Too scared to go to T

not sure I can show up tomorrow, I know I have to, but not sure I will be able to do this. I accidentally indirectly told her 2 of 3 of my secrets since I last saw her a month ago (f*** emails), I hope she didn't notice it, didn't get it or forgot it, I feel like I will freak out and run out of the room if she asks about anything related to it. She's so damn good at recognizing the important parts... Yeah, these are the main reasons I'm seeing her, but... it's so too soon, it's been 2 months only, I don't want her to know... She'll think I'm absolutely crazy...
How do I make myself go? My body just freezes after every thought related to T...

((((((((((((((((((3velniai))))))))))))))))))))))

oh my, I SO know the feeling of being too scared to go to T.

Does it help if you remember that YOU are the person in control of your therapy? You haven't seen T for a while...can you tell her "I was anxious about coming today" and "I really just want to use this session to reconnect"?? When I haven't seen my T for a while, I usually just try to reconnect with him before we get back into the heavy stuff. You get to be in charge.

(((((((((((((((( 3velniai )))))))))))))))

Hey! I know going to therapy is an extremely frightening thing, especially after having some questionable issues out in the open. However, I would like to reassure you.

First, your therapist will NOT think that you're crazy. Not to bash on anyone else's problems, but I'm sure that she has seen a LOT worse, so no worries. Besides, they're trained to handle any type of situation that is given to them.

The best thing I can tell you to do is to try and relax, don't think about it too much, and just hope for the best! I'm sure everything will work out for you!

If you need someone to talk to, I'm here.

I can't use the "reconnect" thingy because I don't feel there was a real connection, so far it was more like playing hide and seek. I'm seeing her for 2 months (or even less) only, which is a very very short time for me.
It's very stupid, but I never remember how she looks, in my mind she's the person with no face and an unusual hair color. That color made me feel warm inside and like everything will be ok, and now I know that the color has changed, so I won't get the "everything will be ok eventually" feeling too.
Ok, I am crazy, who on earth would make such a huge deal about hair color. I just don't want her to know how crazy I am...

It's a very scary thing talking about things we want to forget about sometimes 3 and if you aren't ready, tell her so from the beginning of the session. She should let you go at your pace, like treehouse said, you are the one in control. Just because her hair color has changed doesn't mean you can't feel comfort. She is still the same person you talked to before. If you need to imagine her hair color being what it was before then do that. Do whatever it is that helps you. Best of luck

awww eyebally...

look... i know trust takes a long time, so do you and so does she.

Yes... if she possibly did notice things if they are important and obviously so... but, you do not have to talk about them right away just because you said them. If she does mention them, you can and should just say that you feel it is too soon to go there and that you feel you jumped the gun by telling her so quickly. Tell her you will tell her when you are able to move forward.

i cannot imagine she would do anything other than oblige

i've done this though... blurted out something in a voicemail or letter... it is because you actually do want the help but your trust hasn't caught up with your needs yet. It will.

If you do go you may be pleasantly surprised at how much less painful even the worst case scenario is than what you imagine. It is normal to fear and to filter... just be aware that it is your fear speaking.

Your secrets... they are important sweetie. They are your pain and your inner workings... she won't reject you for those. I have spent 2 1/2 yrs trying to get to where I could tell T what I am just now saying to him... in part because I couldn't trust, in part because I was too sure I was crazy too... and I was also too afraid that once I did then the end of seeing him would be getting closer. Tell me that isn't nutz. But he was so kind and gentle and I've gotten to where I know he won't just kick me out.

I don't know your fears or secrets... but you seem like a very nice person. You make me laugh in chat. You don't deserve to suffer... be gentle with yourself.. k?