TERRIBEL, terrible, therapy experience.....

(((hangingon))),

I am SO sorry this is happening to you!

I agree with everyone. I've seen my T for 6 years and she never cancelled a session! Maybe a couple of times she called me to change the time or date. That's all. She knows consistency is very important to me.

I thought of one explanation that could explain your T's behavior but it doesn't excuse it. She said she was taking personal leave, not vacation. That rang a bell for me. Could it be that she or someone close to her is ill, or that there is some serious problem in her personal life? Something major may be going on, or why would she take "personal leave" and not call it vacation? Maybe she will be so preoccupied that she won't be able to read emails.

Of course a T's personal life should be separate from her professional work of being a competent T. It just seems like something is going on with her, and she is letting it interfere with her work. It's not your fault at all! I don't know if you should go back or not unless you can settle this with her. Maybe it's best to find someone else.

(((((((((((((((Hangingon))))))))))))))))) I'm sorry this happened to you. I agree with everyone here, your T was very unprofessional. Consistency is very important. A lot of us face abandonment fears, T cancelling so much would trigger me. I have been seeing T for almost two years x2 and 3x weekly, he has never canceled once. He is there when he says he will be. That consistency helps me overcome my fears and become more trusting and open.

You've become quite fond of this T but you need to find someone who you can work with and will be there for you. Is there a trusted friend or a doctor you know who you can ask for a referal? You have this week to think about what you want to do. I would go see her next week to see where she is at, but I believe she handled this situation poorly. Do you think you can work this through with her and move on??? That's what you have to ask yourself. What happens when she cancels again? How are you going to feel? You need to answer these questions and see whether she can meet your needs. You are working very hard to heal from the abuse you endured. That requires that you work with someone who can be there while you uncover and face the pain. I'm trying to heal too, I would be unable to do it with someone who did not offer me consistency, safety, understanding, empathy, availability, and support.

(((((hangingon)))))

I have been seeing my therapist for 2.5 years and he has canceled once. He is in private practice. If anything, I think Ts in private practice need to cancel less so they won't lose their clients and referral base. My previous T, also in private practice, never canceled a single time in the 6 months I saw her. Both of those Ts, as well as my daughter's T and our family therapist, had very firm policies on cancellation. If the client canceled with less than 24 hours in advance (48 for one T), they had to pay the full session fee. Did your T cancel with little notice or well in advance? If she canceled regularly on short notice, I think she needs to give you some sort of compensation for the effort you put in to save that spot on yoru schedule for her, get work release, rearrange other meetings, etc. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

My T and I have a different arrangement from yours. We do not see each other at the same time each week. Each time I see him, it is a different day and time. He would have a hard time seeing me the same time each week since his schedule is so changeable during business hours because of his coaching responsibilities. If I needed the same time each week, I would have to have one of his evening appointments, which are very popular. So I don't have the consistency of the same day/time each week, but because of our flexibility, we set appointments (1-2 weeks in advance) at times that T knows he will be available. So he does not cancel on me. I'm telling you this because I wonder if this sort of arrangement would suit both you and your T? She could have more control over her weekly schedule since it sounds like she has obligations that call her away frequently, and you would have the reassurance that the times she did schedule you (different each week) would be appointments she would definitely keep.

So that's a suggestion for middle ground, but frankly, I don't see your T trying very hard to mend the rupture between you. She is acting like it is all your fault and your responsibility to fix the relationship.

As has been said, she sounds very defensive about her frequent cancellations and was severely back pedaling to try to cover her *****. This sounds like the behavior of a person who has known or suspected all along that she was in the wrong for her behavior. She sounds very immature and can't own up to errors when she makes them. Also, it seems odd to me she wouldn't suggest something like the solution I described above. This seems like it offers both flexibility for her and no-cancellation for you. If she wanted to mend the rupture, she would propose compromises like that, IMO. Instead, you end up apologizing to her instead of vice versa, and she seems to suggest that in a week's time you may come to your senses and understand how wrong you are. Gag. She thinks highly of herself, doesn't she?

I hope you get some helpful guidance from your counselor.

I'm not sure that I even know what to say. I'm sorry that things went so badly for you.

My T told me once that defensiveness comes from trying to protect something. Sounds as if she is doing that about her cancellations. It feels like it's her issue that is interfering with your feeling safe in the relationship. My therapy for the most part was done on the same day and at the same time. He cancelled once (he was sick) and changed a time once, but that was it. Consistency helps you to feel safe and secure. These things are very important in a relationship where trust is the key.

I hope that talking with your counselor is helpful to you. I'm very sorry for your bad experience.

My reaction also was SHOCK at reading your post. I would feel just as devastated as you do. The conversation strikes me as very strange from her end.

No doubt in my mind that she reacted badly. It sounds like she was very defensive. She may believe that she was honest with you when she said it's normal for private practice t's to cancel alot, but I don't think it's true. My t isn't private practice, but i will tell you that in 10 years, she has only cancelled a session 3 times -- always for something major and unexpected (her house burned, sick child). I disagree with her that your counting the number of times she cancelled is unusual. I would have done it myself. As other posters have said, many of them still remember how many times their t has cancelled on them (so they also counted).

I think your t exaggerated what you were asking for. You kept telling her you just wanted a little more consistency, but she insisted you wanted "absolutes." I didn't see in anything you wrote that you wanted absolutes. I think the type of conistency you need is very normal and necessary and something that most other therapy patients expect from their t's. Not anything out of line at all.

As far as trying to understand why she was acting so strangely (you said she's never been this way before). . .I wondered the same thing Rainbow did. . .whether your t (or someone close to her) is ill. It would explain only why she'd be taking 3 weeks of personal leave. Also, if she's worried about whatever is going on, she would be more likely to be emotionally reactive and behave in ways that aren't normal for her. It would also explain why she has cancelled so much, and why she says she can't guarantee you consistency now.

I also wondered why she was taking on more work in addition to her full-time job. Again, this could be because there's some medical crisis going on in her family, and they need more money.

It doesn't excuse what she said and did -- but it might be an explanation.

The important thing in my mind is that, for whatever reason, your t cannot provide the consistency you need. I think this much is true. She has already demonstrated that by cancelling 8 times. Considering that she is going to be working full-time + 2 nights a week, she is going to be very busy. She has made it pretty clear that the inconsistency will probably continue, and she also recognizes that this is probably not what you need.

As horrible as this experience has felt for you, it's good you found this out now, only 6 months into therapy with her, rather than a couple of years down the road when you were even more attached to her. Unless you think that you can tolerate this continued inconsistency, and her defensiveness and poor reaction to being questioned, i would suggest you seriously consider finding a new therapist. I know how hard it would be since you already feel somewhat attached. But you are likely to find someone else that is better suited to your needs, more consistent, and who you will feel happier with in general.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. . . I can just imagine how it must feel.

To Reflection......my responses to your questions are italicized ..

Thank you, I didn't feel safe in there at all. She kept asking me to
tell her what I was feeling and when I would say things, like the
vacation thing. Here I am writing her in a state of hurt and her
writing me to come in and see her, then saying in the email oh I will
be gone for 3 weeks in July. I said to her in session, thanks for
putting that in the email when I was already having a hard time.
Thats when she sat up in her chaired and huffed, she was so
ticked.
(I was thinking you just told me to tell you how I feel and now your
acting like that. How can I feel safe to tell her?)

Sunrise,

Actually my T and I plan our session time for the following week right after session. They are not always at the same time on the same day.

When I say consistency, I am not even asking for the same hour on the same day.
I am asking that I can have weekly sessions without changes or cancellations so frequently, thats it. We set the appointment time in her schedule book, thats why I am still in aw that it happened so much.

Coconut,
I will try my best to go next week. If I can even walk through the door.
As far as working through it yet, I don't know that I feel safe enough in there now to do so. There would need to be some serious apologizing and recognition of my hurt to trust her.

Peaches and Rainbow,
No I don't believe anyone in her family is ill. I could be wrong but her cancellations were due to being sick with a cold once, flat tire, ect...
As far as extra work, she is actually going to be working full time somewhere else and cut back on her private practice, I don't know why though.
Again, I have never confronted her about anything in the beginning, so maybe thats how she is with confrontation.

Deli,
I was thinking the same thing about her not liking me getting info from outside sources.
Maybe thats why she won't refer me to anyone. Maybe she doesn't want me telling them what took place. I have emails ect....who knows, her response of not even having a referal really got to me. Totally unprofessional, almost like I'll show you....

Bether,
Thank you, I think all of us in therapy need consistency. I am sure when my T was in therapy she needed the same. She went for 7 years, then 3 more is school for psychology. Maybe I should have brought that up but she would have probably said it's none of your business at that point. Even though she told me in the beginning she did that. She was so nice and sweet in the beginning.

Peaches,

Maybe she never acted this way before because I had never confronted her about anything, just went along with things.
The first time I confronted her was about 2 weeks ago and I could tell she was not vey happy with it. Then the past email about the changes/cancellations is when some true colors really came out.

Again, I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt but I really think she want's to get rid of me,even though she says she doesn't. I believe she is just saying that because she's waiting for the words to come out of my mouth that she is not what I need, then the termination is all on me. Her actions speak very loud to me.

My school counselor called me this morning.
She said, I wanted to call you rather than email you. She said I am going away on vacation till july. I have some time on monday if you want to come in then. But I can't because I have class. So she said would you like to schedule in July. She said, I don't want to push it, we don't have to do it now if you don't want to. I did end up scheduling with her for July 7th.

Then she said, I am really sorry you had such a terrible experience with therapy. I didn't even go into it over the phone, just gave her about a paragraph in email. I wanted to bust out crying as soon as she called me but I didn't. She asked me a little about school and how I was. She was sweet.

So maybe if it doesn't work out with my T, I can see my school counselor until I am done school, which will be this december. I have meet with her a few times before. She doesn't get defensive with me. One time I got flustered with her and she actually said, I like this. I said what, she said this interaction, I like that you are expressing yourself. Because I never show anger.
She has even cried with me once.

(((((hangingon)))))

your school counsellor sounds gorgeous. i am glad you have someone like her right now, even if she is on vacation for a while (how frustrating!!).

my absolute honest opinion... and others might disagree with me here... is that nothing good is going to come of you gonig back to your T next week . you will just be paying her more, and i doubt she will apologise and try to rectify things. she has made that much clear already.

i could *almost* (almost, if i really stretch my mind... but even then it's a stretch) believe she would act that way if you had come in and told her that without any warning. e.g., if she had been put on the spot, she might have reacted defensively, even though it's not the right way to react to a client.

BUT - the fact that you gave her warning... that she knew you were upset... that she insisted *you* were the one who was a problem...

makes me think... you should be done with her. don't give her the courtesy of going back one more time and engaging with her crap. personally, i would be a bit vindictive and not cancel (see how she like it ) but then, maybe you would have to pay for a cancellation, and she doesn't deserve any more of your money!!

so what grown-up deli would do () would be to send her an email, saying you would like to cancel your sessions immediately, since you see no value in consulting someone who cannot behave professionally when respectfully confronted with something they have that is not helpful. mention that you already have another counsellor on board, one who can make and keep commitments, and then wish her all the best for her future practice.

(and if needed, you can let her know that deli will grouch on her if she dares to ever cross you again ).

I agree with deli. I wouldn't go back at all. In fact I wouldn't have even scheduled another session with her, but that's just me. It's ultimately your decision.

wow Hanginginon, I must say this sounds about right. I am upset for you and angry for you (of course I get angry easily but still). First this woman tells you that you are wrong to seek whether your reactions are normal, it's not about normal - I would say seeking this was reasonable - but then she turns around and says that it's "not normal" for a private practice T not to cancel frequently. But THIS truly is NOT about normal; it is about the therapeutic relationship of only you and her, and she is breaking her end of the "therapeutic frame".

One of the basic responsibilities of the client is to show up. Conversely, one of the basic responsibilities of the T is to show up.

I have an aunt who gave her son a shirt and when he sent it down to the wash, she hid it and waited for him to ask where it was, and when he didn't, she said, you really don't like it do you? This is what she accused you of when you said, you have rescheduled or cancelled me 8 times - but it's not true Hangingon, ANYONE would notice that it was becomeing a pattern on her end and would stop to count up the times.

Ooooh, how defensive and power abusive she seems to me. I don'tthink it is a matter of trying to get you to tolerate more uncertainty - you are supposed to be allowed to go at your own pace, and making you cry so much is not how it's done. I am not a professional; i'm not even an experienced client; but I am a human being and expect to be treated with respect, and you too and I don't think you got it.

please don't judge all T's by the way this one has acted. Surely she is a rarity. NOW HEAR THIS: You have done nothing wrong.

HUGS

Hangingon, I haven't read many of the responses to this thread yet, but I am feeling so outraged by your t's behavior! You had every right to talk to her about her frequent cancellations and her defensive reactions were totally wrong and inappropriate.

It really sounds like she has some personal issues going on that leaked out into your therapy. Maybe that is why she needs to take 3 weeks personal leave in July. Sounds like she may be having burnout, and it may have nothing to do with you at all.

My T is extremely busy and dealing with an elderly sick parent, and she has only cancelled once in the past 5 years. I only see her twice a month, but still. She is not in priavte practice and has a very busy and tight schedule. I think your T may be cancelling due to her own personal issues. It's really sad that she would react that way to you when she should have been very proud of the way you spoke up and expressed your feelings appropriately. You were not demanding or needy at all. In DBT, they teach us to do exactly what you did! I am proud of you!

hangingon, I can't believe how your T has been taking advantage of you! I had no idea that when she canceled your appointments, you were already sitting in her office waiting for her! That is HIGHLY disrespectful, unprofessional, and outrageous. Is she in private practice? If she worked in a clinic, this behavior would not be tolerated by the manager. She should give you at least 24 hours notice, and of course, keep cancellations to a minimum, not 8 times in 6 months! I was also shocked when you reported that other clients told her "no" when she asked if she could change their sessions. She is REALLY taking advantage of your good will and difficulty saying "no" by changing appointments and cancelling on you so frequently. Basically, she said to you, "I don't mistreat my other clients like I do you, because they don't let me get away with it." That is terrible. I could not see a T who thought so little of me and walked on me like a doormat.

Personally, I don't see how this rupture between you could get repaired unless she comes crawling, profusely apologizes, has an action plan for how she will change, etc. I don't see her doing that based on what you have told us. I am at a loss.... (((((hangingon)))))

I'm sorry you are hurting. Cancellations are so hard and you are right consistency is very important. My T's office originally cancelled my Wed appt but then I called and asked if there was another time and got 4pm.

during the session, my T mentioned they cancelled me for this other patient that needed two sessions. I go twice a week. I said oh so I was pushed aside then...

I think its better we don't know why they cancel, it hurts more. At least in my case. Its not that I am not sensitive to others needs but it hurt knowing that someone else was more important than me. it wouldn't have bothered me so much if they had tried to find another time for me but I had to call.

I'm really sorry that your T said some of the things she did.

Your T has some serious issues...she is completely unprofessional.

My T has a private practice with her husband. She does her own paperwork, billing, scheduling. She also teaches, and presents at conferences. She has only been known to cancel for severe illness. She would never behave like your T. I bet most Ts wouldn't behave like your T. I would strongly consider dumping this T. Her life isn't together enough to handle giving therapy.

I know it's hard, but you can learn to trust a T again. Don't be like me...who encountered a bad T and was too afraid to get help for 12 years afterwards.

I'm with deli (#28): nothing good can come of seeing her for another session. I think you should cancel, giving her sufficient notice so that you're not stuck paying for the session. I see where you've already taken a different tack (Sending this to T) but you could still change your mind.

Did you know that Fools are qualified to diagnose therapists? Yours sounds to me as if she's on the brink of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and I'm not even sure on which side of the brink.

Best of luck getting shook of this T, hangingon, and may your next one be much better for you. That doesn't sound like a very tall order, btw.

Hangingon,

I don't come to psychcentral often and so haven't followed your previous threads. I read this thread and it made me feel so sad for you.

I see my T twice weekly (and as for your T's comments on that - well there are different kinds of therapy and with some types it's normal to see a therapist twice ... or even 4 or 5 times a week). In my case, it helped me connect and trust with him.

Like you, I too have big issues with consistency and trust - probably linked to childhood abuse. I've seen my T for over 2 years, twice a week, and he canceled for the first time just a few weeks ago. It brought up a lot of feelings and *anger* in me and he canceled because he was ill. I knew my anger was unreasonable and I felt ashamed of myself but I was able and safe to share how it felt - both my rational self, which was very concerned for him, and my irrational self that wanted to scream at him for leaving and tell him I'd never trust him again! The last weeks due to various unavoidable circumstances (canceled trains, public holidays... his vacations, my vacations) my time has been changed or I could only see him once in a week. But it's shaken me and he's worked hard to restore my sense of safety.

As for counting missed sessions - what's odd about that? It's sensible in any case to check you're not being charged for a session you don't attend, and when the number gets that high, anyone would start wondering what's going on.

Now, I take my experience and I compare it with yours - I think your reaction is normal for someone in your situation - I think you have coped admirably considering the number of times your T has canceled. I too would be devastated by the things she said in the last session. She doesn't seem to have a clue how this feels. The therapist represents something (someone) very special to the patient/client - my therapist once said "just remember I've been where you are, and I know how it feels". The comment your T made about taking personal leave and NOT being contactable seemed plain insensitive. There are ways to say these things and times to say them - and she seemed to say it in that moment because it would cause hurt or to make a point. If my T would say that, I'd worry something awful was happening - it would make me feel abandoned and unwanted. Actually, it's the kind of hurtful thing my mother would say, which is in effect "I'm taking time for myself, it's none of your business what or why I'm taking that time and I'll be 'around' but I'm going to be unavailable to you, so tough".

This is just so sad. I know whatever happens with this T it's going to be painful, and I don't know the history/what's come before. My feeling is that there are really good T's out there - ones who get you and get 'this' and would never dream in a million years of conducting a session like your last one. Your current T sounds defensive. Maybe she is having a personal crisis and can't function enough to do her work. I think you deserve better, much better. She's going to be unavailable for a few weeks, why not consider interviewing for someone else. I'd be thankful she hasn't got anyone in mind she will refer you to as if she finds this kind of treatment acceptable of a therapist, who knows what her colleagues think.

I don't know what kind of therapy you have but perhaps a therapy where the therapist a) has had their own analysis/therapy as part of their training and b) where the focus is on attachment and transference and THE RELATIONSHIP are emphasized would be more suitable?

Take care and reassure yourself that you are NORMAL in the way you feel. T's of all people should be reliable and consistent. If you had another kind of doctor and they kept canceling, would you keep seeing them? How about a hairdresser - you turn up and they're not there... I can't think of any profession when this kind of behaviour would be 'ok' - and therapists should be the masters of consistency. It sounds a bit like this T of yours is using her authority to get away with unprofessional behaviour and when someone dares to confront her she becomes defensive and dare I say 'abusive'.

Be safe, take your time, and when you're ready start to look forward once more. It's hard but there is someone out there waiting to be your perfect T.

Onzi

hanginon, i want to echo everybody else's statements! I can't believe she reacted the way she did...how bizarre. I also agree that she is bringing in her own ***** (as my T says! ha), and I hope that you do go in once more to see if maybe she thought about it in this past week and realizes how way off base she was.

It makes me so sad, because you struggled for so long on whether you should stay with your old T or not due to a lack of connection, found the courage to do that, found one you DID connect to...and this! Grrrrr.

I just want to put my experience in there as well. I've seen mine for about 17 months, and she has switched the days on me about 3ish times, and a couple of times I just had to wait until the next week...but it wasn't ever a big deal for me. Just a few weeks ago, she sent me an e-mail about a day or two before our session saying she needed to reschedule, and since my schedule is somewhat flexible, I was able. The first thing she told me when I saw her next was a sincere "Thank you for being able to switch on short notice." I didn't ask what happened, but she knew that it isn't the best of situations--and I'm a patient who has NEVER expressed needing her in any way

I'm sorry, and I hope you can get some closure with all of this--whether it working through it with her, or cancelling and waiting until you can see your school counselor.