I know there is supposed to be a title here...

I have been seeing my new T for several weeks now... I have had four true individual sessions since we transitioned from her being my couples T to being my individual T.

There have already been some contrasts to my other T. One thing is striking me in particular though. She is so accomodating. With my last T I just felt like I was always asking too much or that I needed too much. With my new T I asked for weekly appts at the same time and she was great. I recently called regarding a book recommendation she had and she said it was okay for me to call at any time for anything. She has already offered that if I want to come more frequently at any point that she would be happy to do that and she would work with me on payments.

But there is something about her offering these things (not that I see myself calling all of the time or having more than one session a week at this point), something about anticipating my needs that feels so good and therapeutic and scary.

The thought that I could ask for what I need and get it without having to compromise myself is alarming to me. Alarming and wonderful at the same time.

We had a good session yesterday. She was so tender towards me, toward what I have experienced. She said some powerful things.

And I left the session thinking: "Please don't be so nice to me."

She sounds terrific - and what a T should be! If you were overdemanding, she wouldn't have offered the call anytime. She knows that you will limit yourself, yet call (I hope) when you do need to!
What is making you feel the way you do about it is that you don't feel you are worthy of such good care. My friend, you surely are worthy of good care...and of good self care! So do call when you need to...even if it's just to say you are just " checking in."

Searching, it sounds like your T is working hard to help you. My T is supportive but not in the way you are describing but in other ways. When she provides that support it feels great, but I also find myself being very fearful of the feeling that surface when I think about it. Like Sky mentioned maybe it because of a sense of not being worth caring for. Or I think for me it is partly about not wanting to miss it when therapy is over.

((((((((Searching))))))))))

I'm so glad you are getting so much from your new T.
She sounds wonderful.

I hear you about it being scary.....but you are doing it! - and with time and practice and as you begin to trust her more it will get easier and feel even better.

Your T sounds very wonderful. I'm so glad you found her!

She also sounds very much like my T. I think I have asked a hundred times in 2 years "I can call about anything?" ("Sure!").
It is wonderful and so hard to believe that someone can accept me without judgement, can be tender with me, can just "be" there with me while I am "being" there. I think it is so amazing, so personal, and it feels so good. It took me a long time to be able to open up at all. I said next to nothing, I mean barely spoke at all, for the first 9 months, then I reached a point where I was able to feel it would be okay to say anything and everything (as she has said is "all" I have to do. lol ) and see to see what happened if I did. That was the beginning of trust which continues to build and which sometimes feels stronger than other times.

But the acceptance, given so tenderly and warmly, feels so awesome.
And it's okay to feel awesome

Isn't that the coolest thing? That you can actually ask for what you need and not get punished for it?

Of course I am still stuck in the idea that I am independent and need nothing from anybody. Guess that's what I need to work on in therapy LOL. I even felt stupid calling my T/psych NP about the Lamictal reaction... I almost didn't call!

It's good that your T is so nice to you! Enjoy it.

Searching, she sounds like a wonderful T - congrats! I'm experiencing something similar with my T - she seems wonderful and is already good about anticipating my needs after only a few sessions. I don't know why it feels scary as well as good. I know that I have issues about losing control, and T says I don't let others take care of me, so I'm sure that goes into it!

Good luck, Searching - I hope that the relationship continues to be rewarding for you with T!

Thank you all for your responses...

Sky- Yes, a part of me believes that I am worthy of good care and good self care. However, a part of me just does not get things being "easy". I think I wait for the other shoe to drop. At some point I believe that I will be too much and she will tell me I am too much. This would then create a situation I would be familiar with. I don't know what I would call that...I guess someone else setting limits because I am too much... I would love to call just to "check in", I just have a hard time with all of the mental gymnastics that goes along with the calling.

Chaotic- Yes it is both about being worthy of good care and missing it when it might be gone. There is also something about just opening the door to having my needs met that is the issue. I don't know how to explain exactly...Some feeling that comes from such a deep place of longing I guess. And a fear of the attachment coupled with a desire for the attachment...IDK...I think I am just typing my thoughts at this point....

ktgirl- Thank you. Yes, I make myself do it. Maybe make isn't a good word...But I make myself tolerate the tenderness I guess. I love the tenderness and kind words... It can just be a lot.

ECHOES- Thank you. She really is great. Very sweet and present. She has been so kind. Interestingly the opening up part has gone okay...Maybe because we had already established a little bit of a relationship. I don't have that same freakout after a session like I did with my old T. I also don't have pre-session anxiety as bad, at least at this point. Both of these things are signs that it is going well so far that I have some trust built. It is such a process though...

Amazonmom- Oh my! You stated two huge details that jumped out at me- asking for what I need and not getting punished and keeping up the appearance that I don't need aything. Both of these points are so true for me....

Dreamseeker- Thank you- Goodluck to you too!!

As I was responding it occured to me that what might be going on for me is that I like the attention, tenderness, the anticipation of my needs and getting my needs met and I am fearful that I will grow accoustomed to this and then it will be taken or go away. Does that make sense? I guess I would rather others in my life be unpredictable, unreliable, innattentive evan absent and unavailable. It makes it easier to depend on myself to get my needs met. When I depend on myself then I don't get hurt and I am not vulnerable therefore I am not hurt badly in my relationships. When someone is consistent and nice and available then I want to open myself to them and I risk getting really hurt. When I open myself up I feel like I am too much and I fear rejection... Or something like that...

Thanks again everyone!