and go on my way. As you probably know the stigma of mental illness has been great in the past and even today is prevelant..but that is another topic. But I also thought I just had a character flaw that if I needed meds it was only because I was a weak person . .so that cycle went on for years. I tried so hard to hold it all together and be the best mom but unfortunately, the youngest of my 4 children also was afflicted with this awful illness at approximately the same age I became ill. After that I found out that what I had was a biological illness and that I NEEDED to take meds so I did. For almost 10 years I have been med compliant only switching meds when I have topped out on a dose...I have done that only twice ..I do require a fairly high dose in the beginning but I am sure that problem is because of my past cycling. About 5 yrs ago a anti-psychotic was added because of my suicidal thoughts. I admit I have adjusted that med on my own because of the intense fatigue I feel on the whole amt. I also recieved therapy both for me and to deal with my duaghter's illness. All this over almost ten years...I do not like to change meds...I hate feeling like I am making too big a deal out of things..maybe I don't need an increase...etc I tend to wait a bit too long because it is hard for me to ask for help. . But I am trying to be more proactive. ..I have tried to stay on top of what I am feeling, I have been in therapy etc. But now I am in such a financial bind. I owe money to the counseling office..I have spent many, many , MANY thousands of dollars on therapy and medications for us. But I did it...I made sure that my daughter got the best care. I TRIED! Now this new Doctor said he will not prescribe for me unless I am in therapy.. .. All those bad feelings are back...I am weak, it is a character flaw, my daughter is sick because of me and my awful parenting. All the good I have accomplished is gone. I asked him why therapy was important if I had a biological illness and needed meds. He said that it would address the biological illness but that he was not going to discuss it further and he was going to document that I was not agreeing to his terms. I walked out. Now I don't know what to do...I am sinking again, I have been on the same meds for 5 yrs, I have done EVERYTHING that people have asked of me, I asked for help!!!!....I can not afford anymore therapy...even if I wanted it....what else can I do...I feel like I am bad again....I didn't want a narcotic...just a new stinking anti-depressant. I currently take two along with an anti-psychotic for those features in my depression.. . Sorry so long...but are or have any of you been in the same place. Is mental illness biological...or am I just a major problem. I have never changed drs. This new one is because my old one no longer practices with this group. I hate change!!!! Am I bad...is this an "illness"? Help

hi, daisy. i'm sorry that the new dr treated you so. you're not a bad mother because your child has the same medical problem that you have. i firmly believe in therapy.

Are you in the US? if so, almost every community has what's called a community health center. they work according to income. if no money...no fee. if little money, little fee. i hope that's an option for you an your daughter there? if you have insurance, alot of the accept as payment in full what your insurance pays.

you can call your county services and see if one is offered. i have good insurance and could go anywhere that i want to go to see a therapist, but i feel i've found the best one in the world here at my CMH.

gl and let us know. you need your meds. i hope you can get the therapy to attain that.

be safe,

kd