[BlueMoon6]

I had so much to think about before my session today. I have never talked about my t so much before a session. I thought Id walk in and she would see right through me that I had been trashing her for 3 days on the computer!

Well, I actually did not go blank. Maybe it was my mood- everything with me is so dependent on my mood. Maybe the meds are kicking in. I felt clear and wasnt (yet) crying. I remembered pretty much everything I had posted here on PC and all of the responses...all of them. (I didnt mention PC- does anybody mention PC to their t???) And then I just let it rip. Not in an angry way, but I felt confident in what I wanted to say and what I felt even if it was confusing. I told her everything not leaving out any detail. I couldnt believe I was saying this stuff.

Everything seemed to be related to everything else. The desk and my feelings about her being so far, distant and cold. About boundries. About my previous t and boundries. My lonely/frightened feelings with my mother, projecting stuff onto her, the csa with my father, my kids, my husband....we went through everything and the bottom line being not hurting myself and not hurting my children by acting out in front of them. Even if I have to "act as if." We spent some time on my mother's death. And how I "acted as if" during that period of time.

And the subject I have been talking "around" has been what I am doing with food. I have been emotionless lately and doing as I please, but my weight is too low (I am 113 and I am over 5'6") and this is where I struggled with her. It feels like a f***ing impossible thing to do to eat and put on weight. And I wont go into the hospital. I have a family. She believes that it is dangerous for my kids (not the little ones, but especially my teenage girls) to see what I am doing. And they know what I am doing and make comments all the time. I feel awful but cant find a way out of this hole. She seems to think if I keep acting out that they also can develop eating disorders and personality disorders. Not what I want to hear, but it does give me motivation to do something. I just dont know how or what that something would be. When I eat I feel like ????? I dont know. I want to hurt myself or kill somebody.

She wants me to remember all the time that what I want to do is to be a different kind of mother than my mother was.

And then I brought up her vacation I said "Are you going away?" This was at the end of the session and she was getting up anyway...I didnt want to leave I thought, OH NO! ITS GOING TO BE 11 DAYS UNTIL I SEE HER AGAIN!

I asked her if she was going away. And she said....always wanting to be a blank slate..."Why?" And I put my head in my hands and said, "S**T!" And then she did say to me that she was going away for as long as I was going away (at least I got something out of her!). And then she said to me, "There is always the phone, not to worry." I breathed a huge sigh of relief knowing she will take my calls....and I left.

I have to say, that if I had not been posting here and getting my thoughts and feelings together I never would have known what I feeling and what to do about it. Never. I know some of my posts were really long and it was a lot over 1 desk! I so appreciate everyone taking the time to read those long ramblings and give me such thoughtful replies. I took it all with me and it gave me confidence that it was OK to feel and say whatever I needed to.
Thanks

WOW WOW!!! Check you out! You did it!!

I love how PC gives us the courage to speak up sometimes. It sounds like it went well...is that how you felt?

Good for you

[rainbow8]

((((((clk6)))))))))

Will respond later when I'm back from errands.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by treehouse

WOW WOW!!! Check you out! You did it!!

I love how PC gives us the courage to speak up sometimes. It sounds like it went well...is that how you felt?

Good for you

Tree- I just read a response you gave in the Always Starting Over thread. You said that you started being honest with your t no matter if you sounded confused or how it sounded or how he reacted. Something like that The gist was that you have to be honest about how you feel or you just dont feel safe and connected. That was how I felt today. I felt that I just might as well be honest. I felt safe enough that she would be there for me and listen. I felt very connected to her and I said it again about the disconnect with the desk etc and we talked about my feelings about a lot of things b/c of the coldness of the desk.

Anyway, yes, I felt it was a good session, I dont know what I would have done if it wasnt And she did encourage me to call her over her vacation. What a relief!

[BlueMoon6]

Oh, and sorry for the weird title of this thread. My computer started to type in very strange wing-dings and I couldnt change it. Then when I went to edit the post and it wouldnt let me edit the title line. So I left it.....weird..........

Originally Posted by clk6

Oh, and sorry for the weird title of this thread.

I was seriously wondering if you tried to make a little desk, for REAL

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I was seriously wondering if you tried to make a little desk, for REAL

OMG! It DOES look like a little desk!!!!!!!!

[rainbow8]

clk6 and tree, you are both cracking me up!! A little desk. I was wondering what the thread title was, clk6.

I am glad that PC helped you to go in and say everything you wanted to your T. That's wonderful! About mentioning PC. I told her about it briefly today, but I used to always tell her about the other board I post on. I never accepted my BPD diagnosis until I found that board, and my T said it was good for me as long as I didn't get too obsessed with it. I tend to get obsessed with people and things, if you didn't notice that already, lol. There was a thread not so long ago about whether you tell your T about PC, or worrying about if they read it or not.

It sounds like you accomplished a lot in your 40 minutes! It's cool how most of our issues are all related, somehow, and working on one impacts another.

I'm glad that she is letting you call her. She sounds a lot more compassionate than she did in your other threads about her.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

clk6 and tree, you are both cracking me up!! A little desk. I was wondering what the thread title was, clk6.

I am glad that PC helped you to go in and say everything you wanted to your T. That's wonderful! About mentioning PC. I told her about it briefly today, but I used to always tell her about the other board I post on. I never accepted my BPD diagnosis until I found that board, and my T said it was good for me as long as I didn't get too obsessed with it. I tend to get obsessed with people and things, if you didn't notice that already, lol. There was a thread not so long ago about whether you tell your T about PC, or worrying about if they read it or not.

It sounds like you accomplished a lot in your 40 minutes! It's cool how most of our issues are all related, somehow, and working on one impacts another.

I'm glad that she is letting you call her. She sounds a lot more compassionate than she did in your other threads about her.

Rainbow- I didnt mention PC. I would be afraid to. I dont want her reading here! YIKES!

She really is compassionate. You know, now that I wont see her for 11 days and I am remembering more of what was said I keep thinking "I should have said this thing or that thing" when she asked me. And Im getting depressed over things I should have said. Things I really wanted to say but forgot (I thought I remembered everything...). What is wrong with me? It was a good session, but I miss her already and want to say so much more.

I wonder if she is happy to be taking a vacation And not have to listen to all those crazy people all day long.....

[sunrise]

clk6, that sounds like a great session! And it sounds like PC has been very helpful to you in processing your thoughts and feelings. Yay!

BTW, what did she say about the desk? Is she going to come out from behind that barrier and "be in the room" with you?

[~EnlightenMe~]

(((((((CLK6)))))))))) ---
I'm SO glad that you had such a productive session!!! lolol on the Wingdings. At first I thought it was a thimble, lol. Im so PROUD of you!

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by sunrise

clk6, that sounds like a great session! And it sounds like PC has been very helpful to you in processing your thoughts and feelings. Yay!

BTW, what did she say about the desk? Is she going to come out from behind that barrier and "be in the room" with you?

No she isnt She seems to feel that it is a boundry she and the patient need. You know I dont agree and I talked about it with her. I so wish she would come out from behind there and be more "close" to me. But this is the way she says she does therapy. I like her so much and she knows me in a way no one ever has so what can I do? She's smart, has 30 yrs of experience and knows what she wants to do, I am learning from that. We are doing some good work on my mother who I had similar feelings about so in all maybe its where I am meant to be.

Somebody here on PC was looking for you and it made me worried that you were not around and something could have happened! I have a feeling we all can be very fragile here. Glad to see you <sigh of relief....>

[peaches100]

CLK6,

I'm happy you had the courage to express how you were feeling to your t!!! Even if she isn't changing the boundary, at least you told her how you feel, and she let you know why she does it. It sounds like you had an important session.