[Mouse_]

Patient: "Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages."
Psychiatrist: "Nonsense! I like sausages too."
Patient: "Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them."

[sittingatwatersedge]

One summer night, a lawyer was working late at his office. Suddenly a young man came bursting through the door and said, "help me! you've got to help me."
The lawyer asked warily, "what's wrong, son?"
the youg man said, "I keep thinking that I'm a moth."
"You think you're a moth?" the lawyer repeated, and the young man nodded. "Well I'm afraid I just can't help you with that - you see, you need a psychologist, and I'm just a lawyer."
"I know," the young man said miserably.
"Then why are you here?" the lawyer asked.
"Your light was on."


[/quote]

Too funny!

[ECHOES]

[sittingatwatersedge]

While attending a convention, three psychologists took a walk.
“People are always coming to us with their guilts and fears,,” said one, “but we have no one to go to with our own problems.”
“Since we’re all professionals,” another suggested, “why don’t we hear each other out right now?”
They agreed that this was a good idea.
The first said, “I’m a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as much as I can.”
The second admitted, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I’ve even pressured my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.”
The third said, “I know it’s wrong but… no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”

[deliquesce]

1-800-PSYCH
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

[Mouse_]

hehehehehe

[sittingatwatersedge]

A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his office and says, "Doctor, there's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

A man walks into his psychiatrist's office wearing only a pair of underwear made out of saran wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Sir, clearly I can see your nuts."

[pegasus]

[free2beme]

Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.

The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me."

The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dyck, let's go home."

[phoenix7]

some kids humour..

Teacher: What type of animal is that in the picture Jimmy?
Jimmy: its a frikkin elepphant miss
Teacher: now come on Jimmy you know thats not what its called!
Jimmy : its a frikkin elephant miss it says so!
getting ready to send Jimmy to the headmasters she looks at the picture and sure enough at the bottom it says.... African Elephant -

A frican elephant get it

ok so now you know why I didnt take up comedy as a profession! and took to brain surgery instead only joking!

thanks for starting this thread mouse

[free2beme]

[pegasus]

Oh my!

[madisgram]

ok, mouse, you got me laughing out loud....u silly, silly u...thanks for that!!

[sittingatwatersedge]

(thanks to BTC for this one)

Two guys are walking down the street...
one says to the other “What do you do for a living?”
the other guy says, “Why do you ask?"
the first guys says “OH! You’re a shrink!”

[Behindthecouch]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

(thanks to BTC for this one)

Two guys are walking down the street...
one says to the other “What do you do for a living?”
the other guy says, “Why do you ask?"
the first guys says “OH! You’re a shrink!”

darn it that's my only shrink joke!

does this mean I need to find another one?

what a great thread!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Behindthecouch

darn it that's my only shrink joke!

does this mean I need to find another one?

yes

[sittingatwatersedge]

"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"

"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."

[hangingon]

Lol I ALWAYS get to therapy sessions ten minutes early.

Last session my T asked me if I had very strict time limits when doing cliniclas at the hospital for school.
I didn't know what she was getting at, except that I had emailed her telling her that I may be a bit late since I had a doctors appt prior to session that day. I ended up getting there 10 minutes early as usual. Wonder if thats where her question came from....Perhaps I should ask her why lol...I am not good at doing that and leave my brain to think all sorts of things.

Hangingon

[sittingatwatersedge]

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "I believe that would be giddy-up."

[phoenix7]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

[sittingatwatersedge]

Client to T: "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. What on earth can it mean?"

T: "It's very simple. You're two tents."



[/quote]