[BlueMoon6]

My homework was to write another letter to dt. I started it and it was much more all over the place than I thought it would be. There were points I couldnt even figure out who the letter was to. I started to write to her, then I was writing as if I was in the fantasy world of a small child. I had always wanted to be some kind of magical fairy. I never really knew what that meant to me, it was just this desire for the magical, serene life of a fairy. So much came up for me that I got teary over the fairy stuff. I stilll dont understand where the feelings came from or what it is about, but I just kept writing and I will take it to ftt.

This morning, my 5 yo didnt want to go to school. She was crying and having a mini-tantrum. I lied down on her bed with her and told her to rest for a few more minutes. We looked up and around her room.

About 1 year ago I painted a beautiful mural for her and my 2 yo on their walls. There is a Cinderella castle, Cinderella and Tinkerbell. TInkerbell is flying around the room and spreading pixie dust that I painted with sparkle wall paint in a pattern around the walls. The pixie dust circles photos of her and her sister and cascades down around the beds. Anyway, my 5 yo quieted down from her tantrum and was looking around and told me she wished she could be Tinkerbell and that the pixie dust could make her fly and she wanted to be the pixie dust. While we were on the bed, we were "flying" around the room, making everything fly with pixie dust and talking about what we would do if we were fairies. I had to really stop myself from tearing up and crying. I dont understand what this particulat scene with my daughter would bring up. I felt this way as a child, wanting to be a fairy, but I dont think that was it. I dont understand. It was the room, the peaceful atmophere, and me with her. But why did it make me so sad? Maybe I was my 5 yo and I wanted my mother to share something with me? I dont know. Dt would certainly have said, if I told her this, ..."but now you can give to your daughter." Yes, I can, but there is some pain there, some reason for the tears that I am not in touch with, that I dont get. It seems important, but I dont know what about it is important.

I remember being triggered when my kids were at certain ages by the most obscure things. I decided it was not so important to know why as it was to just recognize that at their age, my life was very different. And I took comfort in knowing that I am able to provide my own kids with what I needed at the time (even if I never really figured out what that need was). And, if I am able to provide for my own children, then I can maybe mourn for what my childhood lacked, but not dwell on it. It was long ago and despite everything, I've turned out to be a pretty good person and parent. Sometimes you have to acknowledge that something certainly lacked back then, but accept that you may never reallly understand it all. That's okay. I can go on.

[Sannah]

Maybe you are tearing because you are giving your daughter what you always needed (and still need).

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Maybe you are tearing because you are giving your daughter what you always needed (and still need).

Yes- I need what I gave to her this morning. Someone to soothe me when I feel badly. She wasnt able to soothe herself at that moment. And we went to "Fairy Land" together. I wish someone could know me, know what I need and give it to me. That was what I wanted from dt. But she dismissed or minimized what I said. Like my mother did. It was painful then, and it reminds me of that pain when I give it to my daughter. There is a strong element of healing there, I know that, and I have known that for a long time, but the pain that is there for me and that I have to acknowledge is what I am just starting to see.