[Melbadaze]

When my adoptive mother preached her version of the world I gradually died spritually bit by bit, in the end she became the one that I was glad to be with, she made sure I would never reject her so she taught me about the world and the people in it, in her special way. Today in T the 2 realitys clashed, her reality and reality, I told T I wasn't ready to question this belief and infact I just wanted to fall asleep, I felt myself resisting any shift in thinking, it would be to huge to suddenly awaken and find all these yrs she lied!!, T said it would be difficult for me to question what she preached because it would mean doing it without her backing and when this sort of "brainwashing" takes place you do not have your own strenght to question, to go against, you have to belief the hand that feeds you. I said but what is it? I can see the world with my eyes and theres nothing happening, unyet I can hear it, I know its happening somewhere I've just not seen it yet, T said mother took away my ablity to trust in what I saw or heard or felt, now I cannot trust even what I witness with my own eyes, I've been to this place before with T but never at this place where I hear her say it, that I cannot trust what I see or hear or feel, I guess because it means going back to its birth, the place it was destroyed and having to face the reality that she lied!! she robbed me of so much, what am I really protecting now? myself from the anger I would feel if I was to suddenly see this as it is, I can't believe the job she done on me, completely brainwashed me! completely destroyed my abilty to trust to see to know, to take what I saw and tell me I didnt see that, to take what I felt and tell me I didnt feel that, to take life as it was and feed it to me with poison!...I have to let this one emerge grain by grain, I think I would explode if I saw it all at the same tme, but this feeling I have always lived with of seeing but not seeing, of hearing but not hearing, she spaggetti'ed my head! psycho *****!

[JustAPixie]

(((( Melbadaze ))))

It all sounds really scary and I wish you all the luck and strenght I can muster to get through this time in therapy!

[WikidPissah]

It pisses me off so much when I come to the realization that what I have thought and felt my whole life is entirely not accurate. Makes me want to scream at my parents "WTF???" it's a difficult process, this reprogramming.

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

When my adoptive mother preached her version of the world I gradually died spritually bit by bit, in the end she became the one that I was glad to be with, she made sure I would never reject her so she taught me about the world and the people in it, in her special way. Today in T the 2 realitys clashed, her reality and reality, I told T I wasn't ready to question this belief and infact I just wanted to fall asleep, I felt myself resisting any shift in thinking, it would be to huge to suddenly awaken and find all these yrs she lied!!, T said it would be difficult for me to question what she preached because it would mean doing it without her backing and when this sort of "brainwashing" takes place you do not have your own strenght to question, to go against, you have to belief the hand that feeds you. I said but what is it? I can see the world with my eyes and theres nothing happening, unyet I can hear it, I know its happening somewhere I've just not seen it yet, T said mother took away my ablity to trust in what I saw or heard or felt, now I cannot trust even what I witness with my own eyes, I've been to this place before with T but never at this place where I hear her say it, that I cannot trust what I see or hear or feel, I guess because it means going back to its birth, the place it was destroyed and having to face the reality that she lied!! she robbed me of so much, what am I really protecting now? myself from the anger I would feel if I was to suddenly see this as it is, I can't believe the job she done on me, completely brainwashed me! completely destroyed my abilty to trust to see to know, to take what I saw and tell me I didnt see that, to take what I felt and tell me I didnt feel that, to take life as it was and feed it to me with poison!...I have to let this one emerge grain by grain, I think I would explode if I saw it all at the same tme, but this feeling I have always lived with of seeing but not seeing, of hearing but not hearing, she spaggetti'ed my head! psycho *****!

you definitely have a way with words, melba....jus the fact that you are able to so clearly articulate the emerging understanding of the extent of the damage that was done to you bodes well for your being able to process and handle it when youre ready. i know its sooooo hard, but its so worth it too. i know you know that you are so courageous!

[Perna]

It helps me a little, when I realized it's the learning and the perspective, not "Me" that is wrong; that I can be free to refocus and do/learn to see/hear things differently. I just think about "learning" (which I like to do) and imagine it's learning to do something I want to do and remember other hard things I've learned to do and then I don't feel as anxious about the whole thing.

[Melbadaze]

Perna, Yes I've thought about that, looking at it as a new learning experience, I think this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever relearnt though, feels like trudging through mud.