Uncovering Memories

Oh goodness! Sorry, Tree! That's what I get for trying to quote a post that quotes another post, lol. I think I fixed it.

Just for the record some abusive parents like my mom did take pictures, right after she abused me so the whole word can see my distress and so I can remember what would happen if I wasn't good. When my brother was killed by my mom a 1 1/2 yrs. ago, my aunt sent me some photos of me and him that was taken by her mom (my grandma). These were nice photos because I truly was happy when I was with her. But the other photo my mom took were downright emotionally abusive and for her agendas .

My T said it doesn't matter if a memory is true or not, you still treat the feelings associated with the memory anyway because what the client feels is the most important not whether or not it might be true.

velcro - for what it's worth, i have a friend who did not start remembering anything until she was 12, because she moved houses and changed schools so frequently. her dad was in the army, so they moved bases whenever he got posted somewhere else.

i think you do need a certain amount of stability to remember things. it's almost a case of "why bother" if you know that everything is so transient... there isn't a foundation (rooms, colours, weather, people) to build the memories on.

i think the 80s-type hysteria over recovered memories has a lot to answer for in making people not feel "worthy" of their issues, or counselling, or whatever because they weren't abused (or abused "enough"). i remember being 16 and utterly depressed, and perversely wishing that i had one big traumatic event i could blame all my depression on. never mind that i was not in the best of circumstances anyway... it was always that feeling that unless things weren't big enough, then i had no right to feel the way that i did.

jmo, but if the memories from childhood aren't present, then maybe it would be more useful to look at your current reactions when building intimate relationships and work through those. i would start getting upset with my therapist if she kept insisting that the memories would "come back", as if they held a key. but that's just me. i'm very wary of therapists who induce/encourage memories, even by casting suspicion on the absence of them.

p.s. tollhouse, i love your contribution to this thread. i think what you're saying needs to be more out there, because popular culture doesn't really present the other side very often, and i think that's where the truth lies .

Deli- what you said makes total sense! I did move 4 or 5 times from when I was 2 until 10-maybe a little more.

I want to be VERY clear- my T has never tried searching for recovered memories or is looking for things that aren't there!!! It is ME who is constantly frustrated and I do feel the need to find SOMETHING to make me "worthy" of being in therapy. Not even anything abusive, but something I can be like "this makes sense why I am so afraid of anything new and why I don't even bother with trying to date!"

If any of you has ever seen the show Intervention, this is a good example of what I'm talking about. I LOVE the show. I think partially why I am drawn to it is because there is a definite problem: addiction. Their family is fighting for their life and they NEED therapy. I don't feel I NEED it.

Sigh. Sorry for the rambling

not rambling, velcro .

i dont have time to dig up decent research for you right now (uni assignment due tomorrow - HALP!!!!), but i did find one person's summary of research on the impact frequent relocations can have on childhood and adult development. http://www.amid.dk/pub/papers/AMID_5...e_Kelleris.pdf

it's probably more readable than anything you would find in a journal anyway .

i hope it's useful. i think if you type in something like "frequent relocation" and "children" into google scholar, you'll find a whole heap of abstracts you can read, but this paper seems to give an ok summary of a lot of them.

just a excerpt from the above:

quote=deliquesce >>> the impact frequent relocations can have on childhood and adult development
• Heightened stress due to starting “afresh” (school, work, community, activities)
• Insecurities regarding: employment and job security as well as onset of old age
• Feeling vulnerable, esp. due to lack of network, but also being outside formal support systems.
• Feelings of being tired, stressed, lost, concerned, being on the periphery, “looking in”, but unable to join in.
• Attachment issues, blaming and sense of helplessness
• Lack of emotional and practical commitment. “What difference does it make”?

Deli, I can so relate to that first paragraph! I went through what I now realize was a severe depression when I was 12, including having sui thoughts, but I felt that I didn't have any big trauma that would cause it, so I needed to just suck it up, be grateful for what I had, and get on with life.

Also, I wanted to chime in, along with velcro - my T has never pushed for me have memories come back, it's all my frustration. I do agree with you, Deli, that being induced/encouraged to remember is not helpful!

old-T didnt believe me when i did remember and disclose some stuff - his first response was "i have never suggested that and i have many clients who went through the same thing and say it didnt affect them" - so i'm sorry if i've swung back the other way too hard and inadvertently criticised other ppl's Ts.

i just felt so stupid for a) letting that stuff affect me and b) having my T cover his own stupid arse and not believe something i genuinely believe to be true. i have other memories which are more "recovered" style, which i doubt myself, but the ones i disclosed were more like... yknow when you just havent remembered something, and someone says "remember when..." and then you remember it all in perfect detail (e.g. your 6th birthday)? it was just one of those memories. something i'd never "forgotten", just something i'd never bothered to recall.

im sorry again if i've offended anyone . old-T left me with a legacy of being suspicious of everyone - even pdoc when he believes me. i dont like it, because how come pdoc is prepared to believe me when old-T said i was making it up? maybe pdoc thinks it's convenient for me to have this past history and is encouraging it?

i dont know. ugh. am sorry.

Wow deli
That information certainly explains some of my apprehension about change and connection.

As a child we moved almost every single year of my life until I was 12 years of age. I can only recall living in one house for two years, other than that I can remember lots of houses that I lived in.

It's interesting that I can remember the houses we lived from 4 years up (and there were lots of them), yet don't remember hardley a thing that happened within the houses.

And shame on your T for not believing you. This is the very reason why I don't agree that there should need to be corroberation for memories to be legit, even if it is helpful and more concrete.

deli

You certainly didn't offend me, I just wanted to make clear where I was coming from.

I'm very sorry that your old-T didn't believe you!

One problem I have with my memory is that some events that I remember I immediately minimize. For example I remember being groped by two boys in swimming class. I reacted very aggressively to their insult and actually almost drowned on of them. Now when I think of that incident I consider my response an over-reaction. The feelings associated with this event were that I was in serious danger and needed to defend myself. But in reality, there was a teacher in the area (she actually had to jump in and save the one boy) and I likely could have just gotten away from him and reported his behavior.

The hardest thing for me is when DO remember a specific even, to also remember the context in which the event occurred. In other words, remember what the world was like at 9-12 yr old. I think REMEMBERING is problematic in itself because you can't do it without adding to what NOW know. Sorry, that probably doesn't make sense.

Thanks for sharing that link, Deli....we moved 8 times before I was 13, and I do think it probably had a big effect on me. Things were so crazy at home, and there was no stability outside of the house either. I never lived anywhere long enough to feel safe enough to ask anyone for help.

The only good thing about moving was that one of the moves moved us away from the person who was se*ually abusing me.

I'm going to read the article later - I appreciate you posting it.