this could be the end

Dear Tree, I'm with Ktgirl. You remember me, Miss Soapbox - when you are upset, do not make any change!! wait for a time when you are calm and at peace.

Even if it means going to yr next appt before that time of peace comes.

Remember what we've talked about, how trauma people keep having ruptures, and that the repair of the relationship is what heals. Your T is going to screw up sometimes, it just means that a human being is at work. He cares for you, he has shown it so many times, and has brought you so far in your journey. Where you are right now is hard, so hard!! but it is part of the whole journey, I think down under the hurt you know that.

in the meantime, many hugs for you dear Tree

I guess on some level I was expecting T to call last night or this morning on his way to work to leave me a message, LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES after a session. He didn't call.

I guess I will cancel my appointment for tomorrow. I guess that's it I can't believe it.

ETA i called and canceled. i feel sick

Cancelling your appointment is a poor idea. You need to go back and process through the last session. Without knowing what happened, it's hard to comment on or give you any advice other than that. Cancelling your appointment would be a knee-jerk reaction. You need to work through this WITH your tdoc, who from what I can gather, cares about you and would want to work this through.

I agree, you should go Tree! *hugs*

Treehouse, I'm not sure what to say. I'm so sorry this happened, but maybe you should give T a chance to handle this so the both of you can try to work things out. I hope so.

tree, you've been one of the biggest advocates for the therapeutic relationship on this site. i know you've been through multiple ruptures and made it through - why is this experience so different? what exactly happened? reschedule you're appointment. you're doing yourself a disservice by not making an effort to repair this.

((((((((((((((tree)))))))))))))))))

I sincerely hope that you and T can work it out... it would be a shame if your relationships stopped there.

(((((tree)))))

What you're doing, by cancelling, makes no sense to me at all. Can you please reschedule, or at least talk to your T? I wish you could post a little about what happened. This is NOT the end of your therapy. I believe that with all of my heart. I hope that you soon believe it too. Are you sure T KNOWS that you think he goofed up? I think you must be missing something here; a huge piece of the puzzle is missing, at least to those of us on PC who know the close relationship you and your T have.

dear tree,

i am wondering what you hope to achieve by cancelling your appt tomorrow. certainly you have shut off the possibility of T explaining (and apologising!) for his actions. is that the kind of hurt you want to carry around with you for the rest of your life? having a great relationship with someone, them making a mega big mistake (possibly because they hit their head), and you deciding that it's over? never knowing if there was a valid reason?

sounds to me like you'd be cheating yourself. the worst thing that can happen is that you go to your session tomorrow, T stands by what he said, you can confirm he didnt hit his head (and thereby have a valid excuse for his faux pas), and you can leave, and know that you are leaving for a good reason.

but by cancelling... i dont know. i dont know what you hope will come out of it.

much love from your ever-hypocritical (& adoring) friend, who hasn't seen pdoc in 3 weeks and refuses to see him next week also for something a lot more minor that what apparently transpired between you and T,
deli.

what you have done is self harm, Tree. and... it's even more than that... it's abandonment, out of revenge.

dear girl...when you are upset, MAKE NO CHANGE. You certainly don't feel better for cancelling while upset; you feel sick. Dear Tree, call back and put yourself back on tomorrow's calendar. I agree, this is NOT THE END, unless you decide it is. We love you - and T loves you too, you know that.

You have gotten your orders, tree: reconnect.

(((((Deli)))) Oh jeez! Im sure this wasnt recently. I like pdoc...he just sure did drop the ball that time!

((((((Tree))))) I SO SO wish you would go see him tomorrow. Call back and give him a chance and you a chance to work this through. I am wondering as well if he knows it is HE that screwed up. He knows you are angry, he is not being vengeful by not calling. I think he is probably giving you some space to make a decision. Its just a guess, but I think he probably doesnt think it is in your best interest to do it for you. I see the issue now is the fact that he didnt call. And your deep hurt about that. I KNOW how it feels to expect, to HOPE, that t calls and shows the caring that you are craving right at this moment. And when the call doesnt come, it feels devastating. An absolutely hopeless feeling. I have been there. And I also SO wanted to run and say THAT IS IT! I want t to PROVE to me that I was loved.

T loves you, you DO have the strongest relationship with him. It doesnt have to be a stand-off. I know you are disppointed he didnt pick up the ball and make the call to check on you to repair the relationship. Im confident he didnt call to enable you to realize that you WANT to be there. YOU want to repair this. This relationship is for YOU.

Please, please Tree dear. Call him see him tomorrow. Call crying, call screaming, but just call and leave a message that you want to come in. Im sure the thought of not going in tomorrow makes you feel sick. It makes me feel sick. I want to come over there to here, now and make the call FOR YOU! I want to hold your hand while you make the call.

(((((Tree)))) Im holding your hand, I know we ALL are holding your hand, make the call while we hold you........

(((((((((treehouse))))))))))

I'm sorry it hurts so badly. I agree, don't let the hurt of a misunderstanding lead you to self-sabotage. The only way out is through it. You can do it.

I do hear what you all are saying.

T always calls me after our appointments to leave a message. He screwed up in session yesterday. I did call and leave a message, so I know he is very clear on what happened, at least from my end. He did not call me to leave a message, like he ALWAYS DOES. I don't know if he's angry, or punishing me, or has dropped off the earth, or what. He is obviously not interested in connecting.

I don't want it to end this way. I wish I could have seen this coming, and I would have started the termination process, and everything would have ended the "right" way. I can't imagine walking in there tomorrow.

This is kind of like a big nightmare.

(((Tree)))) For what its worth, I say go in angry. Go in and say what you are feeling. Give it some thought (and I know you are) about what exactly hurt you, made you feel sad and/or angry. Write it down(?) or just wing it. You are so close to t. Just go in and see where he stands instead of wondering.
I wish I had more time here to post. As I said before....I am (as we all are) holding your hand.
Love to you

You need to reschedule your appointment. You need to sit down, face to face, and work through this. The phone really isn't the way to deal with this.

I don't think he's trying to "punish you". I don't think it is "obvious" at all that he is "not interested in connecting". That is YOU reading into things too much.

Give him a chance to work this out with you. Avoiding your appointment is NOT the right way to handle this situation.

Can you fill us in on what happened? We're kind of running blind here.

Tree, maybe he thinks that you are too angry to hear a message from him? Maybe something came up and he hasn't been able to call yet? He has shown you time and time again that he is trustworthy. For fairness sake, you should go in there and just hear his side out? And if it still awful, THEN you can decide to terminate. You guys have been through too much together. You are JUST starting to delve into csa stuff, and your emotions are raw and you are bound to take things differently if you were in a different space mentally.

..........

((tree))

This truly sucks. I would like to share something with you. The last time I had a rupture with T (only a few weeks ago) I was so worried. Granted, this particular rupture wasn't a big one -- but we have had them as well; and T has screwed up too. The next session T reminded me that we have had ruptures before and have somehow managed to find our way back to each other. And he said that it would make sense for me to expect and trust that this would happen. I think he was trying to tell me that it was okay to have a rupture but that based on our relationship I could reasonably trust that all would be okay once again. And it was. He also said that the strength of the relationship was based on the foundation of the cycle of rupture and repair.

I offer this to you because I know that you and T have repaired prior ruptures and that you have a quite solid foundation.

If there is one thing I have learned it is that T's are people too. They get crabby, grouchy, selfish, angry, grumpy, and insensitive just like us. Even when they're not supposed to.

I am sorry you are hurting so much right now. Can you call and leave the message about what you want him to say? I know you usually do that on the way home. Maybe he needed some space in order to not insert his foot in his mouth again. Tell him you exactly what you need him to say whether it's an apology, an admission of screwing up, or whatever it is that will make you begin to hope and feel a little better. Go ahead, try it.



Take care of you.

(((tree))) In my opinion, it would be best to go see him. Ending right now with all these feelings of hurt and anger, wouldn't that be a bad thing? I wish you so much support right now Tree Just remember that you can get through this

I agree with MIss C. Tell him what you need to hear. In a message today...or in session tomorrow. I think that would be a really good place to start.

(((((treehouse)))))

That sounds like the hardest session ever! I don't think i could cope if i felt my t did something so badly wrong, it actually scares me to think about it. You are very brave to leave a message to try and explain how you felt and also to have left the session when you needed to. I've no doubt it was warrented. It must be horrific feeling as though all trust has been obliterated and then on top of that feeling as though the onus is upon you to stop sessions. It doesn't seem fair really. I'm not really one for putting myself in difficult positions or giving people second chances but i do listen to reasoning from my friends, so whatever you decide i hope that you feel the support from this sub-forum and it helps to guide you through this nightmare just as you have guided so many others in the past. I have no idea what your therapist was thinking but from my limited experience having an explanation, even if it isn't what you want to hear or justifies what you already knew, can really be helpful. I've so many regrets and it is an awful feeling to have so please look after yourself and think about at least offering yourself some closure on this situation whether that be by attending another session, writing your t a letter or another solution you feel is right.
take care of yourself

(((((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))))

I have basically been driving around in my car for the past couple of hours, hauling boys all over town. That has given me a LOT of time to think. I've been thinking about all of the replies here and what each one of you said.

It will probably be the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm going to go to my session tomorrow. I know T and I have had big ruptures in the past and repaired them and maybe that is how this will turn out too. Or maybe not But I may as well go and sit there and try to figure out what on earth happened. When I think about the session, it feels like it almost couldn't possibly have happened...but of course, it DID. I know it did, because I posted here, and because I told H.

My session is at 9, so at least I won't have to think about it all day. I can just get up and feed my boys and go.

ugh, it just hurts so much and it's so scary and like all of my therapy fears coming true. i cant' believe i'm going

Oh, Tree! I am so glad you are going. You have repaired bad ruptures before. I admire your ability to do what you need to do even if you dont want to. That is a big deal. You are doing what needs to be done for the circumstances, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel. That is something we ALL can learn from. You're amazing

I so hope you have a good, honest session and can reconnect.