[Tmac]

I am having a hard time because of therapy. I have a very blank mind of my childhood. I know of the bad things that happened, but what gets me is when I am asked about things I can not remember. So I think and search trying to find the answers. I do not obsess over it however I get very frustrated at how little I actually remember. Last session I was asked about sleeping arrangements growing up being the only girl out of 5 kids. All I could tell the T was I had my own room when we first moved into the home I spent most of my childhood in. I remember being put into a small room like a walk through closet that all 4 brothers had to go through to get to their room, then as a punishment for not keeping my room how my mother liked it was switched with one brother. I shared a room at that point with 3 of the boys and was eventually put back in the closet as I call it. It was small enough for a twin bed and 1 chest of drawers. I also knew at the age of 19 when I moved out I did actually have my own room no one had to go through. So she starts asking how old was I when the arrangements took place. Now I feel like a fool because I could not answer her! So in a quest to not feel so stupid I did find 1 photo to answer the only question I can now answer I was 16 when I got my own room back. The rest.....I do NOT know. I am frustrated even though I knew I could not remember most of growing up only that the bad did happen. I want to try to remember the GOOD not the bad. I am just wondering how many others have issues like this and if it totally frustrates you like it is me. I have only been in T since March and I am 41. There is so much of my life that is blank, and since an assault in October, I have been dissociating a lot and doing things like making phone calls in the middle of the night I have NO memory of. I have not even mentioned this to my T but she does know I dissociate because I do it during sessions. I am still having trust issues with her and not sure about telling her about my actions of late.

Anyway, I am just wondering how many people have the issues with the blank memories of growing up. I did tell her it annoys me I can not remember and try to find the answers and was told that it is very common due to trauma. That does not make me feel any better because I want the answers, I hate feeling stupid when I am asked these questions and do not have the answers. Sometimes it almost feels like someone else lived my life for me.....I want to find that person to get the answers. I hope this makes sense to someone because it is a very lonely feeling at times when you can not remember and worse you can not stop the thinking that therapy causes.

[snow77]

Hi Tmac, yes I can really understand this not remembering a lot of my childhood. The bits I do remember are of school and not homelife much at all at least under the age of eleven I cant remember anything other than being told off when I was very young aged around 3 I think, I opened a pressent on Christmas day which was not mine to open and was told Christmas was over for me. Odd how I can remember that!?
I also understand your fustration with not remembering as I find that too its very anoying too, I always thought it odd that I cant remember my early childhood. I dont think it is being stupid I think things have happend which as a child there was a need to block out.
Therapy making you think too much is something I stuggle with too as I find it very draining and sometimes wish I could just stop going, but know I cant as I have to find some kind of answers.
Best wishes
Snow77

[Michah]

Babe, I didn't talk to my first T for the beginning 13 weeks......And then I would walk out mid-session if she even brought my childhood up! She had the patience of a saint! I cannot remember anything before the age of 14. Big chunks gone and it took 7 years to try and nut a fraction of it out.......and most of it came in snippets of dreams.......not very therapeutic!!

Don't beat yourself up. I would like to say that it will come to you, but I can't guarantee that either. It never did for me. I still managed to get healing, as will you......

Good luck, sweetie......

i wouldn't worry too much...i remember some parts of growing up and nothing of other parts...there was a huge amount of abuse...sexual, emotional and physical. i figure it this way...the lack of memories are a blessing.

i have some...a few good memories of my mother...none...honestly of my father...and my sister...and a few good of my brother. those that i do have are okay...don't need any more, don't want any more.

i do think that as your mind and body get stronger they allow you heal and recall more....which fall under the theory "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger" theory.

so...i'm sure that as time goes on i'll recall more...i don't worry about it like i used too...i used to wonder why i had this intense hatred of my sister from almost birth...now...i don't. something awful must have happened. don't need to know, don't want to know. i'm 51, she's 50, we haven't spoke in 19 years ..don't see things changing.

my childhood confuses me so i'm sure it confuses t..plus with all the peeps inside...geez...we both need a scorecard!

I am realizing too that I don't remember much before I was in the 4th grade. Perhaps it is a blessing like Stumpy said. But I am remembering more, and the bad part of that is, I wish I didnt' know now.
I know it is frustrating not to know, it sounds like you are trying really hard to get better, but be kind to yourself. You can't help it if you don't remember.

[ECHOES]

sometimes it's hard to think IN the therapy session, so I have to respond with something like "I'll have to think about that some more." The I *might* be able to think more about it when I'm alone. or I might continue to not let myself thing about it. without meaning to, i do things that stop my thinking or distract me from thinking.
As my T says, you will remember when you remember. There isn't any time limit and it's okay. Trust the process.

[Tmac]

Thank you for the support. I understand that not remembering is supposed to be good to protect us from the bad. I guess it is just annoying and frustrating because I feel like I should be able to remember. I too remember bits and pieces of things but want o remember more. For instance when my brothers are talking about things we did as kids. We did some crazy and fun stuff, and with my older brother recently passing away they talk more about some of that crazy stuff we did. I sit and laugh like I do remember, which makes me want to remember more. Also the simple questions asked in T that are annoying to not remember. I guess it is the quest for answers and not finding them is what is more frustrating to me. Thanks again for the support.

[ECHOES]

I want to remember more too. When my siblings talk and remember things, I feel jealous that I can't do that. I remember when they tell it, but I would have never remembered on my own. I just draw a blank most of the time.