I've been wanting to try it for awhile, and I finally got up the nerve tonight - I told T that I wanted to try lying on the couch! So T automatically turned her chair sideways - I looked at her in confusion. T thought I meant that I wanted to try the traditional psychoanalysis way, but I said oh no - I just want to curl up on my side and still look at T! So I did that, lasted that way for about half the session - I felt more vulnerable in that position, and I noticed that it was easier for me to not keep eye contact with T. It was different, but I'm glad I tried it! T encouraged me to move around the room however I want.

We talked about a lot, most of it follow-up to Monday's session. We went back to me feeling guilty for taking and not giving anything - T said I'm the patient, my role is to be taken care of, but we discussed how that's hard for me because as a child, I wasn't freely taken care of by my mother like a child should be by her mother. I told T that I always keep my phone near me on session days because I'm afraid she's going to call and cancel, even though she's never done that, she's only changed our session times twice. T wondered if I'm feeling like I want to see her more than she wants to see me. We talked through why I might feel that way, I keep feeling like I'm taking too much from T. I finally got up the courage to press T and asked her if she benefits from our relationship. T said that even though our relationship is new, that I am very open with her, and that means a lot. And T also said again how the letters from my child self were beautiful and very touching - T said that for me to open up this different part of myself to her like that means a lot to her.

I have to say, when T said that our relationship is still new, I remembered how she said the same thing back in August, and I was so upset by it, thinking it meant that she didn't know me and that I wasn't working hard enough. This time when she said it, I actually agreed with her, and I was happy to hear it - go figure! I feel like we still are getting to know each other, even after 7 months, and that she's still winning my trust, even though I'm very open with her. And it means that there's a lot of good stuff yet to come!

So I feel better, because I was feeling very sad and confused after last session. And even better, I see T twice next week because I had to cancel my session the Wednesday before Thanksgiving - yay!

ETA: I even told T that I was worried that I'd annoy her if I keep asking for hugs - she assured me that I won't. So I asked for a hug at the end, rather bashfully - it was a good one, T even rubbed my back a bit. T said she has no problem with hugs - lucky me!

[zooropa]

that is so great, it's really clear that you had a wonderful session, I'm so happy for you. It's awesome that you're so comfortable w/T and in session, to be able to lie on the couch & just make yourself comfy. Good for you!!

[BlueMoon6]

This sounds like two people very open and comfortable with each other. Id imagine that there is a lot of good stuff yet to come, too. And a lot of healing. I love the way you are talking about your feelings toward her- it is as if you are making her and the time with her as safe as it possibly can be. Maybe for the deeper work ahead. Wow!

[Kiya]

"I told T that I wanted to try lying on the couch! So T automatically turned her chair sideways - I looked at her in confusion. T thought I meant that I wanted to try the traditional psychoanalysis way, but I said oh no "

hehehe - that's what I thought too =) i've never tried the psychoanalysis way, but i have curled up on the couch =)

[mightaswelllive]

I curling up on the couch! It's feels so safe and I am so much more open. I'm not a client to sit upright and rigid. One time oldT called me floppy- ha.

It says something about your relationship that you're feeling safe enough to let yourself be vulnerable.

[darkrunner]

That was very brave of you to ask. I don't think I could do that!
Your T sounds SO nice!
I like that she reassured you about hugs.

[crystalrose]

i hav done that before. Its nice. It sounds like you have a great T and she is very supportive of you.

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

This sounds like two people very open and comfortable with each other. Id imagine that there is a lot of good stuff yet to come, too. And a lot of healing. I love the way you are talking about your feelings toward her- it is as if you are making her and the time with her as safe as it possibly can be. Maybe for the deeper work ahead. Wow!

Yes, it turns out T was right. She tried early on to explain to me that she likes to really concentrate on building the relationship between us before getting into deep work. Somewhere along the line, I did become more comfortable with T. I even told her last night, I trust her enough to tell her a lot, but I don't yet trust that she won't leave me, abandon me, even though she's given me no indication that she would ever do that. It's definitely helpful for me to talk all this through with her.

T asked me last night what she gives me. It was a fair question, since I kept asking her what she gets out of this relationship. I told her that she gives me attention, she listens, she sometimes does things that seem very caring, and that she makes me feel safe - I told her that's a biggie. So you're right, Blue - I don't know if I realized it, but I think I am still testing T, making sure that I am very safe with her, before we go back into the deeper work. Because that deeper work still scares me!

Originally Posted by mightaswelllive

I curling up on the couch! It's feels so safe and I am so much more open. I'm not a client to sit upright and rigid. One time oldT called me floppy- ha.

It says something about your relationship that you're feeling safe enough to let yourself be vulnerable.

Floppy - aww!

It was definitely a different feeling - cozy yet vulnerable! It did feel safe, though. I did open up more on some things, T could tell I'd stop myself, and she'd encourage me to tell her what I was thinking - that definitely helped. I also felt cozy, though, at the end of the session - we went back to our usual positions, me sitting on the couch with my legs stretched out in front of me on the ottoman, and T sitting opposite with her legs also stretched out on the same ottoman! Cozy!

Maybe one day I'll try the traditional psychoanalysis type of lying down on the couch, but I think I'd miss the connection that I get from looking at T.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by dreamseeker9

Floppy - aww!

It was definitely a different feeling - cozy yet vulnerable! It did feel safe, though. I did open up more on some things, T could tell I'd stop myself, and she'd encourage me to tell her what I was thinking - that definitely helped. I also felt cozy, though, at the end of the session - we went back to our usual positions, me sitting on the couch with my legs stretched out in front of me on the ottoman, and T sitting opposite with her legs also stretched out on the same ottoman! Cozy!

Maybe one day I'll try the traditional psychoanalysis type of lying down on the couch, but I think I'd miss the connection that I get from looking at T.

I'm so happy for you that you feel so safe w/your T & in her office to be able to make yourself comfy & cozy like that. I imagine it helps a lot with being able to open up to her.

I wonder if, for me, the more traditional psychoanalysis position wouldn't be easier than face-to-face like we do now. If she wasn't looking at me I think I'd be able to open up so much more. It's just so, so hard for me to feel so exposed & closely observed.

That said, I would never be able to lay down on the couch, so there goes that idea, lol!

[complic8d]

Just 2 weeks ago I decided that I wanted to sit curled up in the couch. I thought that I would feel more comfortable, more "me". It worked! It makes the interaction seem more casual and this seems to allow me to open up a bit more. It's interesting what a little change can make. I'm glad you decided to make that change too!