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Grand Magnate
Member Since Dec 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,124
15 |
#1
first, the apology: i'm tired. beyond belief. i do know i am flitting in and out of threads, but not really following them up. ditto to ppl who pm me. i'm so sorry, and i wish i had the energy to reply, but i can't right now. i feel awful because (especially to those ppl i need to reply to pms for). even this apology sounds clunky. almost like iff i just write the word then it'll convey the feeling, without me expressing it myself. im feeling quite dead, to be honest.
i dont know even how much sense this making. im gonna leave that there. just wanted to expresss somethng like - thanks for pming/respond to my posts, i want to follow them up and i will when i can get head/heart back into gear. next, the question: im increasinly starting to want this T/pdoc thingy to go back to the business transaction model. i go, i pay, T imparts knowledge, i change. ditto pdoc - i go, i pay, pdoc prescribes, i... have a reduction in symptoms, or something. none of this trust stuff, or opening up stuff, or genuine communication or relating or anything. i really like with new-T how there isn't a genuine relationship or anything right now. i just go, we talk about my ocd thing, about me wanting to exercise and blah blah and then i leave. he has said some things which have really hurt me in the past, but i don't really want to address them anymore, because i know it'll open us up a bit to getting closer, or something. i dont want there to be any sort of acknowledgement about 'us', i just want it to be about me and my stuff and no sort of connection that might eventually draw me in and want me to trust that person. or... kind of... i just want to maintain my independence and separateness. not encourage anything that might make me break and want to rely on someone else in the future. this is ok with new-T, i just need to be aware of what leads where, and make sure i dont take the wrong path. but with pdoc, who's already in my inner sanctum, i don't know how to 'reset' the relationship. i want to get that distance back. i dont know how to do it. just looking for suggestions. |
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Legendary
Member Since Jan 2007
Location: U.S.
Posts: 10,383
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#2
deli, how often do you see your T? How often your pdoc? A simple way to cut back on intimacy is to not see them so frequently. I see my PNP once a month for prescriptions. Last time, I didn't see in her in person, but we did a phone chat so she could check up on how I was doing on my meds. This really did cut down on the personal interaction. We only spoke 10 minutes or less and did not really connect but accomplished the "business" of the call efficiently. So you could try phone sessions to pull back from pdoc if you want. You've written here so fondly of your pdoc many times--do you really want to pull back?
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Deli, since what you have written seems a different impulse than before, I wonder if sitting on these feelings for a while would be helpful? Maybe things will seem different in a couple of weeks. If you really want to pull back from pdoc, you could discuss with him and maybe he could help with this. Or add his insights. __________________ "Therapists are experts at developing therapeutic relationships." |
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deliquesce, Pomegranate
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Administrator
Community Support Team Member Since Apr 2009
Location: west coast, USA
Posts: 26,221
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#3
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I feel stupid saying this, deli, but I rather admire the stand you're taking. It sounds shockingly contrary to all sorts of doctrine about what's supposed to be good for us, but I do think it would be best for you to be able to choose whatever distance/relationship (or non-relationship) suits you. I also wouldn't want to see you stuck with your choice, if you should change your mind later on. I'm not at all prepared to defend this position, which is probably why I feel stupid stating it right now. Sorry to add that I have no suggestions for "resetting" your relationship with your pdoc -- only, have you any idea how it may have gotten off-center for you in the first place? -------------------------------------- Call me self-actualizing or call me schizoid, I'll answer to either one. |
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deliquesce
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: US
Posts: 13,284
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#4
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Can you just tell your pdoc what you wrote here and see what he says about it? Sorry if I'm off track here. Just trying to help. |
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deliquesce
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Member Since Nov 2008
Posts: 15,166
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#5
((((((((((((( dear deli )))))))))))))))))
with great affection, believe me - i think you are headed down a wrong track here.... avoiding the pain is human nature; it is what keeps people away from, or makes them leave, therapy..... but it doesn't heal..... this is coming from someone who wishes so much to say what you're saying here, but truly I see no long term good coming from it..... we are sharing the same space go gently with yourself, be open with T, it will hurt but I know there is healing onthe other side of it. And come with me today, will you? it's going to be a hard one. I'll let you share P7's blanket, I've still got it |
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deliquesce
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Dec 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,124
15 |
#6
thank you all so much for your replies. i really feel like i'm losing the plot right now. things are getting very intense in my head, i cannot keep up.
see pdoc once a week, see T once a week. so kind of like two therapy sessions in one week, but we work on different stuff that needs attention. with pdoc it is general stuff (whatever comes up), with T it is uni work. Quote:
i don't think phone sessions would work, because i'm not good at waiting for calls (or emails - like that thread about Ts not replying) and pdoc isn't a very reliable person to return calls. i'm not sure about pulling back. i'm quite torn about it really. but at the moment i'm not coping, and something needs to give somewhere. Quote:
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it went off centre in the first place because pdoc actively encouraged it. i'm one of those clients who goes into therapy with their battle armour on, locked deep inside a castle with the moat around it and bridge drawn up. and pdoc kept knocking, so eventually i let him in, but now that he's here it's like i'm using him to defend me from attack instead of doing things myself. and there's also the growing uneasiness that maybe he will turn against me and kill me in my sleep. so i kind of want to herd him out again, to protect both him and myself. Quote:
so it's pdoc where the trust issue is getting in the way, i dont know. i just need to let this go. maybe i'm just feeling like i dont want to work on the hard stuff right now. Quote:
i just dont know if its healing, for me to rely on someone else. maybe it's like... trusting someone is good, but it also feels like i've given over all my power now, and i want it back. i feel hopeless without that control, and trusting pdoc feels like it's taken away all of my control. and now i feel dependent on him, and i'm acting as if i'm dependent on him, and being dependent on someone is abhorrent to me. i think he might be sick of it also. |
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Administrator
Community Support Team Member Since Apr 2009
Location: west coast, USA
Posts: 26,221
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15 5,114 hugs
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#7
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Oh, one more thing: I've found that when I don't pay any attention to my weight, it yo-yos a bit but pretty much stays within bounds. A couple of times, years ago, when I did want to lose weight, what I mostly managed to do was obsess about eating -- and slowly and painfully gain. Quote:
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