[crystalrose]

what would you like a therapist or friend to say to you if you were suicidal or thinking of self harming?

This isn't about me i'm not at risk at all. Its about a friend who is having these feelings, so it got me thinking.

[lily99]

Part of me wants T to tell me to stop and feel worried about me. This part of me wants to be rescued.

The more realistic part of me knows it's best that T doesn't respond that way. T doesn't encourage it, nor does she punish me or act disappointed. This way I won't feel like I'm letting her down as well if I relapse.

Interesting question...I guess I don't really know what I want from her. Other than for her to be there

[sittingatwatersedge]

very important question, thank you C Rose.

If I trusted anyone enough to share those thoughts, which for me would be huge, I would want them to help me understand that they really care about me, about what happens to me.

There is strength in that, in not being alone to face things. To me it would be a lot more than helpful suggestions of any kind.

One thing I will share from experience is how NOT to respond. Someone I once knew told me that she was thinking of this and unthinkingly I began, "Oh, you mustn't talk like that!"
And she said, "OK. Then I won't tell you."

[Dinah]

I don't know what I'd want a friend to say. I'd want my therapist to say that it mattered to him, that it would hurt him if I hurt me. Then I suppose I'd want him to express some understanding of why I feel that way, and an invitation for me to say more about it in words.

But that's me. I'd imagine reasons and best responses vary widely. Even with me, what I want would depend a lot on why I felt that way. If I was hopeless and panicky about something in my life, I suppose I'd appreciate most his pointing out possibilities I hadn't yet seen.

The most helpful thing I read when feeling like that, is that sui feelings happen when our feelings get bigger than our coping mechanisms. So we either need to find a way to make our feelings less strong, or to increase our coping skills. I don't know why that helped me so much...I guess it put it in terms I understood, and made me feel like it wasn't totally hopeless...like it was understandable that I was feeling that way, and that there was a way out.

When I have talked to T about feeling like that, the most helpful thing he did was not overreact. He says "it feels that bad, huh?" and kind of opens up space for me to talk about how bad I feel. He asks me for reasons NOT to do it. He has told me that he would be SO mad and hurt if I ever did it. So, I guess he gives me room to talk about my feelings, he helps me remind myself of reasons I have to stay here, and he tells me honestly about his own feelings. He NEVER gets angry at me, or shames me, or tells me not to talk about it. I am allowed to feel however I feel, and I am allowed to talk about those feelings. That helps a lot.

I've been in this situation with my therapist on several occasions. We talk about it. He lets me know if he's really concerned that I'm in danger. Sometimes I am; sometimes I'm not. He insists I call my pdoc. He generally insists that I come in more frequently that week to see me through the crisis. That's about it.

I guess my T would let me know that it was okay to feel this if this is what I felt. But somehow she would get me to know that she and others care about me and how doing something to hurt me would not be what I really wanted, I just want someone to care, to reach out and help me, to listen. If I was seriously suicidal, than I am sure she would encourage the hospital. I am not sure how friends would respond. I guess I would want the same from a friend, to listen , not judge the feelings, and show that they cared. Kinda like what Tree said her T would do, show empathy and allow the person to talk about what they felt.
Feelings do get this bad, and if someone is reaching out to you, than that is a HUGE step forward in wanting help.

[quote=crystalrose;1192045]what would you like a therapist or friend to say to you if you were suicidal or thinking of self harming?quote]

Telling me how hurt others would be is not helpful at all; I would resent the guilt trip.

The ideal response would be, "Tell me all about it."

Mike

[theave]

[quote=cypher;1192169]

Originally Posted by crystalrose

what would you like a therapist or friend to say to you if you were suicidal or thinking of self harming?quote]

Telling me how hurt others would be is not helpful at all; I would resent the guilt trip.

The ideal response would be, "Tell me all about it."

Mike

That's so true, Mike - it can leave me feeling completely trapped because I know it's the worst thing I could do to my family - but carrying on can seem so difficult too.
Theave

[sunrise]

I think for me, I would want my therapist to say how sad he would be if I killed myself, and that he would miss me. We have a great deal of empathy between us, so I think if he said those things, I would feel them too, toward myself, and that might lead to a changed direction. I think he would also want me to just talk about my feelings about that and why, and that would be helpful too.

I agree the worst thing would be for someone to say, "I don't want to hear about that," or "don't say that." I would just do as they asked, and not talk about it, and feel worse probably because it would seem like this person must not care.

[BlueMoon6]

I agree with Mike. I think the less said, the better, simply, "Tell me about it." Or "whats going on?" I think it is the feelings behind the suicidal thoughts or SI thoughts. And for someone to let me know in some way/tell me that no matter what I say, they want to hear about it.

[crystalrose]

thanks all for your replies. What i said to my friend was i really understand how she could feel that badly and I would understand if she did do it. I also told her that i would be really sad about it.

When i want to self harm i want my T to tell me that she can handle my strong feelings and that its ok to talk about it.

When i was suicidal T told me that she did care a lot about me. She also said that it was ok to talk about the strong feelings. She asked what the emotions were like that felt so hard and if i knew the reason why i was feeling so bad.

She helped a lot. Other things that could have been helpful also is telling me i was a good person, telling me her feelings about our relationship, giving me a hug, trying to help me name the big feelings or drawing pictures of the emotions then ripping it up.

[deliquesce]

with your friend - could you suggest her giving a call to lifeline?? they will be able to assess her immediate risk, and also refer her on to services (if she wants them) that might be useful for her. the number is 13 11 14 (20c local call).

your question is an important one, but if it's been raised because your friend has recently spoken to you about it, then my first concern is that she get appropriate support to help her with these thoughts .

[jexa]

I'm with Mike and Blue. If I was suicidal, I would just want someone to listen.

[crystalrose]

yeah thanks Deliquesce. I already gave her the number for lifeline and the emergency mental health service. She said she didn't have any intent to do it just the thoughts. I would always want a friend to tell me to call a crisis line , as well as that they cared.

Originally Posted by exoticflower

Feelings do get this bad, and if someone is reaching out to you, than that is a HUGE step forward in wanting help.

Agreed. And I'd probably go a bit further and say HUGE! The worse I become, the more secretive and sneaky I get. And less and less willing to talk. That's not a good response (to put it mildly), but I have found it to be true. So this is a very good and important question, crystalrose.

[quote=cypher;1192169]Telling me how hurt others would be is not helpful at all; I would resent the guilt trip.[quote=cypher;1192169]

Originally Posted by theave

That's so true, Mike - it can leave me feeling completely trapped because I know it's the worst thing I could do to my family - but carrying on can seem so difficult too. Theave

Have to agree here too. Feeling trapped and guilty is already a big component. I wouldn't want that increased. (Though I can see how some others might find it helpful to be reminded of that. It's a hard call. I think, and the posts here seem to also suggest that it may be a factor, is how supportive their people actually are. If the relationship is close and truly caring, it might be better received. But personally speaking, no.)

Agreed that the worst thing to do would be shutting them down, by telling them not to talk, or talk like that, or the one I really really hate: being told I don't really feel the way I do(!)

[crystalrose]

good points are being made in this thread. Its good to talk about this in a non triggering way.

[theave]

Originally Posted by crystalrose

good points are being made in this thread. Its good to talk about this in a non triggering way.

It really is - thanks for starting the thread