Sad :(

No FooZe - not Kansas - a very dark place - the edge of my universe - hope you didnt hurt your head!

thanks Laura2 - I guess I have never allowed myself to be angry about this before - and T has made me realise that its not evil to think this and he says I will survive and he sounded like he meant it

I just wish I could shake this sadness ...

I see pdoc in an hour so have to get ready - hopefully he can help me - thankyou for your kind words

take care P7

saw pdoc - got relaxation tape he made for me - listened to tape - felt better while listeneing - sadness back - T said to just accept it - OK I ACCEPT NOW GO AWAY!!!!!!!!

I have done good things - I have been to movies - I have spent time with others yet everytime I stop.... it returns.....how much longer do I have to put up with this pain....... I know I am whiining - I HATE THAT I AM WHINING - ...dunno......

MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!

((((((((((((((((((((Phoenix))))))))))))))))))))

hmmmm.... i deal with this too. ANd i just had a thought. what if.... we gave the sadness its own room.... and when we feel it come one (aka go home from said event), yes *sigh* acknowledge it... then compartmentalize it into it's own room and allow for other things - enjoy the moment, look for beauty, notice body pain (for me, then send it to go join sadness), and then find (aka create) a space for something new - like... happiness might be a bit of a stretch, but i could feasibly identify "not too bad".... or "not as bad as yesterday" or maybe just notice that i can find a space for feeling "not-bad" and allow that to be cultivated.
sound crazy?

doesnt sound crazy Kiya I just dont seem to be able to do that at the moment - while I am busy the sadness sits in the background - as soon as there is space to feel - it overwhelms me...

T says to acknowledge and accept it - OK! its here I see that - I know where its coming from - the past - I dont have the memories to match the emotion so I cant rationalise it - or understand it - or change the events that caused it - but I know iin my heart thats where it comes from - I accept there are things to be sad about -

I don't know what to do.............. T said I can survive this....... I fall down and I stand up ...but I am getting tired of falling down....... and Im not sure I want to get up any more.... geez just get on with it P7 - move along - build a bridge and GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then I guess i'll just have to sit here with you and encourage you

I've said that too. For some mysterious reason, my stuff doesn't seem to want to clear up till I stop saying that and just let it be.
Sounds to me like you've already shifted from "putting up with it" to moving through it. You're doing just great, believe it or not. Now don't stop; it just takes longer (and hurts more) that way.

By the way, the other thing you're doing just great, is sharing your process with us like this. It doesn't much matter if you can see this right now or not. Just keep doing what you're doing and let the rest of us do the appreciating.



---------------------------------
Whatever you can let be, lets you be.

I believe the best way is to try & acknowledge it for what it "YOU" know it is

you carn't rationalise it due to no memories, just emotion, no you carn't change events that caused it, & mayb sweetheart you may never fully understand all of it

can you accept that,.... work on trying to accept what you do know, what you do feel, never give up hope, but allow your sadness, face it for what it is, that's your right, let it come, then let it go, it will go, do not deny it, it will only get stronger if you do, its in your heart, that cannot be ignored, but please equally accept & remember you have a mighty heart, its strong, & you can survive, phoenix you r a survivor

the bridge might take longer than you hoped, but it can be built, brick by brick, day by day

a digression..... I had a dream a while back - it was about a bridge and on one side people were laughing and having fun and I was on the other side - the bricks of the bridge had words written on them - TFT, CBT, DBT, NLP, and some I couldnt read....

as I went to cross the bridge a weedy man in a too big supermans suit with a large letter P on the front landed in front of me and blocked my way... I asked to go by and he said no he was "Pants up man!" and I could not pass! so I said hey what the heck is a pants up man? and he said well you know all those guys with the little tiny piece of hair hanging down form their short haircuts I fly round and I cut them off! and my other super power (yeah right) is that I fly round and you know those guys with their pants (trousers) half way down their bottoms - well I zoom down and pull them up sooooo high that they can never put them down again! lol

ok I thought - this guys a wimp so I tried to push by him to get to the place where they were all having fun across the bridge and as I touched him he turned into a HUGE HAIRY MONSTER!! but I really wanted to get to the other side so i pushed him and he disappeared and in his place was a mirror and I could see my reflection in it - and I realised the only thing that was stopping me from getting to the other side...was me

I went to touch the mirror but as I touched it my image and the mirror shattered into a thousand pieces..... and then I woke up.

Sorry the bridge thing reminded me - I know the only thing that is stopping me is me..... I need to accept me.....T says that..... and that I need to love me - but I dont think that is possible.....

Take all the time you need. Sometimes (not always) the impossible does take a little longer.

BTW, it could turn out to be as simple as letting go of unloving and unaccepting yourself.

---------------------------
Unleash Wise Mind.

as horrible as it felt, & prob still does, i think the dream is a good thing, your mind is wrestling with so much, trying to make sense of it all, trying to help you deal with this, it all means something, & you see what its trying to tell you

but i know seeing this, & knowing this, can feel like a million miles away from actually feeling it, believing it, it is so easy to say, i know

T is right, you do need to love you, which may feel impossible right now, my T always says to me, "small steps", nothing can ever be rushed, work on accepting first, be kind to yourself, having the ability & belief to love yourself is no small feat

as with loving anyone in life, it takes time, lots of faith, & buckets of trust

small steps phoenix

((((((((((((((((p7)))))))))))))))

i've missed seeing you on here p7. you are always so encouraging and sweet to everyone. i'm sorry you're so sad. would a good cry help at all? if not then just keep on keeping on. it will pass even though it doesn't seem like it. maybe you can think of yourself as you would a friend. you treat everyone so well so maybe you can take a small baby step and treat yourself nicely too. you aren't bad. you are a very lovely person. i think you expect waaaaaaaaaaay too much from yourself.

as for forgiving others i've found it not to be a one-time thing but more of a repeated process. sometimes it takes me quite awhile to forgive certain people because they've done so much crud i have trouble really washing them out of my hair. i have to rinse and repeat.

i love the humor in your dream! pants up man. hee hee.

phoenix7

I can hear that you are struggling with a lot but seem to be taking some forward steps also. You have offered me great advice and support in the past. I know from a post a while back that you felt you were losing 'you', i didn't realise it back then that the 'you' from before is a lot like my controller, someone that masks and copes.

You do right to stay in a place of safety with people who i can tell care for you a great deal. Therapy is so hard, i wish it could be an easier process.

Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

(((FooZe)))) thinnk wise mine has gone out for coffee! lol

(((laura2))) I guess I have to revise my definition of love first -

Love = using someone for your purposes while not accepting that the other person has emotional needs too - attempting to fill those needs or accepting the other person even exists for anyhting other than your needs grrrrrr

This has been my definitionof love for many years and that is why I have left it out of my life as unnecessary adn undesirable - careing is different - I understand careiing . hmm didnt realise how angry the word love makes me till now.......

((((Abby))) yes she masked and coped - and that seems an easier path - but I was just surface dwelling and not living.... I guess I have to get through this to get to the other side of the bridge and maybe these are just the pains I get from walkingon the broken glass on the road to get there.....

((reflection))) washing and rinsing as we speak! lol

somthing strange is happening....I dont feel quite so sad ....and this makes me afraid because I am afraid the sadness wil come back even worse ..... or maybe it is the lessening of the sadness that will amke it appear to be even worse if/when it comes back....... dunno.....

I should just be happy its gone down a bit..... shouldnt I

maybe this will explain my fear - I had steroids injected into a disc space in my back once and I couldnt work out what the difference was that I felt until I realised that i didnt have pain - WOW that was amazing and great! and then gradually over the next 3 days the pain came back - somehow not having the pain for a while made the pain coming back worse because before I didnt remember what it felt like not to have pain and now I did .... for a while... and that was worse than just having the paiin ..... did that make any sense........

Procedure for getting across the bridge:

Put
one
foot
in
front
of
the
other.

Repeat as many times as necessary.

Good. Just keep noticing. Notice the sadness coming and going. Notice yourself thinking it's strange. Notice yourself thinking about what'll happen next. Notice whatever actually does happen next.

I think for a relative novice you're a whiz at this processing stuff, and I love hearing you share about it. (I probably shouldn't have told you this -- now you're going to do like that centipede that forgot how to run. )

ok one foot - OUCH!!! other one EEK! - if I was a centapede Id get to theother side faster lol