I went in and asked T to help me understand more how it is that I have an inner child, or children, inside of me. I mentioned how at the end of last session, I hadn't realized until later, but it was my child self who pouted and asked T for a hug - T thought for a moment, and then said I was right, but it felt natural. I told T that I know she's said before that we should be more emotional and less intellectual, and I agree, but that I really needed to understand this. T asked me what I was worried about - I said that I'm making it all up when I write letters from these younger selves. T asked, "So you're afraid it's bull****?" I said yeah, I am! T pointed out that it comes from me, somewhere inside of me, so it's important. I told T how I feel the need to express those little ones in my body, how it's very emotional and tiring. T said that opening myself up to all that goes into trust and vulnerability, two issues that I really struggle with. T said that it's wonderful that I've found a way to access those emotions that were sealed off for so long, she encouraged me to keep writing the letters and bringing them in to read.

I asked T if everyone has such an intense therapy experience - T said each experience is different, but that many people find therapy to be very intense, it's just a matter of how each person deals with that intensity. T said that I appear to just dive in, all excited, even though I'm scared - she said I'm courageous. Wow. I told T that it's a wild ride, this journey in therapy. T said that for me, this is the first time in my entire life that I'm being my true self, no longer hiding, with someone else, and that of course it's trippy for me.

I mentioned to T that I was wondering about dissociation - I told her again how sometimes after a session, I feel like I'm moving in slow motion for awhile. And I told T that sometimes after a session, when I go back and picture the session in my mind, we're sitting in different places. T said it does sound like a part of me may split off occasionally, and she reassured me that everyone dissociates at some point. I told T that when I cry in therapy, I often notice later as I journal that I could hear her voice as I cried and that it was soothing, but I don't recall at all what she was saying. T said that's probably because it didn't really matter what she was saying, all that mattered was that I heard her voice and connected with her in that way. T wondered why crying is so exhausting but said it's good because it cleanses us.

So then I read T the 3 letters from Little Dreamers age 3, 6 and 9 - after some more talking and crying, it was time to go. As I stood up, I hesitated and looked at T - she just smiled and opened her arms wide, and I dove in for the hug. My inner children and I then left T, feeling very happy.

[moonrise]

I absolutely love your descriptions of your T. She sounds wonderful. You sound like you have an amazing journey ahead of you.

[zooropa]

this is wonderful, I'm so happy for you that you have such a close bond with your T, it's going to make this whole therapy experience so much more meaningful and productive and SAFE for you! Reading about your sessions really makes me smile.

Also, I have the same experience of thinking back over some parts of certain sessions I've had & it seems like T & are sitting in different spots or are very, very far apart physically even though I know that we never moved during the session. I guess that's when I dissociated during those moments?

so awesome dream! I am so happy for you, I really am. I really like to read what you post. It really helps when I am feeling really low, to have hope. You are courageous!

Originally Posted by moonrise

I absolutely love your descriptions of your T. She sounds wonderful. You sound like you have an amazing journey ahead of you.

Thanks, moonrise - I do think she's pretty wonderful! So far, we've worked through our misunderstandings. I told T that I thank God for her, and I do!

Originally Posted by zooropa

this is wonderful, I'm so happy for you that you have such a close bond with your T, it's going to make this whole therapy experience so much more meaningful and productive and SAFE for you! Reading about your sessions really makes me smile.

Also, I have the same experience of thinking back over some parts of certain sessions I've had & it seems like T & are sitting in different spots or are very, very far apart physically even though I know that we never moved during the session. I guess that's when I dissociated during those moments?

Zooropa, you nailed it - feeling safe is so important to me - I never realized how important it was until just last week. T has given me a gift, the gift of feeling safe, and it's a wonderful feeling.

I would say that, yes, it is in those moments that you did dissociate, when you're sitting further from T. I have had those moments as well, but I didn't realize it when it was happening. So strange!

Originally Posted by exoticflower

so awesome dream! I am so happy for you, I really am. I really like to read what you post. It really helps when I am feeling really low, to have hope. You are courageous!

Wow - thank you, exotic! That means a great deal.