[MissCharlotte]

I had a T-riffic session today.

Yesterday morning I cried so deep and so hard & loud that I was afraid one of my kids would hear me. I was alone in my room, and had just listened to a guided meditation.I had to muffle my sobs. I was trying to understand the connection between T on Monday and this experience. I think it was triggered by my feeling of abandonment the other day. I said to T that maybe the tears just had to come out. I had a very deep longing for my mother.

We discussed the rupture/repair cycle and T said it was the cornerstone of relationships. We talked about hope, and knowing that the relationship is secure because of how we have been able to repair the ruptures every time. Oh, it was a most amazing session. I told him he gave me two gifts this week--one when he called back the other night and the other today when he helped me to understand how secure our relationship is. So, I KNOW that T won't abandon me even if he's crabby in session. I told him that when I freak out it's all in the feeling state and I lose my cognitive abillity and my adult self. He said it's because of the repeated trauma/the long cycle of trauma I experienced as a child.
l
But knowing I am now secure in this relationship gives me hope for the future. I told T that on some level I worry that when we have a rupture, he wlll fire me as a patient. He goes, "I hate it when they do that." LOL

[chaotic13]

Miss C you always seem to have great rupture--repair. It must feel nice to know that your T is not going anywhere.

[ECHOES]

He goes, "I hate it when they do that." LOL

Too funny!

I am so happy to hear you describe your relationship with T as secure and trustworthy.

As much as ruptures hurt while they're happening, I do think that they can bring us so much closer to our Ts. It's like when we break a bone...the new bone that grows is actually stronger than the bone before it broke.

And it feels so good to know that whatever happens with someone, we can work it out. "Good" isn't even the right word for it...it feels so much bigger than that. Just so safe and secure and solid.

I'm glad you had such an amazing session, Miss C

[SpottedOwl]

(((MissC)))

:-D

What a wonderful session! From the outside looking in, you have come such a long way. I remember reading your posts about T's vacation when I first joined PC, and how difficult it was for you. (I've also thought that your T takes a lot of vacations )

Such great work. It is so beautiful to watch the healing happen, if only from a distance. And let those tears out...it means you are now healthy enough to mourn.

Many, huge congratulatory hugs!

[BlueMoon6]

So, I KNOW that T won't abandon me even if he's crabby in session. I told him that when I freak out it's all in the feeling state and I lose my cognitive abillity and my adult self. He said it's because of the repeated trauma/the long cycle of trauma I experienced as a child.
But knowing I am now secure in this relationship gives me hope for the future. I told T that on some level I worry that when we have a rupture, he wlll fire me as a patient.

This is such an insightful statement. That the repeated trauma experienced as a child holds us in that child feeling state where our more developed, older (adult) state is unable to function. We become real young. But that your safety and security with t may someday be the key to you staying in your adult without having to go into the sad, hurting child state.

I believe those tears, that very deep longing for your mother, are healing tears that need to come out. Coming to a place where you can feel it and know what it is you long for is a peaceful, whole place to be. You are doing amazing work, Miss C.

About losing your adult self- I can so relate to this. I can get so young, so fast. The connect/disconnect cycles you talk about are very painful for me to even read about. It could even be that this whole thing about me leaving my t is about her 1 week vacation and my feeling so abandoned I cant bear to stay. I cannot re-connect. Of course, there are a million legit reasons to leave, but the connect/disconnect cycle is a very painful thing for me. Especially since she would NOT discuss it at all. No conversation about her vacation before she left or when she came back. And it wasnt for my lack of trying.

As you pointed out, the feelings are so young and so powerful that our adult, cognitive self disappears. Like you, I so want to soothe that small child and allow my adult self to be present and understand that I am not really being abandoned.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

the connect/disconnect cycle is a very painful thing for me. Especially since she would NOT discuss it at all. No conversation about her vacation before she left or when she came back. And it wasnt for my lack of trying.

Urk! If you cannot discuss it, how can you get better? Discuss everything is what everyone here says. That is good medicine.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Urk! If you cannot discuss it, how can you get better? Discuss everything is what everyone here says. That is good medicine.

Pachy- at the time she went on vacation everyone here was having conversations with their vacationing ts about it. And her attitude toward this subject really surprised me. It was one of the things that made me want to start looking harder for another t. She wouldnt talk about an obvious issue. Like the elephant in the living room.

[Kiya]

Miss- no words, but lots of comfort taken and noticed from your experiences.
=) hugs!

[billieJ]

Dear MissCharlotte,It must be wonderful to have such a supportive and helpful relationship with your T. I am happy for you. Tears are good! billieJ

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

I had a T-riffic session today.

Yesterday morning I cried so deep and so hard & loud that I was afraid one of my kids would hear me. I was alone in my room, and had just listened to a guided meditation.I had to muffle my sobs. I was trying to understand the connection between T on Monday and this experience. I think it was triggered by my feeling of abandonment the other day. I said to T that maybe the tears just had to come out. I had a very deep longing for my mother.

We discussed the rupture/repair cycle and T said it was the cornerstone of relationships. We talked about hope, and knowing that the relationship is secure because of how we have been able to repair the ruptures every time. Oh, it was a most amazing session. I told him he gave me two gifts this week--one when he called back the other night and the other today when he helped me to understand how secure our relationship is. So, I KNOW that T won't abandon me even if he's crabby in session. I told him that when I freak out it's all in the feeling state and I lose my cognitive abillity and my adult self. He said it's because of the repeated trauma/the long cycle of trauma I experienced as a child.
l
But knowing I am now secure in this relationship gives me hope for the future. I told T that on some level I worry that when we have a rupture, he wlll fire me as a patient. He goes, "I hate it when they do that." LOL