[little*rhino]

he did.

I am not really comfortable with saying just what he said because it would contain more than i am able to share... but I can say that I have never met anyone like him. No one has ever cared in the way he so openly does... and I have never trusted anyone like I do with him.

instead of telling me it was bad but no big deal... instead of just moving along through it quickly and telling me what I almost wanted him to - that it wasn't so bad - he told me it affected him at the high end of how things make him feel. He said that he hears a lot... and this impacted him more than most.

he said more, and he was explicit and open... definitive... but again, not ok with explaining it here.

I just wanted to say how humbled i am by this... I am moved beyond words. He has shaken my foundations and I am unable to even understand the universe anymore. He has broken my "rules' of how people and things work... and has disregarded my absolute principles on what or who i am... he has dared to respect me and care for me despite my best efforts to convince him of my ultimate lack of worth.

it's ok though... as confused as i am, and as much as his kindness hurts for some reason... i am ok with having the universe inverted. i don't understand anything but it is better than the understanding i have lived with for so long. Mass chaos is better than misery any day.

besides... i have come far enough to know that he will stand by me as long as i need him and if I reach for him he will reach back. It's a good feeling... one I fought off and could not understand.

peace out

[chaotic13]

Candika I am glad your T reacted in a supportive way to whever it is you presented him with. I would suggest that you record as much as you can about how positive you currently feel about his response. When I had a similar inverting of the universe it initially felt wonderful. However, as the days passed afterwards other thoughts started to creep in and skew these positive feelings. I started realizing how my rules and previous perception of the universe really affected the quality of my life over the years. This lead to unexpected feelings of missed opportunities, sadness, anger, and other not so loving thoughts about myself and the choices I made.

Luckily, I did have journal entries of my initial feelings and the positive way I experienced my T's reaction. This helped me to remind myself that.... ultimately it is not about the past, its about the present moment and how having this new insight can enhance what I experience now.

Take time to savor these feelings. You worked hard and should experience the joy that come from this work.

[tulips30]

I am so happy that this has happened for you. You deserve this......It's been too long coming.

[Kiya]

That's awesome Candi =) T sounds like a good guy!

[phoenix7]

that is absolutely fantastic - i got an attack of the warm fuzzies!!!! yeah!!!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Candika

He has broken my "rules' of how people and things work... and has disregarded my absolute principles on what or who i am... he has dared to respect me and care for me despite my best efforts to convince him of my ultimate lack of worth.

Sounds like a really healing moment. Maybe one of those "transformational moments" of therapy. Nice to see you here. Take care.

[searchingmysoul]

Yay for amazing T's!!!!

[little*rhino]

yes.. healing moments for sure. i write tons about all of this, and i have the audio recordings of every session since sometime last year. i can't even begin to say how much that is helping me, especially now. Hearing the trauma related stuff is hard... very hard... but i need to hear it. i listen to the both of us and the space in between us - and watch as it shrinks or expands. i leave him voicemails sometimes so i can "talk" to him in between sessions too. It all helps capture and reinforce the things that come up.

those negatives about what has passed by due to the way my life has been skewed - either forcibly by others, passively by them or myself... they've happened a number of times. i watch my rescued dogs and i often think i am like them - not the dog i could have been had i had things go a bit differently early on. i just have to be the best dog i can be with what i ended up having. It does get me down... and i worry about ever getting my crap together enough to even pretend to reach any potential i might still have.

it hurts... his kindness hurts... and that is part of it i guess. The parts of me that have always needed genuine, trustworthy caring have been sheltered, protected and more than a little starved... when he is kind to me it is like having those places reached and they are tender... and it brings up/out this sadness and confusion over why they have been underdeveloped. Receiving genuine caring means facing the pain of the lack of it as well.

it has been a long time coming... hasn't it? It's odd because it took a near complete failure to communicate to break through to the place in which i could trust him. We had a really bad session... and it was apparent to the both of us... his timing was crap and he did not handle something very well AT ALL. i left feeling broken, abandoned, sort of punished, criticized and scared. It was a mess. But... he did the most amazing thing... he called me without me asking him to call. That might not sound like much, but for those of you who remember the agony over phone-foolery i have struggled with... well, he ***never*** does that. He said that he wanted me to know that he didn't want me to feel abandoned and that he cared and was thinking about me... the next session we worked through it and he really took responsibility for his part in it. He didn't just hand it to me or blame it on my triggers, etc.

THAT made such an impression. When i heard his voice on my voicemail i burst into tears. My experience is that everyone hands the buck to me... no one takes their own share. He didn't do that... he thought about what happened and how i felt - on his own time... he looked at his role in it and then he acted on what he felt was the right thing to do. He actually put my feelings ahead of any reluctance to admit fault... no one does that for me.

After that things changed in a big way... he crossed a barrier with me. He took care of my feelings without me asking him to... because he cared.

he is awesome... no two ways about it

he has offered to leave a voicemail for me while he is on vacation... something he never does anymore. He has felt that i can manage better on my own than i used to and so he never does that... but this is different. He knows how raw and vulnerable i am right now. He has been so gentle and just solidly there for me.

i have to decide what i want from him in the voicemail.... and i think i want to know more about why this impacted him so much. i mean, i think i have some idea as to some of the general implications that this would have for anyone... but it doesn't feel real when i look at it for myself.. you know? After all... i thought he was going to not see it as anything... kind of hard to accept it as something really big.

thanks everyone