[phoenix7]

I got triggered by some anger on the boards - it took me back to my childhood where there was anger -and shouting - which usually led to violence - and it left with with a deep seemingly unending sadness - which I still have .

I sent T a text (he's on hols and said I could ring him - but I counldnt) and explained what had happened and said jst ext back yes or no as to whether you thing I can get past this and be ok - because at the moment it seems like it will never end and I cant bear that.

Well... T rang - and I think I was a bit rude to him - the first thing i said was - you obviously didnt read the part where I said just text back yes or no did you!!! - he didnt deserve that after ringing me on his holiday! I am so angry and disappointed at me for doing that....

anyway usually after talking to T i feel better - but the sadness hasnt lifted ... T says its good I am feeling things rather than shutting them down - but I dont know how much longer I can take this level of sadness.... I have an appointment with T tomorrow so I am hoping that stops this..... T said to do fun things in the meantime - to stay around people - so I am here amoungst my friends at PC and I have been out with my neice and nephew....but the sadness always comes back.....and it is so strong ...

so my question is this.. what do you do when it feels like the sadness will suck you down so far that you will never be able to get up again....

P7- I don't know what to do about the sadness I am in a bad place right now and totally out of ideas for good ways to cope with things.

I do remember that when T was on vacation, and I had to deal with things on my own, I found out that feelings came and went. I didn't have to "do" anything about them...they changed eventually. Sometimes from bad to okay, sometimes from good to bad...but if I was patient, the bad feelings didn't stay forever.

I'm really glad you're reaching out on the boards. That is a good thing to do

And I'm REALLY glad you see T tomorrow. I'm glad he's back, and I hope it helps to go and feel his caring in person.

Until then, here are some for you.

[MissCharlotte]

Phoenix,
I am so sorry you are feeling so sad. I have been triggered often on the boards and know I have to protect myself first and foremost. This is especially true when we are getting in touch with younger, wounded parts of ourselves in therapy.
Just today I was reading my journal from last fall and winter and I see how very sad and depressed I was. I had several ruptures with T and my therapy was reaching such deep levels of sadness. I coped by writing a lot of poetry; journaling and really trying to write out my feelings--give them words. It might also help to draw, paint, color, collage, any sort of expression you can manage. Also, movement might help--yoga, treadmill, anything to get the blood flowing and the endorphins released. I also wound up increasing my antidepressants because I was in trouble with my depression, but that's a very personal decision.
Try not to isolate as that only makes the sadness worse--but I know it's hard.

((((((((((((phoenix7))))))))))

[phoenix7]

Thanks Treehouse - sorry you are in pain

Thanks MissCharlotte - I have been isolating myself - my old you dont deserve any support because you dont belong anywhere - dont fit in - kicks in- and the fact that it was always safer to hide on my own when things got loud and angry....

I am trying to write -but its like all the energy has been sucked out of me....

thankyou - I guess coming back here is the first step...

[Brightheart]

When I was feeling this way, I would try to find something beautiful and fill myself with it. My things would be listening to my favorite music, writing a poem, watching scenic DVDs, listening to one of the kids laughing, letting my H hold me...sometimes even just having a nice long cry to release the pain.

I think that everyone has to find their own way through these difficult emotions. Hopefully you have some support outside of T.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling sad.

[deliquesce]

(((((((((((((P7))))))))))))))))))

i miss you. please stop hiding and isolating yourself. T will understand you were stressed and lashed out, he won't take it personally.

but spacey right now myself, but sending you .

[coconut64]

(((((((((((((P7))))))))))))))))))

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

I have been isolating myself - my old you dont deserve any support because you dont belong anywhere - dont fit in - kicks in- and the fact that it was always safer to hide on my own when things got loud and angry......

((((((((((((( my dear P7 )))))))))))))

I'm so sorry! I have been away and am just now seeing this. I am sad for your sadness.
when I get sad like that, what helps me is to pray - keeping in mind that I am only a small cog in this big machine, and it is really a beautiful thought - I hope I can explain this - if you are near a beach at all, and have an opportunity to go out at night and spend some time looking up at the vast sky full of stars and listen to the waves, you will know what I mean, I find it very comforting; or if inland, to get to a place where you can see the open night sky. Or maybe you have a lake near you, or a mountain range, or some other beautiful natural place that can speak silently to you. it does help.
also if you play any instrument? I have found that even if I am not very good, these non-verbal sounds can speak my sadness and I feel more peaceful.
Lastly - do you know someone who is elderly and shut in, or sick, and could really use your presence? This giving seems to melt sadness away.
I wish you peace and gentle smiles. And don't forget the Groucho nose and glasses.

[phoenix7]

thankyou all for your support - I see T tomorrow afternoon - so I am hoping that will help -

my sister just rang up and ranted at me for not being there when she called - i was on the phone to a friend who was asking my advice - my nephew had to go to hospital and she couldnt drive him cos she had been drinking...... I HATE THIS!!! whenever I try to leave my past behind- it hunts me down and grabs me by the throat and shakes me....

and I didnt say a thing cos I knew she wouldnt listen anyway and wont remember tomorrow ...

[chaotic13]

I try to exercise, this past weekend while in the crips of a trigger I painted a room. I draw, bury myself in a work project, try to find some to hang out with who will make me laugh.

[lifelesstraveled]

(((((((((((p7))))))))))))))

[laura2]

((((((((((phoenix)))))))))))

I hope it goes well for you tomo,

i've missed you too, whenever i log on i carn't help but look out if you've posted,

been wondering where you've been, & if your ok,

your such a sweetheart to everyone, i will never forget how you made me feel the most welcome here

Big Monster hugs...

[phoenix7]

Thankyou - and I appreciate the monster hugs!!!

Im back to being really sad today - my sister rang two more times last night - she told me how she had told the ambuolance and the drs what she thought of them - she thought it was empowering - Im sure they appreciated being worn at by someone shouting and slurring their words as much as I did..... that was mean of me wasnt it

T in 6 hours - I just want it to stop! I know I will have to talk to her about it - but when I have tried before she gets really angry and i get triggered - she doesnt understand ptsd - she thinks im...dunno...playing the victim maybe shes right..............

[laura2]

Hi sweetheart, how did it go with T yesterday.....

[phoenix7]

I saw T yesterday and got a bit spirally afterwards -

I think I made T angry - I told him I hadnt broken my word - that I hadnt Si'd but that I had deliberately put myself in harms way - because I thought that way I wasnt breaking my word - but that I didnt get hurt so it was not big deal - T said somthing about me treating myself like a piece of S**t - its the first time he's sworn - and that i obviously thought I deserved to be hurt and treated like S**T and I said yes I do!!!!!

he said it was because of the SA and that it wasnt my fault and that I needed to be kind to myself -and about how I felt unworthy of ....well anything.... so maybe he was more concerend than angry..... or just angry

Ive been spirally ever since event thought the session ended well - so tonight I rang T and said I had realised from the paper he had given me to read - bad thoughts.... which confirmed I was bad and he said it was human to hate someone who hurt you - and that we could deal with that - I didnt know I hated them til now - I thought I had forgiven them - .. I havnt.... I hate them.....

[FooZe]

All this sounds kind of exciting, Phoenix! You're moving pretty fast, I feel like I'm running to keep you in sight, and I wanted to check a few points with you...

Originally Posted by phoenix7

I saw T yesterday and got a bit spirally afterwards

Mind telling me what spirally feels like? I'm wondering if I know the same feeling by some other name.

T said somthing about me treating myself like a piece of S**t - its the first time he's sworn - and that i obviously thought I deserved to be hurt and treated like S**T and I said yes I do!!!!!

As in, you just now realized you thought that? Or, you're just now letting him discover you did? Or, you'd been assuming he knew all along?

... I didnt know I hated them til now - I thought I had forgiven them - .. I havnt.... I hate them.....

And till now, you've been taking it out on yourself, haven't you?

This wouldn't by any chance have something to do with the sadness that's been coming up for you recently?

!
------------------------------------
Whoosh! Follow that Phoenix!

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by Fool Zero

All this sounds kind of exciting, Phoenix! You're moving pretty fast, I feel like I'm running to keep you in sight, and I wanted to check a few points with you...Mind telling me what spirally feels like? I'm wondering if I know the same feeling by some other name.

for me spirally means I feel like i am about to lose control - I am standing on the edge of a whirlwind that is about to suck me up and I will never be seen again - my thoughts race - my breathing quickens and I want to run!! but not away - out of myself - away from myself - explode like the fiery phoenix I am!!! whoosh!!! lol

As in, you just now realized you thought that? Or, you're just now letting him discover you did? Or, you'd been assuming he knew all along?

yes, yes and YES!

And till now, you've been taking it out on yourself, haven't you?

yes - T says that why I cut cos I hate myself .... its one of the reasons .... and finding that I hadnt forgiven them and hate them still even though one is dead and the other is half a world away seemed to prove I was right to do that - but T says welcome to the human race

This wouldn't by any chance have something to do with the sadness that's been coming up for you recently?

probably.....

!
------------------------------------
Whoosh! Follow that Phoenix!

double whoosh! Phoenix exit stage left...... right .... thataway!!! - )

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

he said it was human to hate someone who hurt you - and that we could deal with that - I didnt know I hated them til now - I thought I had forgiven them - .. I havnt.... I hate them.....

whoa, hon. Take some time to breathe quietly. I recognize the place you are in. let yr T guide you;
I know how scary it looks, but it'll be OK.

Love you Phoenix

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

For me spirally means I feel like i am about to lose control - I am standing on the edge of a whirlwind that is about to suck me up and I will never be seen again...

Mind trying on a slight variation of that? Maybe... who you thought you were, will never be seen again?

---------------------------------
Crisis = danger + opportunity.

[phoenix7]

thankyou sittingatwatersedge - the feeling is mutual kind one

T is guiding me - but I still feel a little lost...... but only a little - T says its time to grow up .... don;t want to! (stamps feet and sucks thumb - burns mouth cos has fiery feathers on thumb - ouch!)

T say its part of being human - havnt been human for a long time .....
fear and sadness is all that wells up from the past but I have very few memories to go with it - T tried hypnotherapy at my request but it only brought up more fear.....

FooZe - the person I was is dead - I dont think she even really existed - she was a thing I constructed to survive - a mask I wore that shattered when I was attacked the last time (actually not the last - Ive been attacked since but by confused patients so it doesnt matter )
the last time I was atttacked and feared for my life ...hmmm theres been a few of those before that.... (Warning! veering off into past territory - get train back on track !!) I hate her almost as much as I hate them...

[phoenix7]

crisis = danger + opportunity - very true FooZe - i found the first two - maybe the third is the opportunity to grow.....

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

... the person I was is dead - I dont think she even really existed - she was a thing I constructed to survive ... I hate her almost as much as I hate them...

You're doing just fine. Keep going. None of that touches who you are.

(I don't want this to be a distraction to you, so just leave it here till you're ready for it: )

-----------------------------------------------------
"Here I am, wasn't I?" (as Sheldon Kopp put it.)

[phoenix7]

I have to find out who "me" is..... I dont llike her either lol maybe I will try to cut her a little slack......maybe.

I am who I am...unless Im not - and if im not .. then who am I ?

Welcome to my insanity!

[FooZe]

Missed my cue!

Do-overs, do-overs!

(clapstick) Take Two

Originally Posted by phoenix7

For me spirally means I feel like i am about to lose control - I am standing on the edge of a whirlwind that is about to suck me up and I will never be seen again ...

...
------------------------------------
Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more.

[laura2]

(((((((phoenix))))))))))

wish i could take your sadness & pain away sweetheart

don't worry that "u think" u mad T angry, he would'nt have been angry, he just cares, & wants you not to suffer the way u r, he's right u do need to be kind to yourself, i know its so easy to say, but its what you deserve sweetheart

when your on that edge of that whirlwind & want to run out of yourself, please try & remember "YOU R WORTHY", you've come so far, & we love u phoenix

Its ok for u to feel angry, that's your right, let it out, use T like you've never used him before, let him guide u, he can take it, he seems like a good man

you've been really brave, & you r strong, i've seen it in u

sending you the biggest in the world!