I have T today at 2 - a 90 minutes appointment

I have enough experience with 90 minute appointments now to know how they go (for me)...there is a lot of time to go deep, and that's what happens. It would honestly feel like a waste to not use the appointment for that, because it's not that often that we have that kind of time together (we used to have weekly 90 min appointments, but not anymore)

I kept myself distracted this weekend, and really didn't worry about the appointment at all. I am not thinking about the appointment this morning - at least, I haven't consciously been thinking of it - I have been homeschooling my boys and keeping really busy - but my heart is RACING and my hands are shaking and I'm super dizzy - every time I stand up I almost fall over. I know I am on the verge of a giant panic attack

I don't know whether to take a break from being busy and just let myself sit with the fear to see if it dissipates (I'm afraid it will get bigger) or if I should just keep being busy.

I really don't like this feeling of anxiety before an appointment. I used to have it ALL the time before a session, and now I don't. But I do when I'm afraid of what might come up.

Part of me wants to deal with this "October" stuff and try to move through it and get to the other side. Obviously, part of me doesn't. I think that tension is usually a recipe for a full-blown anxiety attack.

Ugh, I hate this feeling! My hands are shaking SO much it's hard to type! Blah!

I called T and left a message, wondering if he thinks I should take klonopin. I know it will calm the anxiety, but I also don't want to "numb out" before my appointment, because if I'm going to go and do this, I want it to "count". Ugh, I hope he calls back soon. Feels iffy, I know he has sessions all morning.

[mixedup_emotions]

Oh, I SO know that feeling....

And my T would prefer that I not take meds before the appointment so that I could work through the anxiety. He also advocates "letting go" because the panic is your body's way of breaking down the defense mechanisms you have in place.

I hope your T calls you back soon. (( HUGS ))

[BlueMoon6]

((((((Tree)))) My dear Tree, I wish I could be there to give you a big hug and tell you it will be alright. I know you are scared, I know you are afraid of the pain. You are so close to t, and you know how trauma work goes for you. This October stuff is part of you and what needs to happen. In its own time. Trust t and trust your body's way of telling you what you need. If you need to work slowly on October, go slow. What would you tell me if I wrote just what you did?

Deep breath.....go slow...you have 90 minutes, you know you dont need to jump into everything. Go small bit by small bit. Pushing yourself may cause you to pull back or dissociate. Working on your October triggers may take a while, well past October, and thats OK.

I love you, dear friend. Please let me/us all know how todays session goes.

[3velniai]

(((treehouse))) i'm in the exactly sama place now... well, maybe not exact (don't consider meds yet), but close to that. I hope your T calls soon, and if he suggest not to take meds, i hope he will have some calming words for you

[sittingatwatersedge]

dear Tree,

from what you have said about this month and how hard it is for you to deal with, IMO sitting with your nerves to see if they go away is probably not what you want to do. On the other hand, calling yr T was very good thinking

I will be wiith you at 2pm today.
SAWE

Well, I made it. T thought I should take a klonopin before I came, so I did take 1/2 of one. He said if I was just over the top anxious, the session would be about surviving that, instead of talking about what I needed to talk about.

On the way there I was SO dissociated or something. I felt like I was driving on a screen

He sat on the couch and I sat in his chair. I feel really really safe and cozy in his chair. And he said he likes when I sit there because he can get all comfy on the couch I curled up with a blanket. We talked A LOT about talking about it. I told him I wished I were just done talking about it so I could feel better. I asked if he had any months that are hard, and he said that he does have one month. But it's more of a sad thing than a scary thing. He told me the things he does to mark the day that is hard. But he said it's a little different than my bad month, because his was an accident that happened, and mine was something that was done to me by someone else. Still, it made me feel...safer?...to know he could kind of understand.

Anyhow, I told him I went BACK THERE. T brought me back to now. He said that sometimes that's how scary memories work...they take us back to when it happened. It hurt

Honestly, the whole thing sucked. I asked T at the end if I would feel better. He said yes, but not right away. He said it would be easier for me if I don't think he is angry at me, I'm in trouble, he's disappointed, he likes me less (he said he likes me MORE for being so courageous), etc. And I really don't feel those things. But I think by not having THOSE things to focus on - the external things about how T is feeling - all I'm left with is HOW *I* FEEL. And I feel like I'm stupid, ugly, dirty, untouchable, damaged, unforgivable, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. Somehow it's easier to thing T thinks those things about me. I'm just alone with myself in this horrible loop of self-hatred. No one else to blame but ME.

I hope I am doing the right thing by talking. It doesn't feel very good.

[mixedup_emotions]

WOW.....You WENT THERE!

It is soooo hard. I think it's great that you were able to do it, although I feel awful that you are enduring such hard feelings about it. Please be gentle to yourself. It hurts. It really, REALLY does.

[Indie'sOK]

((((((((( Tree ))))))))) You did great today tree, we're all proud of you You are in no way whatsoever stupid, or any of those other things. You are a smart, loving, brave, beautiful person. We're all here for you

Awwww, Tree! You are so brave! Incredible, really incredible. I hope this yucky feeling passes for you, because you deserve to feel good - you did some really hard work today! Good for you, Tree - it will pay off, even though you may not be feeling it now.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Well, I made it.

Yes, you did!! ((((((((((treehouse))))))))))

[Kiya]

And I know you to be inteligent, beautiful, perfect, good, whole, lovable, smart, smart, smart, smart, smart!!!!

And BRAVE!!!! you did it. you are courageous and very brave!!!!
((((((((((((((((Tree!!!))))))))))))))))))

[velcro003]

Yay, Tree. I am so proud of you. YOu are so brave. So, so, so brave.

[BlueMoon6]

(((((Tree)))) You are so very, very brave. Even though it doesnt feel very good, you are doing such difficult and brave work. How much easier it is for us to live with dissociating and feeling depressed. You are smart, brave, lovable, beautiful and perfect. You going where only the most courageous can go. And doing it with so much insight and awareness of every moment. I am SO incredibly proud of you

You are so not alone with your pain....look at all of your responses and the people who love you. Here and in RL. Including t who would never be disappointed in you or think less of you for working as hard as you do

Have a safe and peaceful evening dear Tree

thank you...you are all way way way way too nice to me.

t left a message and said we will work through whatever feelings this brings up. he said that if it's easier for me to focus on him and what he thinks of me, then i can do that for now, and we just need to find ways for me to tolerate the things i'm feeling so i can focus on me and heal. he said that he knows i'm not any of the bad words i said and that we will make sure i know i am not those thing either

i am sad

[Miracle1986]

((((tree))))

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((( tree house ))))))))))))

[quote=treehouse;1158026] T left a message and said we will work through whatever feelings this brings up. he said that if it's easier for me to focus on him and what he thinks of me, then i can do that for now, [....] he said that he knows i'm not any of the bad words i said and that we will make sure i know i am not those things either ...../quote]

dear Tree, even if you are not at the end of your road yet, you are much farther along than you were before you went in yesterday. Your T is very strong and skilled, and he cares and is there for you.

You did so well !! now you need to rest some.

[rosehip333]

hi tree , i'm new here but i just wanted to say well done , ive been in counselling now for 14 yrs and its been a life saver , so keep going , hope to hear more from you soon , rosehip333 x

[Kiya]

Why sad, hun?
Looks all good to me. Remember that all those negative words you think describe you were all lies you were told over the years. ALL LIES. all. we see right through them to the true YOU. I see you, brain twin. =) and i like what i see.
ps your T is AWESOME

Originally Posted by treehouse

t left a message and said we will work through whatever feelings this brings up. he said that if it's easier for me to focus on him and what he thinks of me, then i can do that for now, and we just need to find ways for me to tolerate the things i'm feeling so i can focus on me and heal. he said that he knows i'm not any of the bad words i said and that we will make sure i know i am not those thing either

i am sad