[sunrise]

My divorce is just about over. Earlier this week, H and I met with our team one last time to make some final decisions. T was there as the coach, and was very helpful, as we talked some about post-D relationships. H mentioned that he had introduced our kids to his girlfriend. It was kind of a "bomb" for me, as I hadn't known that. I said, "I didn't know that," and the lawyers were a little like, "hmmm, what do we say to that?" It was a little surprising/hurtful for me to learn that fact in that way, with everyone around (I am a very private person and hate exposure in a "public" setting), with no lead-up or anything, such as, "hey, I probably should have mentioned this before," or "you may not have known this, but...." Just something.

I was talking about that today with T in my session. I mentioned it as a further example of the lack of caring of my H for me. He just has not been cognizant of anyone else's feelings but his own, now or ever. I was proud of myself for saying "I didn't know that," because I think in my pre-therapy days, I would not have said anything. I probably would have been kind of hurt, and entombed any feeling inside so quickly I wouldn't have consciously known what happened or even that there was any feeling. Every day, it seems, I see little ways that I have changed since beginning therapy.

So, our team meetings are over. We will meet one more time (gratis) to sign all the papers and have a bit of a celebration. It's been a long haul. I was happy to write T his last check for coaching duties and noted that as I signed the check and handed it over. The extra cash outlay is not something I am sorry to bid farewell!

I told T today that it just took too long. I am so "bored" with talking about the D and my H with him. It's like the D went on past the time I needed to deal with it. T agreed it had gone on a long time but also said that he was not sorry about that. He believed we were exiting the D with most issues resolved. He said many people have a hard time in the year or so after their D because of unresolved issues, anger, sorrow, etc. We've done a lot of our grieving and don't have a lot of anger left. We're pretty functional and our kids are benefiting. I think we're a success story, but I'm still bored. T said that the last meeting--where we all gather to sign the papers and the team honors our hard work--can be emotional, and every couple reacts differently. He said there is often sadness and some people just cannot tolerate the event and have to leave immediately. He said sometimes one person is very celebratory and the other is not, and that is very hard. He said it is very clear that both my H and I want to celebrate (we were asked this question and both gave the affirmative), and that is wonderful. (I think we will have some champagne, and I want a time to thank each person for their help--speech, speech! I tend toward the sentimental--a trait I've only recognized recently--and this will be the last time I probably will see any of the team except for T. I think T will have some things to say too.) I also think I will be sad, and I told T that. He said, "we're expecting that," and it would be OK. I told him I thought I would be sad but celebratory also, and he nodded as if "or course," and commented that many people don't realize that you can celebrate and be sad at the same time.

Of course, I started getting sad as I thought about all this, and cried a little, just some tears here and there. I said I hoped I wouldn't be too sad at the signing. And then I just totally felt like sobbing. I suddenly wanted to hug T very tightly and just SOB (I felt it in my bones), and then I had this weird visualization. I looked at him sitting across from me and then in my mind's eye, saw myself go over to his place on the couch. I saw us hugging and me sobbing--like a scene from a movie. I played this over a few times in my head as I sat there across from him. I really wanted to sob and have him hold me. I didn't do anything of course and moved on. I have never had a hug from T in the middle of a session or even thought of that, and so this was a new feeling for me.

T is ready to move onward with me too, and says he looks forward to hearing about the other parts of my life. He did look interested and leaned forward with an open and eager face and invited me to share something. So I told him a very positive thing for me right now that I'm very excited about, in the work/career area, and he was happy for me. That is just one thing that is occupying me right now, one thing of importance. I am looking forward to being able to talk to T about the important things in my life and to not being drawn away by the D. The divorce and marriage are of the past.

On the way out, T put his arm around my shoulders and we had a sideways hug. It wasn't the full hug of my mid-session visualization and came after I was past the tears--probably just as well.

I have written a lot about my divorce here on PC, and I am sure I will mention it again, but that journey is largely over. Thank you to all who tuned into my posts and saw snapshots taken along the way. I'll post again about the final celebration and hope I can report that I went through it authentically and without too many tears. (A few are OK.)

[LSCS628]

Originally Posted by sunrise

My divorce is just about over. Earlier this week, H and I met with our team one last time to make some final decisions. T was there as the coach, and was very helpful, as we talked some about post-D relationships. H mentioned that he had introduced our kids to his girlfriend. It was kind of a "bomb" for me, as I hadn't known that. I said, "I didn't know that," and the lawyers were a little like, "hmmm, what do we say to that?" It was a little surprising/hurtful for me to learn that fact in that way, with everyone around (I am a very private person and hate exposure in a "public" setting), with no lead-up or anything, such as, "hey, I probably should have mentioned this before," or "you may not have known this, but...." Just something.

I was talking about that today with T in my session. I mentioned it as a further example of the lack of caring of my H for me. He just has not been cognizant of anyone else's feelings but his own, now or ever. I was proud of myself for saying "I didn't know that," because I think in my pre-therapy days, I would not have said anything. I probably would have been kind of hurt, and entombed any feeling inside so quickly I wouldn't have consciously known what happened or even that there was any feeling. Every day, it seems, I see little ways that I have changed since beginning therapy.

So, our team meetings are over. We will meet one more time (gratis) to sign all the papers and have a bit of a celebration. It's been a long haul. I was happy to write T his last check for coaching duties and noted that as I signed the check and handed it over. The extra cash outlay is not something I am sorry to bid farewell!

I told T today that it just took too long. I am so "bored" with talking about the D and my H with him. It's like the D went on past the time I needed to deal with it. T agreed it had gone on a long time but also said that he was not sorry about that. He believed we were exiting the D with most issues resolved. He said many people have a hard time in the year or so after their D because of unresolved issues, anger, sorrow, etc. We've done a lot of our grieving and don't have a lot of anger left. We're pretty functional and our kids are benefiting. I think we're a success story, but I'm still bored. T said that the last meeting--where we all gather to sign the papers and the team honors our hard work--can be emotional, and every couple reacts differently. He said there is often sadness and some people just cannot tolerate the event and have to leave immediately. He said sometimes one person is very celebratory and the other is not, and that is very hard. He said it is very clear that both my H and I want to celebrate (we were asked this question and both gave the affirmative), and that is wonderful. (I think we will have some champagne, and I want a time to thank each person for their help--speech, speech! I tend toward the sentimental--a trait I've only recognized recently--and this will be the last time I probably will see any of the team except for T. I think T will have some things to say too.) I also think I will be sad, and I told T that. He said, "we're expecting that," and it would be OK. I told him I thought I would be sad but celebratory also, and he nodded as if "or course," and commented that many people don't realize that you can celebrate and be sad at the same time.

Of course, I started getting sad as I thought about all this, and cried a little, just some tears here and there. I said I hoped I wouldn't be too sad at the signing. I totally did feel like sobbing at that moment. I suddenly wanted to hug T very tightly and just SOB (I felt it in my bones), and then I had this weird visualization. I looked at him sitting across from me and then in my mind's eye, saw myself go over to his place on the couch. I saw us hugging and me sobbing--like a scene from a movie. I played this over a few times in my head as I sat there across from him. I really wanted to sob and have him hold me. I didn't do anything of course and moved on. I have never had a hug from T in the middle of a session or even thought of that, and so this was a new feeling for me.

T is ready to move onward with me too, and says he looks forward to hearing about the other parts of my life. He did look interested and leaned forward with an open and eager face and invited me to share something. So I told him a very positive thing for me right now that I'm very excited about, in the work/career area, and he was happy for me. That is just one thing that is occupying me right now, one thing of importance. I am looking forward to being able to talk to T about the important things in my life and to not being drawn away by the D. The divorce and marriage are of the past.

On the way out, T put his arm around my shoulders and we had a sideways hug. It wasn't the full hug of my mid-session visualization and came after I was past the tears--probably just as well.

I have written a lot about my divorce here on PC, and I am sure I will mention it again, but that journey is largely over. Thank you to all who tuned into my posts and saw snapshots taken along the way. I'll post again about the final celebration and hope I can report that I went through it authentically and without too many tears. (A few are OK.)

HELLO SUNRISE,

I ONLY JUST FILED FOR DIVORCE TODAY, SO I HAVE A LOOONG WAY TO GO. ALREADY MY MOODS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE. BUT ONE THING THAT HAS REALLY BEEN AN EYE OPENER TO ME IS JUST HOW PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE THIS MAN IS WHEN IT COMES TO ME. THAT NASTY SOON TO BE EX OF YOURS SOUNDS LIKE HE IS PRESENTING YOU WITH A LARGE DOSE OF THAT BEHAVIOR. I AM SORRY THAT HE IS MAKING YOU THE VICTIM.
I HOPE THAT THINGS PROGRESS WELL FOR YOU. YOU ARE HIS LOSS AND YOU ARE GETTING A NEW BEGINNING FOR HAPPINESS, WHICH YOU SO RICHLY DESERVE!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by LSCS628

I ONLY JUST FILED FOR DIVORCE TODAY

Oh my goodness!!! I hope you are doing OK.

ALREADY MY MOODS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Well, yeahhh, of course they are! Give yourself permission to be moody. (If you don't, I do!)

ONE THING THAT HAS REALLY BEEN AN EYE OPENER TO ME IS JUST HOW PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE THIS MAN IS WHEN IT COMES TO ME.

I'm sorry.

THAT NASTY SOON TO BE EX OF YOURS SOUNDS LIKE HE IS PRESENTING YOU WITH A LARGE DOSE OF THAT BEHAVIOR. I AM SORRY THAT HE IS MAKING YOU THE VICTIM.

I don't think he is making me the victim. That would mean he noticed me and cared enough to actively do something to me. He is just uncaring and oblivious. I am a bug that might accidentally get squashed, but not deliberately. Does that make sense?

I HOPE THAT THINGS PROGRESS WELL FOR YOU.

Thank you. I am very positive about the future.

((((((((((((((((((((Sunny))))))))))))))))

wow, you're almost to the home stretch!!! What a huge accomplishment

I can't wait to hear about the final celebration and what come next...

[Mouse_]

Sunrise, It was nice to see you able to offer comfort to Lsc! through your own divorce experience!

[coconut64]

((((((((((((Sunny)))))))))))))))

It's almost over wooohooo!!!!!

Can we have a party here too?

[chaotic13]

Sunrise,

I wonder if you husband will ever look back and say... boy what an *** I was to her? Although you stated that you think your H just doesn't even consider how his actions affect others, I wonder if this is really true or if he was just feeling the need to attempt to suck a little be more energy from you before you are gone for ever. Sometime I feel like my H says little things not so much to deliberately put me down, but to somehow elevate himself in some way. When I hear some of the comments he makes now, the are not as hurtful to me anymore. I find myself asking, "why did he need to hear himself say that?"

Like... why did your H feel the need at that moment to mention he had a girlfriend? Was it his way of telling himself...."Hey, I'll be alright I already have another woman waiting on the sideline." Or was it his way of letting the others in the room know, "I've still got it."

It just seems really shallow and something a hurt, insecure little boy would do. IDK maybe I am just associating it with things my H does in an attempt to get attention and feel better about himself. I really don't think he does it to specifically attack or hurt me.

I really like the way your T is with you but at the same time moving you forward. Sounds like you are embarking on a new life chapter that has the potential to be wonderful.

[Kiya]

YAY sunrise!!! GLad to see the light at the end there. I like what you said about noticing each time what little more you've picked up from therapy and how you are doing better. very very cool.
LOTS of hugs!!!!!
kiya

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by coconut64

Can we have a party here too?

Sure! I will tell you when the big day comes!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

Sunrise, I wonder if you husband will ever look back and say... boy what an *** I was to her?

I doubt it. He has shown again and again he doesn't think like this. I would not expect him to change at this stage in his life. However, I believe he is seeing how some of his actions hurt our girls and he is trying to make amends to them. However, this insight does not extend to me. Although I am glad he is trying to do better by the girls, it does hurt some to know this because I think, "yeah, that's great you apologize to them and make amends, what about me???"

Sometime I feel like my H says little things not so much to deliberately put me down, but to somehow elevate himself in some way.

My H does think very highly of himself and considers himself superior to most people, so yeah, he has probably done this. But it doesn't concern me much now. We don't live together anymore or have a stake in each other.

why did your H feel the need at that moment to mention he had a girlfriend? Was it his way of telling himself...."Hey, I'll be alright I already have another woman waiting on the sideline." Or was it his way of letting the others in the room know, "I've still got it."

We were talking about a clause in the legal parenting document about the parents waiting a certain time period to introduce a new "friend" to the kids (so you aren't introducing every casual date to the kids, but only a person with whom you have been together for a while--so you don't go introducing a whole train of people to the kids and creating unnecessary angst for them). So H was indeed on topic. I didn't mind that he mentioned he had a girlfriend, as I know that, it was just that I didn't think he needed to reveal that he had already introduced our daughters to her, in the way that he did--very publicly with no warning or consideration. But he has no sensitivity or insight whatsoever, plus he just plain doesn't care about me, so I guess what he did is right in line with who he is. I don't think he was trying to build himself up. He was just saying he makes his own decisions about how to run his life, and in fact has already done just what the legal doc was trying to moderate. We deleted that part from the document, and I was OK with it.

I really like the way your T is with you but at the same time moving you forward.

Me too. Actually, he's not really moving me forward. I am moving us forward in therapy. (My T is really very good about meeting me where I am.) I have had this fear that once the D is over, my therapy would be over, because we spend so much time dealing with it. But T has specifically said to me a few times that he looked forward to working with me on what was beyond. It is good to hear him say that. I really do feel this is going to be a renaissance period in my life. My kids are older (high school and college), I don't have as many childrearing responsibilities as I used to, I don't have H to worry about--keeping him happy,walking on eggshells so he doesn't get pissed off, keeping the house up to his specifications (never good enough), trying to keep the marriage afloat, etc. All these responsibilities are easing up, and I can focus more on myself now, which is really cool. I tend to spend lots of time taking care of others and I don't have to do that so much anymore. It really is great to be out from under this marriage. It was just such a drain, so depressing. I am planning/hoping to go back to school to retrain in a different career so I can support myself better (and be happier too). I know I could not have done this when we were still married as all those "family" and "marriage" responsibilities didn't leave me enough space to do my own thing. I know that's partly my fault but I don't have that to worry about anymore. I think also my H would have been angry at the thought that I would use "his money" to go back to school. No, I know I never would have done this if still married to him. Sometimes my youngest daughter will say something to me like, "you don't have to do that anymore. Dad doesn't live here. He's not your boss anymore." That makes me feel kind of bad, like yeah, I guess I did let him boss me around and create this bad image to my girls--that men can boss women around and women will do what they say and cater to them and don't look after their own needs. Oh, well. That's done with. I hope it wasn't too damaging to my girls' views of male-female relations. I am trying to set a better example now.

[chaotic13]

Sunrise,
I think you are showing your girls a lot of positive things both then and now.