[Mouse_]

Was having a one on one session with myself all morning. I was daring myself to go to session today and demand T take no more breaks.

Session begun awkard, thought I'd chickened out, spoke about how I feel I Have this spoilt child within me and then blurted out, "I don't want you take anymore breaks".

Actually that when better then I thought it would, I always fear T's reaction will be angry or something, but she always knows how to respond as if we are having just a tete a tete.

We talked a whole lot more and T said, "would you like me to send you a postcard?" Oh that felt so nice!, I said, yes that would be good.

A lot of talk about how non competitive I am, how I avoid feeling any disappointment and realised like my last drinking days when the alcohol wasn't "doing it for me" any more, my denial of what I feel and desire isn't working any longer now, and I have no option but to go to T and talk about things that are most painful.

I did ask if it was possible to do therapy in silence? LOL! and T said, "actually its been done, a guy when to a kleinian therapist and just sat there silent for 6months and then said thank you very much, this has been most useful, and left!! " LOL!

I shall look forward to THAT postcard come August!

T has a way of not having to give way, but to offer things that help fill that hole within. My head terrifys me and tells me that I will never get filled up,but thats never the case.

[Mouse_]

On futher reflection. I remember saying how I am terrified that all I've said about my upbringing is untrue if I have this spoilt child within me, and perhaps I did overpower my mother and all her "training and rules" should have been enought for me to learn.

T said, you feel wanting me to stay and look after you, take care of you is being spoilt? er, I guess it doesn't. I see even more now how my mothers unconsious communication with me was that I must never demand anything off her because she can't cope with my wants and needs.

Suddenly my wanting T to not go doesn't seem so huge or unreasonable now, and her calmness in responding to my "demand" is so warming.

T said, this reminds me of a baby lying in a cot waking up and wanting to cry and be held, but afraid too. Sigh, yes my denial of wanting to be soothed/comforted begun very early, hence my non competitive nature in life, I refused to accept that loosing reminded me of not getting something, but I've been running from this hot seering pain within, except now, its no longer possible to run, I am actually for the first time accepting that looking forward to recieving Ts postcard is ok, its ok to want something nice from someone.

I can't believe that all wkend I'd been feeling like a spoilt brat because the feelings inside don't want T to go in the summer, but now its been aired, they feel pretty average and even dare I say??? Ok to have said!, I see now how much I wasn't able to ask for love growing up, its like learning to speak in a new language.

[Sannah]

Mouse, it is good that you are voicing this little girl's needs to T. This is how she is going to grow up!

That will be a happy postcard to get

It's so wonderful when our T's show us that our feelings, needs, and wants are not unreasonable, but are actually okay and are actually accepted. I love that she is giving that to you.