i just swallowed my very first depakote for a dx'd bipolar disorder. by doing this i am admitting that i have a problem and i need help. i hope this a step closer to feeling better.

[nothemama8]

Sweetie there is no shame in being Bi-polar only in knowing and not doing the best for yourself, you are a very strong lady and Im glad to be in the Bi-polar club with you
Angie

[gardenergirl]

Good for you. What a big step.

Take care,
gg

[CamW]

Congrats 'locks - If you get stomach upset, take it with food. This should minimize any nausea/indigestion. This side effect does go away as your body adjusts to the drug, usually within a week or so. Then again, most people experience no tummy problems with Depakoteª (divalproex or Epivalª), so I need not have posted this.

- Cam

nope no stomach upset yet... im just deathly afraid of liver failure. keep your fingers crossed for me?!

[nothemama8]

Sweetie , just get the routine blood work and you should be fine

[dasiy6]

Good job! Please don't worry...my daughter was on depakote for years because of a seizure disorder. You will get blood work regularly and you will do great. ..

Acknowledging a problem is a big step, getting help is a real leap and getting and continuing treatment is like running a marathon....are you tired yet! Just keep going and it will all work out!

Good for you!!!

[SpazKatt]

*claps* it's a step forward I'm proud! *hugs*

DISCLAIMER: due to the graphic nature of this post, viewer discretion is advised. i also apologize in advance for my rudeness.... please beware of manic *****es.

ya, i have been taking this depakote as prescribed... its been 3 days now.
just for the record, all the meds i take are prescribed, and i always follow the directions. is it so bad that i visit a different doctor every time in order to get the maximum amount and variety of meds possible?! i dont even see a psychiatrist, but i still have more psych meds from doctor hopping than any crazy person i know. so frankly it is %#@&#! hard to just take only one god damn med every freakin day!

i just feel like venting so here i go...
the depakote is making me very tired. i want to sleep all day but i cant cuz i have to work. i drive an hour and a half to get to work in the morning and its hard to avoid intentionally driving into the center divider. yes i said INTENTIONALLY. did i stu stu stutter?

the sky is pretty and all that wonderful %#@&#! but i do not feel normal. i am even *****yer than ever and would seriously love to hurt someone right now.
i know what youre gonna say, "can you talk to your therapist..." I DONT HAVE A THERAPIST!!! so no, i cant.

is depakote supposed to aggravate my mania?
well if that is the case why should i take it at all?? i flushed the first bottle of depakote down the toilet! okay fine, i swallowed the whole bottle and then barfed it up one minute later, but same thing right?? it was only 28 pills. lmao...
so i ordered a refill on the phone. its automated. thats way too easy. thats how ive been flyin under the radar this whole past year and still getting whatever med i want. those doctors are retarded. well, it is Kaiser so what do you expect?
so here i am, trying to stick with it. self medication without medical supervision is a problem, i know that.
what do you expect from me? you expect a bipolar to make good decisions?? hahaha.
%#@&#! you.

[darkeyes]

Acceptance, is the begining of one's progress, without this step, the rest can be rougher than they have to.
I say this from my own personal experience with this disorder, when I didn't want to admit to myself, a few years ago, that I did need some mood stabilization, etc.
Procrastinating, robbed me of time that I could have started the "healing process" sooner.
Well, I had finally opted for help, and I am here today, a few years ago, I never dreamed I get this far, the depressive episode was horrible.
I wish you lots of luck and I am happy to hear you facing this and going with treatment, it is all key to positive outcome, keep in mind to have patience with medication trials, don't be discouraged from going forth.
Take good care now,

DE

[MacD]

just keep on trying....i have a wonderful neighbor who is bi polar and she told me that it was a "not too pleasant " process of finding the right balance of meds for her. but once she did achieve the balance she needed, her quality of life soared. hang in there!

[Larry_Hoover]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i flushed the first bottle of depakote down the toilet! okay fine, i swallowed the whole bottle and then barfed it up one minute later, but same thing right?? it was only 28 pills. lmao...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'm sorry, but I see nothing funny in what you describe. It's actually quite upsetting to read this. And now I don't know what to say, other than I hope you have the courage to describe your behaviour to your prescribing physician.

Lar

[kimmydawn]

ok, CCL, i won't ask if you can talk to your therapist. i will ask you get please try to get one, and would hope that you don't take it badly. you do need someone to talk to about these behaviors and thoughts. also, you need to tell your main MD about your dr shopping and the meds your on, etc. the depakote could be interacting with another med or something, and he wouldn't know of course, because he doesn't know about the others meds you're taking. i hope you consider this. i know someone who did this and the outcome was poor

i wish you well and safe,

kd

thank you for your concern everyone...
i think im just gonna quit meds though. they dont completely work... i dont want to wait either.
cuz no matter how doped up on meds i am, life is still too stressfull.
i cant stand the drive to and from work, i hate my job,...
between working full time and attending college, i dont have time to breathe!
its so hard to keep up with everything, and i kill myself everyday to do it, all the housework in itself can be overwhelming!
so %#@&amp;#! it. nothings ever gonna get better for me, so taking the meds is a pathetic waste of time and causes pointless liver damage with no benefit whatsoever.
what i really need is more hours in a day. who the hell came up with this measly 24 hours anyway?!!

[nothemama8]

Candycottonlock's, a quiter never wins and from what I've seen You my dear are a winner, give it a little longer all things worth while are worth waiting for
Angie

[darkeyes]

Then I guess, you do not plan on giving something a try that can help you, that is sad, believe me do not give up, this sounds like what you are doing, sure it is rough, and the stresses you have daily are not unusual for all of us on this earth.
Maybe, learning new coping skills with therapy may be the answer, and maybe a different med may help you get on track.
I understand right now, how you feel, I've been there and even worse, when I finally accepted stuff, I worked with my pdoc and therapist, I stopped working against them, cause that got me no where.
If you want things to improve in your life, you need to make one step forward, then all postive things will follow, the road to good outcome, can be brutal, steal you of emotion, keep trodding on, you'll make it

If a person keeps convincing themselves that things aren't going to get better, they waste all their engergies being unproductive, whilst seeking therapy one can change this cycle and move forward. . . it's up to you.
I wish you lots of luck during this difficult time, just wish you'd reconsider getting professional help.

Take care now,
DE

tryin it again. day 1 of 2nd attempt at depakote.

*sighs*
nevermind... no more of this. no more pills.
i cant do this anymore.

*sigh*
day 2 of this lame med attempt.
im so trying....
......no promises though.

[vacantangel]

Sweetie, I'm sorry that you are going through such a rough time. Maybe I missed something, but I don't understand why you are going to separate doctors for each of your meds. Is it that you are having a hard time accepting your diagnosis?

As someone else already said, because each doctor doesn't know what you're taking from the other doctors, then they each would not be aware of possible drug interactions.

My advice to you, given lovingly and with great care for you, is that you should find a pdoc and get all your meds from that one pdoc. Then he/she could better treat you to help you feel better. Also, I agree with another thing that someone also said, and that is to find yourself a therapist to talk things out with.

I've tried Depakote before and I was on it for about 2 years. Yes, I did have some side effects, heck is there any of these psych meds that don't come with side effects, but why don't you try to really persevere with it. It is going to take some time, weeks, for it to start working and maybe you'll need to even increase the dosage, of course a decision made with your pdoc, not on your own, in order for you to reach a dosage that works for you. I'm assuming you're on 500mg? Everybody is different, but for me, it did absolutely nothing for my ultra rapid cycling until I was stabilized on 1500mg daily. For you it could be less.

As for the feelings that you are experiencing while taking the Depakote, I'm assuming that you weren't like that before, you should call your prescribing physician and tell him/her what is going on. What you are experiencing is obviously not what the med should be doing for you. Also, taking it sporadically IMHO is not going to be very good either, as I said, it needs to build up in your system before you feel better from it. I would think that you are probably delaying that process, but hey, I'm not a doctor. Please discuss these problems with your doctor and get all your meds from one place.

Are you taking an AD at the same time, that could trigger manic episodes. I think it is imperative that you get one doctor and that it be a pdoc for all of your meds.

I just think you could be doing much better if you did this. Of course, this is just my opinion and you may take it or ignore it, it's your decision to make but why not do everything that you can do to help yourself feel better than you do now?

I also had a very difficult time coming to grips with the fact that I'm BP and that I will be for the rest of my life. I didn't plan for my life to go in this direction and I know you didn't either but it is what it is and you can fight it all you want but unfortunately sweetie, that doesn't make it go away. I wish it could.

As far as you being nervous about liver problems associated with the Depakote, as someone already said, get the routine drug tests done and you will be fine.

I hope that you receive my advice with the love with which it is given to you. I do so worry about you and I know your anquish, I was once in your shoes but I've come to accept that this is the way that life is going to be for me, but I'm doing far better now on a mood stabilizer than I ever was without. There simply is no comparison, at least for me. Sure I still rapid cycle but not to the intensity that I did before and not near as often.

I hope that you don't mind me sending you hugs and prayers to the man upstairs. Please take care of yourself. I care about you and I'm sure there are lots of people who also do.

{{{{{{{{{{{cottoncandylocks}}}}}}}}}}}

thanks angelgirl, for taking the time to reply....
unfortunately last night i got drunk and literally threw the depakote out the window. my alter moods like to sabotoge me...
i am not on any AD's .. i stopped taking all that stuff a while ago, cuz i was hoping i would spontaneously get better just like sometimes i spontaneously get manic.

i have self medicated with other peoples prescriptions, and i have dr hopped to get various meds, in an attempt to self-treat this bipolar disorder in secret.
but these episodes are getting worse and worse...
psychosis now accompanies the mania, and the depression gets very suicidal...
i am just trying to wait this out, and i will be seeing a psychologist on thursday...
i flushed most of my various meds (there were a lot and none of them really helped)
so i plan to start this all from scratch on thursday...
hopefully thursday's mood will not disagree.

[vacantangel]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
thanks angelgirl, for taking the time to reply....
unfortunately last night i got drunk and literally threw the depakote out the window. my alter moods like to sabotoge me...
i am not on any AD's .. i stopped taking all that stuff a while ago, cuz i was hoping i would spontaneously get better just like sometimes i spontaneously get manic.

i have self medicated with other peoples prescriptions, and i have dr hopped to get various meds, in an attempt to self-treat this bipolar disorder in secret.
but these episodes are getting worse and worse...
psychosis now accompanies the mania, and the depression gets very suicidal...
i am just trying to wait this out, and i will be seeing a psychologist on thursday...
i flushed most of my various meds (there were a lot and none of them really helped)
so i plan to start this all from scratch on thursday...
hopefully thursday's mood will not disagree.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

ccl

Did you really "literally" throw the pills out the window? I really hope you didn't mean *literally*. That would concern me to as who would find those pills and take them and the effect it would have on them. Please, if you're not going to take them, don't dispose of them in a way that someone else could get a hold of them.

I'm glad that you're going to a psychologist. That's a very big and good step. I hope that you carry through with it, come Thursday. BUT in addition to that, you do need a pdoc. A psychologist can not rx you meds. Only a medical dr can do that. Maybe the T you go to can suggest somebody for you. I see you fighting this with all you've got and I certainly understand that. It makes you mad to be saddled with something that you know you will be dealing with for the rest of your life. I've been where you are sweetie. I know where you're coming from but sooner or later, you will have to accept it. If you choose not to, you will only make your life a living hell. Life is no picnic even with the right meds but at least it is more bearable. Why not decrease your torment significantly by accepting the fact that you're BP with psychotic episodes and do whatever you can to feel better than you are today? I'm sure you don't like the way you're feeling and you can do something about that but nobody can make you do it, you have to 'want' to do it. Making an appt with a T for Thursday is a wonderful and big step that you are making and I'm very proud of you for doing that. Kudos to you.

You say the meds are not working. I don't think you are giving them enough chance to work. Nothing is going to make this all go away instantaneously. Getting meds from friends, who should be taking them themselves, doctor hopping and keeping this all as secret as much as you can is only hurting you sweetie. You're making your life way harder than it needs to be.

I know suicidal, I've been there too, many, many times and I was always like that until I got to 1500mg of Depakote. That's what helped me but I realize that works for one doesn't necessarily work for the next person but I honestly believe that you are going to be fighting that demon until you get on the right meds that work for you.

I don't have alters that are sabatoging me but I do a mighty fine job of that all on my own but I don't do it with meds or T. I will never be med free, do I like that? NO!!! Absolutely NOT!!! I hate taking all these #$@@#$ meds but I do it because I have to because if I don't I won't live to talk about it the next day. They keep me alive.

I just wish that I or somebody else or something could get through to you and get you to understand that you need to start doing what's in your own best interest. Life doesn't have to be as hard for you as it is now, it really doesn't. Stop fighting getting yourself the help that you so desperately need. PLEASE!!! Do it for yourself, your family, for us but most of all YOU. You are worth far more than having to live with so much pain and torment every day like you're doing now.

I hope that you are receiving this with the love in which it is given.

Why don't you go and read the cat's poem "Spots". Read of his very real and terrifying suicide attempt and his desperation to live afterwards. That poem really got through to me. Maybe it will to you to. At least give it a try. How long does it take to read a poem. Isn't your life worth the 5 minutes it might take. I'll bet, if you've read this entire reply from me to you, you can read his poem faster.

Am I getting through to you at least a little? Give life a try, give YOUR life a try. YOU'RE WORTH IT!!!