Frustrated

I am so with myself. I block my way in therapy and it makes me that I impede my own progress. When T tries to get me to try something new, to attack my problems from a new angle, I get freaked out. I worry about making a fool of myself and either outright refuse to do what he suggests or do it while mired in shame so that every step is torturous.

I'm so worried about messing up in T that it's causing me to, well, mess up.

This sucks. It really, really does. Part of me can look at it intellectually and say this is what happens when a person gets abused; they become afraid to trust, they doubt people's motives, they protect themselves at all costs.

I want to change, but I make it darn hard for myself to do it.

Skeski
I also feel the same way. Told my T tonight that I am really bad at therapy. That I wish I knew how to do it. She said you are doing it, your here every week doing it.
She said we really need to work on the critical judgement I have on myself. I am some what of a perfectionist, and if I and I don't feel comfortable trying new things in therapy in fear that I will screw them up. Yet, I leave feeling like I didn't do much anyways, crappy cycle.

Sending you hugs, know you are not alone in this

AWESOME - YOU SAID THE GOLDEN WORDS "I want to change", and you shall..... you go girl

That's exactly it, hangingon. I am so critical of myself, and so afraid of doing something wrong even though I can intellectually understand that's impossible in therapy. I refuse to try what he suggests because I'm sure it'll make me look stupid, and then when we don't get anywhere, I feel like I've done something stupid. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think it comes entirely from a place of fear.

Ah, excellent question. I think I'm afraid to try what he suggests because it makes me vulnerable. I'll look stupid, and he'll judge me for it. So, rejection, I guess. And I know he won't judge me, but I judge myself (and then assume he does the same).

Thanks for the encouragement!

Making it hard for ourselfs is part of our problem and getting to really show T how we "think" we're messing up is how we also get to resolve it....there really is no right or wrong way to do therapy....but that doesn't sort the defeatest thinking, which in itself can be resolved with therapy.....sometimes its best to continue to feel as if we're getting no where and falling all over the place then suddenly it becomes clear....we move through these stages...

Melbadaze:
"....there really is no right or wrong way to do therapy...."

Skeksi and Hangingon-

You are both doing it! That is what therapy is! You are both participating, learning, changing, working very hard, and going back each time. I think we all have a preconceived notion of what therapy should be and it never is the same for everyone. But it is T's job to guide us through until we get the most benefit and eventually end up where we want to be.

You are both doing great! You are both very brave!

Hi Skeksi,

I also have a very strong self-critical part of my personality, so i understand what you're up against. You want to make progress, but the self-criticism exerts a backward pull on you, telling you that you'll only fail and make a fool of yourself anyway, so why even try? I agree with your therapist that you should work on the self-criticism, as it surely will impede your progress. It might also help to think about where your strong fear of failure and looking foolish comes from. When did you start believing about yourself that you can't accomplish what you set out to do? Have you had instances in the past where you tried something and failed and felt foolish? If so, talking about and working through those feelings with your therapist can help you see your strengths and put your fears into perspective. I know it's hard to change those internal "tapes" that tell us we're no good and will never be able to change. But with time and effort, you can get there.

((((((((((((((((((((skeksi))))))))))))))))))))

I appreciate what you've shared here....you have so much wisdom and insight to share, yet you struggle too... Thank you for letting us in

I don't think you are messing up, at ALL. Like Vicki said, you are showing up and working hard. I really think that a lot of growth in therapy is just showing up, week after week after week and letting ourselves feel those vulnerable feelings...and then in between sessions, looking at why we feel so vulnerable and wondering how we can change...and then showing up and doing it all over again.

Be gentle with you. You're doing just what you're supposed to do. It just feels awful sometimes.

Oh, I like this thinking. This is definitely a pattern I see in the rest of my life, so playing it out in therapy this way is going to help me figure out how to manage it in real life, too. Wow, thanks for that insight

And this, too, I hadn't thought of. I'm never going to learn to trust T if I don't try/fail/learn from it/try again. If I could "just do it," well then, I would have! I like the idea of this 'messing up' and working through it being the therapy itself.

Oof, you ask the hard questions, dontcha? I think a huge part of this comes from the abuse; he mocked me relentlessly and the ashamed, 'I messed up' feeling I get in therapy is the same one I got when he would tell me how stupid I was or that I couldn't do anything right. I think I also developed a pattern of thoughts--"If I'm perfect it makes up for what he said, if I'm smart enough and good enough then I'm not what he says I am."

I'm so used to being ashamed that I never really thought where it came from.

Thank you so much for this affirmation. I like being able to tell myself 'this is the process of therapy.' It was hard for me to even post about it, because I get so ashamed of myself for not doing things 'right.' T is always telling me to get messy, to be stupid or weird or whatever I'm scared of, but it's hard to figure out HOW to do that.

But I am not beating myself as bad I was last night, so thanks to all of you I have an idea of what I need to address with T next time. I've been thinking back over the session, since I was falling into that trap of "he's mad at me because I messed up, he's gonna dump me because we're not getting anywhere." At the end, T said, it's not a matter of whether you can do something or want to do it; it's a matter of how safe you feel to do it.

I want to feel safe enough to do new things in there, I really do, but it also feels like jumping off a cliff and not knowing how high it is.