Letter to Desk t

It's a feeling you feel in this moment because of this moment. So I would say, yes, enjoying the feelings of pleasant conversation with your friends.

I'm not sure if it matters in a lot of situations what is from now or the past...like with your friends, you were happy and comfortable, and felt validated and heard. Those are good feelings, and it sounded like what you were feeling in that moment.

I think for me, when I feel big BAD feelings that are out of proportion to what is going on around me, those are "old" feelings. Like, if H says something to me that sounds a little impatient, if I go to a place of "H hates me, he's angry at me, he wishes I would go away", those are definitely OLD feelings. H is thinking, "wow, I am busy, I wish treehouse stop chatting at me" and I am thinking "H wishes he never met me". When I can step back and look at that (something I am getting better at after all of this therapy!), I can see that my feelings are totally out of proportion to the situation I am in. And I can either rein myself in, or I know I need to work on that issue ("people wish I had never been born") with T some more.

Does that make sense?

As for ftt - I hope you can let those worries go. A good therapist will KNOW that you are bringing things from the past into your relationship with her, and she will be able to help you work through that. I have pulled away from T SO many times, SURE that it is something he is doing...and he has been patient, and solid, and stable, and has let me take the time that I need to sort it out and let him back in. And then we do it again, and again, and again. And it's okay. And if ftt is the good T that she seems like, it will be okay with her too.

to you!

OK- that sounds right. You know what felt good? I felt very present. That present feelings is so good and I can only really get that when I feel really safe.

OMG! I so do understand. Your example is perfect b/c that is what goes on in my house/in my head. I am embarrassed to say I really dont step back and see that these are old feelings and that H may just be busy or with something else on his mind. I jst feel badly. And I go away and busy myself with something else. Or, better, I can put energy into what Im not eating. Ouch ouch ouch! I can see that I am doing this to control feelings about myself when I feel rejected. Old feelings of rejection.

sigh....breath....

It makes so much sense. And I made a connection here with what my h says, how I feel, old feelings, and my ED.

OK- I will take your word for it. I can even talk to her about it. I know how stable your relationship is with t. I want to see if ftt can be the same. I know dt has told me that she is the same to me no matter what I say or do. She understood that I expected her to be inconsistent. But I wont go off on that tangent now....
When I read this letter tomorrow I really wonder where it will take my therapy. I have a feeling this could take it into a deeper direction b/c of everything that is in there. Im s little scared...but anticipating in a positive way, too.

Ugh!!!!! You expected her to be alive and responsive!!!!!!!!

Thanks for the laugh!

She actually was inconsistant. So...she didnt disappoint me

Talk to me about Gestalt Therapy. I remember this being popular when I was a teenager. How does it relate to trauma and ED?

I guess I can see it beneficial to ED because you would work out then and there why you need to control your eating (of course not with just one try!). With the trauma it would help you to just work out what is affecting you today because you would work from the present backwards. This could help a person to not get dragged down too much by focusing too much on the past. Also, working on the present like this helps you to stay more solution focused. I just know that it is a really good way to live. I say a way to live because I learned how to be present every single moment of my life now. Also, it enabled me to be very calm because when you do this therapy you learn to attend to how you are doing at the very moment. This makes you aware of any nervousness or agitation and when you follow through, you have to deal with it and work it out so that you can let it go.

This is what codependents do (and I'm not calling you this). Codependents stay with alcoholics because if they can just make everything right with this man it will make up for what they suffered with their alcoholic parent. If I remember correctly, this is a wish of the child, to fix everything. Maybe you just wanted to fix everything with dt because then it would right everything with your mom???????

Oh boy! Thats it. I was co-dependent with dt. Sounds funny. But it fits. If I could make her softer, then I will have un-done what went on with my mother. And then, at last, my "mother"(dt) would love me. Sigh....how sad.....she never loved me (dt)...and I feel like I failed. That is the feeling I have now. Its not that it is rational, but for sure that is the feeling. I have failed and I just cant get my mothers love. Maybe if I have one last closure session she will finally show me she loved me......Im not saying that for real, its a temptation, but the more I learn, the more I realize (and ftt confirmed this) that I shouldnt go back in.

This feels really, really hard. My mother will never love me and the people I turn into my mother wont either. It hurts.

Maybe because the people that you chose to "reform" are just like your mother and these "dysfunctional" people for you will never be what you need. Now I know that there are people who would reciprocate the way you need them too but for now they are just scary! They are scary because to reciprocate it would be intimate and folks like us who have come from dysfunctional backgrounds need to work up to intimate (and it can be done!)..........

My mother will never be the mother that I want either. I have gotten past this however. I have other people in my life who are wonderful..........