[Dani]

I saw T today, the first time in 3 weeks and it was completely non-productive because I just sat there. I had wanted to write out how I was feeling these past few weeks to share it with her but last night when I sat down to write it out, I couldn't put things into words even on paper so I decided not to do it. So I went in there today and she mentioned that it had been a long time since we'd seen each other and she asked how I had coped with it, and all I said was that it was very hard for me because I had a lot going on with me and no one to talk to. And that's pretty much it, I didn't say hardly anything the rest of the session. I feel so disconnected from her and I feel like I'm slipping away into a deep depression. I probably should have just said that to her but I stayed silent and the session was basically a waste of my time and hers.

Oh wow, I hate sessions where I'm too overwhelmed to talk.

I don't think it's a waste, though (even though it SO feels like it at the time). I think on some deeper lever, some part of me needs to just experience being with T, and being safe, before I can say anything. So, after a long break, or when I'm overwhelmed, there tends to be a LOT of silence. The words are in my head, but I can't say them.

By the next session, I can usually force myself to say SOMETHING. Maybe because I feel safer, or maybe because I don't want to go home again and regret not being able to talk....or maybe both.

Be gentle with you. Therapy is hard.

[jexa]

That sucks, Dani. I'm glad you were at least able to tell T that there was a lot going on and you'd been having a hard time. This way maybe she knows why it was so hard to talk. Could you maybe try showing the post you wrote on here before to your T? The one that you posted a couple weeks ago, about not having an appointment when you needed it? That might be helpful for her to know.

[WikidPissah]

(((Dani))) I have had those sessions before...UGH! I am so sorry that things didn't get said.

[velcro003]

Yuck, I understand SO completely this feeling. My therapy is a constant battle of me getting words out. Just a few months ago, I was on a vacation, then T was on a vacation for two weeks. When we came back the first session was good because I had lots to catch her up on about my vacation. Once that "chat" session was over, the next few were torturous. Ugh. I still hate thinking about it!

It was like I was back at the beginning of therapy. I could think of no viable topic to talk about, I sat there nervous and frustrated...I walked out convinced she was so annoyed at me.

The only thing I could talk about was how I didnt want to talk. So then I felt like I was wasting her and my time by repeating the obvious. Out of sheer frustration/desperation, I finally told her that I was so scared she was mad at me. She immediately responded "Why would I be mad at you? Because you find it difficult to talk?" I couldn't even look at her when I was saying this, I was so scared. I told her that I was convinced she hated me because I suck and can't talk. I said I thought I would feel better (and I did a little bit) if I would continue to see her and she didn't act mad. She didn't, but then I thought "Well she won't ACT it, but she could still BE mad."

Ugh. Round and round. She said she wasn't mad at all, but she did wonder why we were in that stuck place and that therapy shouldn't be THIS frustrating (*cue feeling like a failure*). Blerg. So, I felt worse...and THEN she said "I"ve been thinking of other approaches to help you."

She went on a spiel on how she had been thinking for awhile about trying EMDR with me (well, with an EMDR therapist), how she thinks it will help because its not focused on talking..etc. The entire time she was speaking all I was doing was freaking out. It was my worst nightmare coming true, she was F-I-N-A-L-L-Y sick of me.

Then, the saving grace. I went through all this turmoil...and she goes "I am not kicking you out. I don't want to stop working with you. I want you to feel better, and fast. I want you to try EMDR, but you will still come see me after. We are not done. If this doesn't work, we will try something else. I am not giving up."

I told her "Ok, I'll try to believe you." And she just looks at me and says "You HAVE to believe me," with such sincerity..like I should hold onto that, because its true.

The reason I just told that (extremely long) story was because I feel your pain. I have spent much of my therapy time not talking and being extremely frustrated and scared. There WERE other things discussed BECAUSE of me not talking...but it was just to help me. My T doesn't want me to stop seeing her, she just wants extra hands in there. You can see my "Non-Trauma and EMDR" thread if you are so inclined to find out more about it.

Something else I am learning? That if I can't say what I want to say in one session, or the next...or the next, there still is another. There is never a bad time in which to bring something up from previous sessions. My T always just jumps right in where I am.

[sadface]

I have been there too. I felt like I was the only person that doesn't know what to say. I felt like it was a waste of time too. I felt like I was dissapointing my T somehow. I don't like T it is hard and I know it is good for me but I don't want to do the work. I haven't seen my T since the summer began and I have an appointment coming up which I look forward to and dread all at the same time. I wish I knew what to say to help but I don't I just want you to know I understand what you are saying. I hope it gets better for you!

I call that my 'shut down' mode. I hate it when that happens! To help me through that, my therapist has asked me to send her emails between sessions. I am rather good at putting my thoughts and emotions in writing. She said that this has helped her tremendously. It gives her a view into what is going on with me, as well as, helps her chart my progress or cycles. She prints them out and uses them when we have our sessions (in case I shut down again!)

[WePow]

(((((Dani))))) I really wish your T would work harder to communicate with you. You obviously need to communicate. There are things Ts can do to get someone to share without talking.