[imapatient]

I suffered some abuse from my mother on two issues which are interrelated in an abstract way, and both of which are real male-female relationship issues. What and that she said them will blow you away.

The problems are that the topic of the simple one she talked about is true for me and the stuff she said about how women would view guys fitting my "type" is also true. But it was abusive of her in the way she handled the whole thing in both words and deeds, both intentionally abusive and in a benign way of trying to do some good and help me, despite the nothing but acutely negative way she went about it.

The other thing I refer to is the "nuclear" issue. She said something (in combo with an act that wasn't really a sexual act) that was sexually abusive in one of the worst ways psychologically for a boy. It turned out not to be true for me, but the issue is a real issue of major concern and esteem that everyone would agree as such; I'm trying to say it's a commonly talked about topic and everyone knows how volatile a subject it is. But her words would've screwed up any boy for life.

My female T that I saw for 14 years over 17 year period helped me greatly with the two things. More so with the simple thing; we ran into difficulty over the nuclear thing. Related to that is why she said (along with advice from others) that I should see a male T--that's it too hot of an issue given my difficulties with women about it.

Now that I'm getting therapy again--my old NYC male T, and am in day treatment, seeking a new T, seeking a new pdcoc, it's all come raining over me.

Esp. the "simple" issue as the old T (f) greatly helped me with it. But I'm being triggered by the issue again in reading personals ads by some female T's in finding out what they personally think about it. It has me calling into question what the old F T said about the issue and her personal views (her response to a direct yes/no question I asked very early on that was a make it or break it for me. She said "yes", so I could continue with her, had she said "no" that would've been it.

Maybe she lied.

I'm having very strong urges to seek out verbal/psychological abuse on these issues--have done so a little lately (have done very much so over the course of my life).

The thing is this: If I'm just asking someone to speak truthfully and directly with me about a general issue (not something only applying to me personally), to say things and answer direct, simple questions, is it really abuse when what's being spoken are truths that I could garner from multiple other places as pure information? Is seeking out truthful, factual information that I know will make me feel very hurt a form of self-abuse? It's just truth, even though it really, really hurts.

I can't get into the simple or nuclear issues here b/c they are common male/female relationship-type issues, and I'm sure a lot (most if the standard data/percentages applies here) of women here hold the views that make me hurt.

I feel like I can't be specific about it here, nor can I in my DT groups because of the female presence there. Nor can I do it with a F T--maybe I could, if I were trusting enough and found someone I could have faith in as not looking down on me about it.

I'm thinking about finding someone to talk to me about this stuff (F via phonesex). I've had in mind something a girl in high school said to me as something I want repeated to me. In talking to a guy in DT today, I found he (very barely) knew her and was friends with her old boyfriend and that group of people years ago. Years past h.s. Triggered me to find out he knew her when I had her in mind anyway.

I'm trapped. I can't talk anywhere about it but to men.

I guess I know to deliberately seek out things even if true because they will hurt is self abuse, but..........

I had felt fairly settled about the issue (as much as possible) until that T terminated like she did; now I doubt whether anything we did together in therapy was helpful, whether she lied to me, tried to make me feel better. Now all sorts of stuff are being revisited and the stress is getting overwhelming on these 2 things.

Apologies for being vague. I want to open up, but don't think I can handle it.

[chaotic13]

Impatient... Because of the vagueness here I'm not sure what to say. I just wanted you to know...I'm sending you good vibes this morning. I know you have posted before about your struggles with being heard and with trying to resolve issues without being able to say things the way you want to without being misunderstood. I know you've had some trouble with a prevous T

[Mouse_]

I second Chaotics sentiments here.

[peaches100]

You sound frustrated and want advice, yet you don't feel comfortable being more specific. That makes it really tough to give a helpful reply. I'm not sure what you're alluding to. But I did want to comment on one question you asked.

Is seeking out truthful, factual information that I know will make me feel very hurt a form of self-abuse? It's just truth, even though it really, really hurts.

Whether it is self-abusive depends in large part on the reason why you are seeking out the information (your motive for doing so).

[phoenix7]

my t said I could get a copy of her notes if I wanted - I said no - it would be the truth - to be exact it would be her truth and maybe not mine - so I dont want to know that .

I hope whatever the issue is resolved and that you feel happier soon

P7

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

it would be her truth and maybe not mine - so I dont want to know that .

Excellent point!!!!!!!!!!

[Sannah]

Imapatient, if I remember correctly you are pretty analytical. I see this post as another sign of you distancing yourself from your feelings by being analytical???????????