Time for some humour again.

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oh... my.. I actually laughed. really. the old ones are the best

i don't get it.

Two tents spoken out loud sounds like... "too tense".

Three patients at a psychiatric clinic are up for release. The shrink informs them that they will have to pass a simple test.

Asking the first patient: Q. How much is two plus two?
A: Blue.
At which the kind doctor calls in the orderly to escort the patient back to his room.

Turning to the second patient, he asks what is six minus three? To which the patient replies: Square. Once again the orderly is called in to remove the patient.

Turning to the third and last patient, he asks, "How much is five plus five?" The patient answers very confidentially: Ten. The doctor, amazed then inquires how did you figure it out? The patient: "Easy.Blue multiplied by square equals ten."

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There are three guys going through an exit interview at a mental hospital. The doctor says he can release them if they can answer the simple mathematical problem: What is 8 times 5?
The first patient says, "139."
The second one says, "Wednesday."
The third says, "What a stupid question. It's obvious: The answer is 40."
The doctor is delighted. He gives the guy his release. As the man is leaving, the doctor asks how he came up with the correct answer so quickly.
"It was easy, Doc. I just divided Wednesday into 139.

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"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has to be willing to change.

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Antidotes to Your Shrink's Falling Asleep During the Therapy Session:
A Patient's Guide to Keeping the Therapist's Attention
This paper presents concrete tactics that will ensure retaining the analyst's attention.

• Insist that one of your other personalities already paid last month's therapy bill.
• Lie down under the couch.
• Express concern that you are not narcissistic enough.
• Bark.
• Shout "Eureka!" after your therapist makes an interpretation.
• Play dead.
• As your therapist hands you the therapy bill, put on a pair of latex rubber gloves to accept it.

aha! thank you! my speech & annunciation lessons probably prevented me from even thinking that far. imagine not appropriately emphasizing the 't' when saying 'tents'!!

"not narcisstic enought" LOL!!!

The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology, “How do you determine if a patient is cured.”

The psychologist explains:
“We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub.”

“I see,” says the health minister, “The cured person would choose the cup because it`s bigger, and would empty the tub faster.”

“Actually no,” replies the psychologist, “A normal person would simply pull the plug. Would you like a room with a view or without?”

Psychological Definitions


Borderline Personality:-
Someone who thinks about doing the wild and crazy things I actually do when no one is watching.

Schizophrenic:-
Someone who does the wild and crazy things I think about but never actually do.

Alcoholic:-
Someone who likes alcohol more than he likes me.

Drug addict:-
Someone who likes drugs more than he likes me.

Sex addict:-
Someone who is having more fun than I am.

Antisocial personality:-
A male.

Obsessive-compulsive personality:-
Anyone who thinks about this **** more than I do.

Depressive:-
Blinders are off; sees the world the way it really is.

Manic depressive:-
Blinders are off; sees the world the way it really is. And is pissed off about it.

Phobic:-
Blinders are off; sees the world the way it really is. And is scared shitless.

lol! love the one about the health minister .

this is a stitch! >> Manic depressive:-
Blinders are off; sees the world the way it really is. And is pissed off about it.

I told a friend I was thinking about having a little sign made for my desk
"Slowly but surly, I am getting to my goal"

all this talk of switching chairs with T - and i saw this

(Note: this was heard on the radio, so who knows if true, but sure sounds believable)

During the Gulf Crisis, airports have had to beef up their security. One airport went so far as to hire psychiatrists as security guards, so they could evaluate the mental states of the waiting passengers.

On the first day, a psychiatrist arrested a fellow psychiatrist.

Christina - if patients can only get out by answering math questions accurately, I'd best hope NEVER to get in since I'd surely NEVER get out!!!! rofl!

I never thought about that!! Me neither, my math skills suck!!

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Here are some more...
How can anybody possibly believe in the collective unconscious? It's easy - if you're Jung at heart.

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Top 10 Signs a Therapist is Approaching Burn-out

10) You think of the peaceful park you like as "your private therapeutic milieu."
9) You realize that your floridly psychotic patient, who is picking invisible flowers out of mid air, is probably having more fun in life than you are.
8) A grateful client, who thinks you walk on water, brings you a small gift and you end up having to debrief your feelings of unworthiness with a colleague.
7) You are watching a re-run of the Wizard of Oz and you start to categorize the types of delusions that Dorothy had.
6) Your best friend comes to you with severe relationship troubles, and you start trying to remember which cognitive behavioral technique has the most empirical validly for treating this problem.
5) You realize you actually have no friends, they have all become just one big case load.
4) A co-worker asks how you are doing and you reply that you are a bit "internally preoccupied" and "not able to interact with peers" today.
3) Your spouse asks you to set the table and you tell them that it would be "countertherapeutic to your current goals" to do that.
2) You tell your teenage daughter she is not going to start dating boys because she is "in denial," "lacks insight." and her "emotions are not congruent with her chronological age."
And, the number one reason a therapist may be burning out....
1) You are packing for a trip to a large family holiday reunion and you take the DSM-IV with you just in case.

A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romero. Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this mean?"
"Relax," says the doctor. "You're just having an auto-body experience."


The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"



Patient: "Doctor, I hear all kinds of animals talking in my head."
Doctor: "Don't worry, you're just having Disney spells."


"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"Ok, he's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."
"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
"I thought you said he's 13?"




A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Coleman, and sat down to explain his problem.
"Doctor, doctor!" he started.
"No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough."
"Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch."
"Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."



Dr. Coleman, the world famous psychiatrist, was the guest of honor at a chic party.
A woman saddled up next to Dr. Coleman, batted her eyes, tossed her hair over her shoulder and asked, "Doctor, would you mind telling me, how would you detect a mental deficiency in a someone who appears completely normal?"
Dr. Coleman chuckled. "Nothing could be easier, my dear. All you have to do is ask the person a very simple question which anyone could answer with no trouble at all. If the person hesitates, that lets you know something might be wrong 'upstairs,' so to speak."
"Interesting. What sort of question?"
"Well, for example, let me ask you: Columbus made four trips to North America and died during one of them. Which one?"
She thought for a second and said, "Ummm, do you have another question to ask? I never was very good at history."

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book titled "The Meaning of Dreams."

A man walks into the doctor's office.

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?", he asked.

"You're not eating properly", replied the Doctor.

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try therapy. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last hope. When they arrived at the therapist's office, the therapist jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband made a long face and sat there without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles/hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the therapist went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The therapist spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I could get her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

LOL sunny!

Q: what cell phone serice do therapists subscribe to?

A: Why, T Mobile, of course!

Time for a Dirty Johnny joke.....

Dirty Johnny was at school and sitting out on the grass, during recess, squishing a pile of dog shyt in his hands. A teacher, seeing this, walks over to him and says "Dirty Johnny, look at you, your a mess!! What on Earth are you doing?", Dirty Johnny looks up at the teacher and says "I'm making a teacher!!!". The teacher, angry and repulsed, hurriedly goes inside the office to fetch the Principal. The Principal immediately goes outside and finds Dirty Johnny covered in dog shyt and says "SON!!! What are you doing playing with a pile of dog poop!?!". Dirty Johnny looks up at him and announces "I'm making a Principal!!!!" So, the Principal, feeling disgusted and angry, marches back to the office to find the school Psychologist. The school Psychologist heads outdoors and finds Johnny, still sitting on the grass, manipulating the pile of poop. Thinking swiftly, the school shrink says "Hi, Johnny!! I bet you're making a Psychologist?". Dirty Johnny looks up and proudly proclaims "NOPE!!! Not enough shyt!!!!!!!"

Thank you guys! This is just what I needed!

OMG!! That is HILARIOUS!!

Sheri, pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.



A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him. "For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."
The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."
"OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"
The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did you want two lanes or four?"

This reminds me of Charlie the unicorn and the "put a banana in your ear" song: (PT 1) I think the banana king is in part 2:

Here's an addition that I found:

(From Olek's wisdom) Thinking - The Silent Disease*

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening, I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius, and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day, the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as a college professor and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with a social reportage on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye: "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.


You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.


This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was /Porky's/. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. The road to recovery is now nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step. I joined the Republican Party.

HAAAAAAAAAhahaahahahahahahahahahaha