[darkrunner]

So, between Chaotic's thread about safe touch and P7's thread about Ts doing something nice for you, I've begun to really think about hugs in therapy.

It seems So many people seem to want hugs, and are afraid to ask. OR already get hugs. Only a few seemed to say they never want hugs.

I personally would NEVER want a hug from my T.

I thought it might be interesting to take a poll with everyone's preferences.
And here are some virtual hugs for everyone!

I've definitely moved through pretty much your entire poll - started therapy at "would never want a hug from T and would be extremely triggered if T tried to hug me" and have moved on a year and a half later to "receive hugs from T and like them".

[MissCharlotte]

Okay, going out on a limb here but.......

There is a child part of me that really really wants a hug from T. But the adult would feel it is inappropriate. Because I am unintegrated, it would be completely and totally confusing to me if T were to hug me (not to mention frightening). I also have a history of SA, and many touch-related issues. Therefore, I don't think that therapeutic relationships really lend themselves to hugs for this reason. During my last therapy my T and I hugged on the last session. That was okay, because there was a specific reason for it.

Originally Posted by ktgirl

So, between Chaotic's thread about safe touch and P7's thread about Ts doing something nice for you, I've begun to really think about hugs in therapy.

It seems So many people seem to want hugs, and are afraid to ask. OR already get hugs. Only a few seemed to say they never want hugs.

I personally would NEVER want a hug from my T.

I thought it might be interesting to take a poll with everyone's preferences.
And here are some virtual hugs for everyone!

[deliquesce]

i would love a hug from my pdoc, but i think it would be so awkward that it would burst my bubble of hug-hope.

i don't think physical contact is a done thing in australia, expect maybe with child psychologists. that's why i wouldn't ask for it. partly, i don't want to be told 'no', and partly, i am worried pdoc would give me a hug anyway even though he is not meant to. i probably enforce the boundaries in our relationship more strictly than he would.

[mightaswelllive]

T and I have shared a hug once and it was completely appropriate. I think they are okay if it's in the right situation. In my opinion, hugs must be attached to a feeling (for example, reassurance) and it shouldn't be a regular thing. They need to mean something in the healing or it crosses a boundary.

[KUREHA]

I don't think my psychologist would or does with anyone.

I couldn't ask in case she says NO - actually I'm certain it would be a no.
I think it might be kind of awkward.

[sw628]

Originally Posted by ktgirl

So, between Chaotic's thread about safe touch and P7's thread about Ts doing something nice for you, I've begun to really think about hugs in therapy.

It seems So many people seem to want hugs, and are afraid to ask. OR already get hugs. Only a few seemed to say they never want hugs.

I personally would NEVER want a hug from my T.

I thought it might be interesting to take a poll with everyone's preferences.
And here are some virtual hugs for everyone!

Hi KTGirl
Thanks for the post. You raise a very good point. My T and I hug after every session. It wasn't always that way. One day in session I wrote a letter to her stating that at times I wish I could just giver her a nice long hug, something I didn't receive often as a child or adult. The following session, she said she discussed this with a few colleagues and came to the conclusion that hugs were common at the end of therapy. From then on i've gotten one after each session. I suppose the hugs in my case symbolize reassurance and protection. This gets me through the week
Likewise, i'm happy I had the courage to ask for what I wanted.

I am pretty certain my Tdoc doesn't hug any of his patients. I understand that and respect that, but there are times when I sure wish I could get one.

[chaotic13]

I don't want a hug from my T. I'm comfortable with what she does and glad that I don't have to worry about being touched. what I want is for this not to even be an issue for me at all, ever. To be able to accept, respond, enjoy,and then not later worry about it.

[darkrunner]

Thanks everyone for your responses!! I think everyone's unique perspective is very very interesting!

(((((((((((treehouse)))))))))))))))
That is interesting how your needs have evolved in therapy. I think that is really a sign of great growth, don't you?? Something to be proud of.


(((((((((((((((MissC))))))))))))))))))
That must be very frustrating, to have parts of you wanting totally opposite things. I guess the safest route is 'no hugs', like you said, but how does your child part handle that?
I like what you said too about having a reason for a hug. Yes, a last session would be a good reason......and I might even consider a hug. Or, maybe not.....
I wonder if there are other specific reasons that would make a hug feel ok?

(((((((((((((((((((Deli)))))))))))))))))))
You sound like you have very conflicting feelings about this subject....on one hand wanting a hug, but thinking it is inappropriate, then thinking that it would be awkward if pdoc said no, then thinking your pdoc WOULD give you one, but that it is not a good idea and you need to enforce good boundaries.
I guess for some it's not always such a black and white issue.
And I think that's ok too!

(((((((((((((((Mightaswelllive))))))))))))))))
I like what you said here:

They need to mean something in the healing or it crosses a boundary.

So it is the meaning or purpose of a hug that makes it ok, or not ok?
That kind of makes sense.
But how do you know if it means the same thing to the T as it does to the client, and vice versa?
Just pondering.......

(((((((((((((((Kureha)))))))))))))))))))))))
I wonder if you could bring it up in a general sense...maybe not asking for a hug specifically, but asking if your T ever does hug any clients. I know what you mean about wanting to avoid the awkwardness. There are enough awkward moments in T without adding more!

((((((((((((((((((Sw628)))))))))))))))))))))
Good for you for asking for what you needed, and how wonderful that you got it. I like how you said what the hugs mean to you - reassurance and protection. I guess it may be easier for you to hold on to those feelings when you also have the memory of the physical contact of the hug. Sounds like you have a caring T, esp since she took the initiative to ask around and figure out if hugs were appropriate. Thanks for sharing!

((((((((((((((((((Chris)))))))))))))))))
It sounds like there are lots of people who don't think their Ts would give a hug but would want them to, so you are not alone.

(((((((((((((((((Chaotic)))))))))))))))))
I agree with you. I want it never to be an issue for me either.
I really don't think my T would ever try to hug me, and I'm glad for that.

my t will hug me if i ask her to...altho usually it is one of the child peeps who does. currently in therapy we are working on safe touch as for me i tend to leave the scene as soon as touch is involved...so that is something i want to improve...it is is difficult and really hard work for me involving lots and lots of memories. she is even trying to teach me..outgoing stumpy how to safe touch and hug since i got no clue. (thanks mom..for all those lessons....ya know a hug might have been nice at some point)

she has probably hugged us maybe all of 10 times in 3 years so we are not talking about a ton of times and most of them were when we were vacationing in that fancy "spa" called "che bin" (aka the hospital)...the kid peeps needed something to calm them down from a mom type.

she knows that we get all caught up in memories and panic in her office that a touch on the leg will calm us (BUT she always asks if she can move next to us first and touch us).

hugs are weird...they feel good but not at the same time...its like we can't really relax enough to enjoy them yet.

she also said to us that normally she has a strict "no touch" policy with her patients but has bent that with us since it was obvious we needed it and would benefit from it so much. i think she is enjoying the challenge of us..we are her first did patient (and maybe her last!)

i don't think i would want one every session...nor touch every session. i think that would devaluate it for me...or maybe not ..my luck i would grow to love it..become addicted and then need a 12 step program...ah the story of my life.


as far as pdoc....well after i told him i knocked down a wall in the gym since i've been working out..maybe if i asked for a hug he might or he might run from the room screaming and afraid.

stumpy

[sunrise]

How do you feel about hugs in T?

My T and I hug sometimes on my way out the door. In a way, I don't consider these to be "hugs in therapy". They are after therapy is over. We never hug during the middle of therapy when I am discussing something difficult, need reassurance, am crying, etc. He stays in his seat, I stay in mine. There have been times when I was having a hard time, and he made a hugging motion with his arms, and said, "I am sitting here, giving you a hug." I really liked that. We hug at the end of a session about 1 out of every 3 times. I don't feel bad when we don't hug. But I always like it when we do hug.

Receive hugs from T and like them

I don't really think of myself as "receiving" hugs. When T and I hug, it is reciprocal. We both give, we both receive.

Would never want a hug and would be extremely triggered if T tried to hug me

I don't think most T's would "try to hug" a person without asking first, at least until some sort of pattern was established. My T often says, "share a hug?" before we hug. But since we've done it a number of times now, he doesn't ask all the time anymore.

Originally Posted by ktgirl

So many people seem to want hugs, and are afraid to ask.

That's interesting to me too. It would not have occurred to me to want or ask for a hug, because I didn't know that was even a possibility in therapy. I wouldn't have had the idea unless T asked, "share a hug?" But we are so close, that it feels very natural, like an extension of our closeness. I think maybe this never occurred to me with my previous therapist because we weren't close.

One thing I sometimes feel when T and I hug is that he is my protector. He is a lot taller than I am and when we hug, I only come up to about his shoulder and that feels really good. My H is just a couple of inches taller than I am, so that makes T a lot taller than he is too. So I feel like T is this big guy and will protect me from H! Very primal. I like that. I've told T about this reason I like that he is tall, and he understands completely. The hug reinforces this to me.

ktgirl, this was an interesting poll!

[rainbow8]

My T only hugged me at my last regular session with her before going to "sessions as needed." She is not against hugging, but for me, she said it would not be appropriate. I used to not like hugs from anyone, but got over it. It depends on the circumstances. I probably would have overreacted to hugs from my T in the past. I understand why she didn't offer them. I didn't ask for the hug at the last session, so I was surprised! A nice surprise! It felt good.

I hugged her another time after that, but not during therapy. I don't feel comfortable sharing the details. It wasn't related to therapy, but a happy occasion and I approached her. She was fine with it! I call that my "extra" hug. It was nice because I didn't attach any transference feelings to it.

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((((Stumpy)))))))))))))))
You are so cool! Thanks for sharing! Your T sounds really great. I like hearing that a T will go against a 'policy' if it is in the best interests of the client. That is how it should be.
You knocked down a WALL at the gym!!! That's awesome!
Must have felt good, too!

((((((((((((((Sunrise))))))))))))))
Very interesting that you differentiate between a hug "in" therapy and one "after" therapy. I think that is a small but important distinction to make, really.
I also like the distinction you made between "receiving" a hug, and reciprocating a hug. Good thought!
And I think you are right, I HOPE you are right, that a T wouldn't try to hug someone without asking or talking about it first. But maybe it would be possible for a client to *think* they want that kind of physical contact, and then when it really happens to become triggered by it.
Oh, and I love what you said about T being your protector. How wonderful that you feel that way! It totally makes sense that the hug reinforces that feeling. You deserve someone to protect you and take care of you, and I am happy that your T does that for you.

(((((((((((((Rainbow)))))))))))))))))
That is interesting that your T said hugs would not be appropriate, and then surprised you with one at your last regular session. I'm glad it was a nice surprise, though, as you said.
And I think the 'extra hug' sounds nice too, esp b/c it was a happy occasion.

Thanks all so much for your responses.

I just got back from T, and at the end of the appointment she moved closer to me to draw a diagram (a spiral that portrayed the healing process - she was trying to show me how healing is not 'linear')
Anyway, she smelled so good - it was the first time I had noticed her perfume. I thought about this thread because I was really glad I didn't have to worry about her hugging me.

[Brightheart]

I had one hug from my T and found it to be a very warm and caring way to say goodbye to him. My motivation was that of gratitude. My therapy was a shared experience and he was a part of that. It was a thank you and a memory I'll always have to keep as a shared moment. I'll always remember him squeezing back.

[Brian37]

me male

she female

hugs not good

complimentary beverage and raiding candy dish are all I get

[darkrunner]

Bether - that sounds so nice, and....well....just really NICE.
Rainbow also said she got her only hug at the last session (last regular session) - I wonder if that is a common thing they teach in therapy school......that it is OK to hug at the last session, because there is less of a chance of something bad coming from it????? IDK....just thinking outloud.

OOOOOhhhhhh, Brian.....you have a candy dish to raid???? I'm so jealous. Is there chocolate in there? I would eat the whole thing.

i have to say, I'm really really suprised to be in the poll minority. Most people either already hug their T's or would like to. Very unexpected......

[Luce]

I dont wanna hug my new t. I used to hug my old t. Sometimes she would sit beside us too. She was nice. Safe. But I dont want to hug the new t.

[hangingon]

My T intiated the first hug by asking if I liked hugs after I had seen her for almost 3 months. I told her yes but that I would never ask for one, she said can I give you one and I said yes.

I thanked my T via email for her hugs and told her that they gave me something to hold onto for the week. When she saw me that next session she thanked me for telling her how the hugs made me feel.

We have been hugging after every session, sometimes just a quick hug and sometimes she gives me a nice squeeze and rubs my back a little saying my name and stating that I am doing really good work. This may sound funny but when she says my name while hugging me, I like it, it seems to keep me very present during the hug

I think asking for the hug is a risk but one worth taking, you may be surprised how many T actually will hug a patient if they ask.

[sw628]

Originally Posted by hangingon

My T intiated the first hug by asking if I liked hugs after I had seen her for almost 3 months. I told her yes but that I would never ask for one, she said can I give you one and I said yes.

I thanked my T via email for her hugs and told her that they gave me something to hold onto for the week. When she saw me that next session she thanked me for telling her how the hugs made me feel.

We have been hugging after every session, sometimes just a quick hug and sometimes she gives me a nice squeeze and rubs my back a little saying my name and stating that I am doing really good work. This may sound funny but when she says my name while hugging me, I like it, it seems to keep me very present during the hug

I think asking for the hug is a risk but one worth taking, you may be surprised how many T actually will hug a patient if they ask.

(( Hangingon))))
Do we have the same T? hahah Your experience is almost identical to mine with T.

Today in therapy I revealed probably the worst thing yet in SO many ways. Before he stood up to get my receipt (he was sitting with me), he gave me the biggest hug ever. He's big and I'm small and I felt totally enveloped and safe and loved. AND I didn't feel like an "untouchable" which was pretty much how I was feeling.

I got another hug on my way out the door. T takes such good care of me. I really appreciate it.

[Brightheart]

Wow, that sounds wonderful Treehouse.

I think being hugged by your T (if you're comfortable with it) can be a way of sharing a human connection with him/her. It's non-verbal and very powerful and loving in its own way.

I'm wondering, though...for those of you who do hug...are the hugs very quick or more of a comfort thing? Our hug was not a release and go type of hug...it was a longer lasting solidify the bond type of hug (if such a hug exists anyway). I'd never asked for a hug before so I don't know if he'd have given me one sooner or not. I asked for a handshake as I was leaving, but he knew I wanted a hug so he offered. For me it was a healthy thing to do.

[darkrunner]

Luce - how long have you been seeing your new T? DO you think you are till trying to decide if you can trust the new T?
I've only been seeing my T for about 3 1/2 months. I think I'm beginning to really like her and trust her, but I still don't want a hug.

Hangingon - That was nice how your T initiated the hugging.....thanks for sharing that.
I think you're right, it is a worthwhile risk to ask for a hug if it is something the client really wants.

Treehouse - you were so brave to reveal that, and I'm glad you got the what you needed from T afterwards. I know it doesn't make all the hard stuff go away, but hopefully it helps to know that T will always be there for you. Take care of yourself, ok?

Bether - your T must have known you very well to know you wanted a hug without even saying it. That really speaks to the significance of the therapeutic relationship you had. Awesome!
Do you wish you had asked for a hug sooner than the last session?

[Luce]

tree, glad you got what you needed.

ktgirl, been seeing her for six months. I wont ever want a hug from her. I like her kinda. and kinda not.

[Brightheart]

I always thought that I really wanted one hug from him and that would be all that I needed. There were times during sessions when I did long for some type of physical comfort, but I could always feel the comfort coming from him so it was okay. He'd offer me a tissue and somehow that was his way of showing concern and support. If I closed my eyes I could feel our connection. He's allowed me to return to say hello sometime. I think it would be very difficult then to not want to hug him. I'm sure it would be very emotional. But our one hug was very nice.