Adult Self vs. Child Self

This topic came up for me when I was replying in another thread - my T has pointed out to me that when I'm talking in therapy, it's my adult self talking, but that it's my child self who contains a lot of the emotions that I've been holding onto and burying for so long. I've told my T that I want to access those emotions, but she hasn't really pushed me on it, and I haven't asked her to push me on it. I know that my unconscious is at work in this process, as I've had multiple dreams, which I've discussed with my T, about my child self somehow helping my adult self move along in the process. I've also dreamt that my adult self has nurtured my child self and kept her safe.

So how do I access my child self in therapy? What has been your experience with this? And yes, I will ask T more about this at my next session.

dreamseeker, I have more than one adult self and child self (T calls them ego states), and we have worked with some of the child ego states in therapy. T likes to use EMDR, but we have also just done talk therapy. Sometimes it helps to center the work on specific incidents from childhood, and that has a way of drawing that ego state out--the one who experiences the pain, or trauma. So maybe try focusing your work on a specific memory that was painful for you, and then you can get that child to be present and express her pain. Yes, that child has experienced more than just one hurtful incident, but using one memory as a way of getting to the child can be effective, and then once she is there, you can extend the work to other pain too.

Another idea: For an adult ego state, I had something in writing that really got to him, so if I read that, I could trigger him to be present. You might have something similar to use for a child state, a specific writing or poem or picture or song that draws her out.

Thanks, sunrise! I'll have to ask my T what she thinks about ego states.

I think this may be worth a try. My T lets me choose the topic and the pace, so I will have to ask her about this and see if she thinks it's a good idea to try this, as I do trust her opinion - she seems to really be attuned to what I can handle. For instance, some new issue came up last week, and she said that she wants to come back to it, but that I already have a lot on my plate right now (I'm getting ready for a trip to visit my parents in a week, and the timing sucks, right when these painful childhood emotions are coming to the surface). But I think my T made the right call, to wait until after I'm back from my trip before we tackle this other issue.

Funny you should mention that - I just found something that I had written that describes a painful experience when I was 6, and I was already planning to take it to my next session and read it to my T. I don't know if simply reading it will draw my child state out, but I can tell my T that I want to accomplish that, and go from there.

OK, here is my perspective AT THE MOMENT--:-) ).

Recently I found myself actually wishing I could be like Treehouse and just let my little teen b#$@+ out to vent or to let that younger me out to cry and seek comforting. I think this approach could be very effective and efficient way of empting the head and heart and getting those core issues out in the open in order to deal with them.

Then... I have a good week like this week where I can appreciate that...my organism is dealing with things in its own unique and creative way. I still struggle a lot with feeling, accepting, admitting, discussing the thoughts and events that created and shaped these ego states. When I go to therapy an adult ego state is in control and... At least at this point, its a no child zone. But I've still been able to work through these feelings. I don't have to throw caution to the wind or completely dissociate to get help. Often my T will ask, what do you think the 10 year old child would have thought or felt when X happened. In therapy the adult me usually has to guess and often in guessing presents some judgemental opinions. T counters those statement and we talk about them. Later after the session, when I am alone that child then surfaces and I am less judgemental and able to tolerate her feelings a little better. In a later session the question will surface again and now the adult instead of guessing can say, well... The child felt X and we move on from there.My process may take longer, but I get there eventually in a way that is not so scary or embarassing for the adult.

Sorry for such a lengthy response. My point is, seek ideas, try different things, but in the end...how you ultimately access and heal these wounds will be unique. Also remember that you're not the only variable. Your Ts skill and approach to helping you, your schedule, other related and unrelated stuff all affect the process.

Just keep trying and it will happen.

chaotic, thank you!

I hear ya - while that appeals to me, it also scares me somewhat!

Oh - me, too!!

That's really interesting - my T once used that approach, we were discussing an important conversation that I had with my mother as a child - I knew that we had the convo, but I couldn't remember it. T asked me to guess what it would've been, so I attempted it, but it didn't really ring true. But I think that was an example of my T trying to access my child self - wow!

chaotic, does your T use EMDR like sunrise's T to access the ego states? I'll have to ask my T, but I don't think she does. After I went and read some on ego states, though, I can identify now when my parental ego state has come out in session before, or when a child ego state has come out. I do trust my T, she certainly hasn't steered me wrong yet - this may be me just being impatient yet again with the process, I need to trust it. Thanks!

Impatience is a common problem with me too. My T has tried what I think was an EDMR technique with me. She never told me the name, because she knew I would go and research it to death. I later called it a cognitive overload exercise. My T laughed at that...and now for me that's its name. We only did it once and it was directed at a specific event. I don't think I responded the way she intended because we haven't did it again. My T has said things about different techniques like hypnosis. I think my T knows these techniques but we don't do them. Maybe she thinks what I'm doing on my own and in therapy is working so thanks what we do.

For me, EMDR was not an essential part of ego state therapy. We also worked with ego states a number of times when we didn't do EMDR. In fact, most times we didn't use EMDR. The point of the EMDR is to help you process stuck trauma. So if you experienced some trauma when a child or infant, then going back with EMDR can help resolve that. But it is not a required part of Ego State Therapy. It can just help the children heal more quickly.

I let them write.

I drove home from therapy one day trying to process a bazillion different emotions because T gave me a flower.

I had to put the words and feelings down on paper to help me sort it all out.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=66501

Orange Blossom - wow, what talent you have for writing! Are you really that aware of your different parts? If so, that's amazing - I am envious! Even though I know the different parts exist within me, I don't feel that in touch with them. But I do enjoy writing, so maybe I will give that a shot - thanks!

I read this and finished your last sentence with, YET!

IDK dreamseeker... Seems to me your curiosity has been peaked... You may be on your way to getting to know them. What do you think PC, are we piling in the rollercoaster with dreamseeker? I hear Echoes calling 'all aboard.' :-)

So true, chaotic - I am very curious now!

I'm bringing something into my session tomorrow that I wrote 5 years ago, it describes an event that happened when I was 6 years old. I found it last week, and it brought up a lot of sadness in me that I didn't even know was there. So this may be the perfect time to discuss the different parts of myself with my T.

About a month ago, I discovered a poem i had written several months before, but forgotton. I had not even remembered writing it. It was kind of hard for me to understand at first. But then I realized it was several ego states at once talking back and forth and saying different things (sometimes talking to each other), all in the same poem. It was very cool! Can't say it was great poetry, but I do think writing can be a good way "in".

My T has told me some people access a child ego state by writing or drawing with their opposite hand. And what is written sometimes comes from the child.

One time I remember picking up my pen and writing (not a poem and with my good hand), and it was my adult male ego state. He wrote stuff I would never write and he was quite pissed off. A lot of anger there. It was very strange. I watched words coming off my pen, but did not feel like I owned them. The mind is a very strange thing.

I was wayyyyy wicked into therapy before it even occured to me (was told) that there were parts, never mind that they had their own agenda and voices etc.

We wrote that piece because we were all so overwhelmed and discombobulated by the simple, confusing gift of a flower. It truly was a changing point in t for many different reasons.

I had been writing other things for quite awhile before anything like that came out. Now it's the easiest style of writing for me to do. I really have no say in it, lol. I just sit back and let them type.

Orangeblossom,
When you are writing, do you shift among your ego states, you does one write about an experience, then later another?

I don't have DID but I clearly feel the presence of other egos in my head. When really confused about all the craziness in my head, I will often sit down and draw it. As strong feeling surface I will then delve into them and draw the scene from that ego states perspective. Often as I draw I will shift from the teen, young adult, child perspective repeatetly in on sitting. It is like they are all sitting around telling ME the artist what experienced and I am then recording it.

The writing I present to people is the cleaned up, polished version. It doesn't flow so smoothly at first. It's a jumbled mess of "and she said this, or I heard that, and I felt blah-blah-blah." We just need to get it out.

The basic, raw emotions are put down on paper in order, meaning from sad littles to angry teens to confused adults. So yes, it does shift but it's highly unusual for anyone other than the sad ones to have their say first.

Once they have purged, the writer in me goes back and "colors" in the surroundings.

Just wanted to update - so I asked T how to access my child self - she said that I have to be more unreasonable in therapy, meaning I have to express when I'm unhappy or mad about something, even if it seems to make no sense. An example she gave - if she keeps me waiting a few minutes, I shouldn't just let that go - I should ask her why she did it, and tell her that I'm important, or tell her if I was hurt or upset or anxious about it. Basically, that I should let that child come forth and rage a bit! So, that helps me understand better how to connect with that child self, along with all your responses -thanks!

My T said to me once, maybe its time to let the child lead for a bit. Unfortunately, at the time I was like, "No, this child has been caged for good reason." I told her that I am afraid that the child is truely evil and I don't want to unleash its energy into the universe. I was a bit shocked by that statement and quickly followed it jokingly with, 'It has unmanaged ADHD and would quickly wear out even the most skilled T.' Since then my T has never again suggested that I let my inner child out. LOL

Aww, chaotic! I bet your child isn't evil. But I can relate to being scared of the energy that your child has - I think mine has a lot of energy, and it's very daunting to start to feel that, and to feel those intense emotions that are part of my child self.

LOL - just popped into this thread and saw this.

I find myself wishing I could NOT be like Treehouse!! I guess if I could choose who comes into the room and when it might feel...empowering, maybe? But I'm just along for the ride. I do think it took a long time in therapy for there to be enough safety for all of these selves to present themselves...and I do think there must be some healing in it (?)...but it is frustrating to go to therapy planning on staying "adult" and realizing I lost a bunch of session to little treehouse (and when I say lost, I mean, it's usually just a blank space) or to see teen treehouse letting T have it while I'm powerless to stop her...

I *think* we're working towards integration. That sounds scary but good too.

Just a perspective from the other side!!